Christians Release “Wholesome” 50 Shades Ripoff

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The highly-publicized film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, the most romantic/vomit-inducing story of the modern age (depending on who you’re asking), was released to theaters earlier this week, fittingly on the most romantic/vomit-inducing day of the year (depending on who you’re asking), Valentine’s Day.

 

Now, if you have been on the Internet in the past few years or so, we’ll assume you’ve heard some of the problems people have with Fifty Shades of Grey. In case you haven’t, though, we’ll CliffNotes it for you: Fifty Shades of Grey takes an abusive, controlling relationship and presents it as something normal and desirable. The author regularly denies any similarities between her book’s romance and real-life abuse, and uses fake concerns over BDSM awareness and female empowerment to silence actual victims of said abuse.

 

In case it wasn’t clear, readme doesn’t like this book much. It is of course, okay if you do–nothing wrong with a little bit of fantasy–but it is important that we do our best to recognize that in real life Christian Grey would be such a rapist.

 

So thank god we have Christian filmmakers to provide us with wholesome alternatives! From the same sort of people that gave us Persecuted, the action thriller that explained how American Christians were the most persecuted group of the modern day, we have Old-Fashioned, the romantic drama about two Christians trying to do the impossible: have a heterosexual, religiously-validated relationship in today’s America.

 

Old-Fashioned is, of course, completely different from Fifty Shades of Grey, which we know because the trailers spend so much time telling us so. Unlike Fifty Shades, which was about a woman whose male love interest introduces her to a model of romance she is not comfortable with but eventually acquiesces to, Old-Fashioned is about a woman whose male love interest introduces her to a model of romance she is not comfortable with but eventually acquiesces to. Totally different, and way more respectful to women.

 

The film stars Clay Walsh (sort of the Christian ‘Christian Grey’), a reformed frat boy who gave up his life of “reckless carousing” for a more old-fashioned lifestyle. Like all relatable leads, he has a dynamic and exciting job working at an antique store and building rocking chairs. Then he meets Amber Hewson, a not-at-all stereotypical free-spirited dream girl, who falls for his traditional romantic views and Christian charm.

 

And, seriously, you guys, Walsh is, like, so Christian. That’s his thing. That and rocking horses. And being sensitive. He’s so sensitive and demure that he makes Hewson leave her apartment when she asks him in to fix something, on the grounds that he is saving himself for marriage. Because there’s nothing women find more respectful than a man kicking them out of their own goddamn house because he knows that if he’s ever alone with them for any reason, he will have sex with them. How noble and not at all rapey.

 

So get down to theaters now, ladies! If you want a movie with all the condescending misogyny of Fifty Shades without any of that yucky premarital sex, this is the movie for you! Sure, it has terrible acting and bland dialogue, but so does Fifty Shades. Either way, you’re not missing out.

 

 

Reasons Kim Jong-Un Had Been Missing

…also what we wish had been in theaters this weekend.

  • The robot leader created to replace Kim Jong-Ill (AKA Kim Jong-Un) has been acting strangely, perhaps learning how to love. Experts have taken it in for repairs.
  • Jong-Un is currently upping the dystopian level of North Korean by running his own competition where children battle mercilessly for survival.
  • What began as a pleasant hike in the wilderness has ended with the Dear Leader trapped under a boulder.
  • A high-level official has begun machinations to oust Kim Jong-Un, after a broken promise.
  • After a terrible storm on a cold February night, Kim Jong-Un woke up in a Pittsburgh hotel, only to find himself living the same Groundhog Day over and over again, never able to return to North Korea.
  • Kim Jong-Un realized that the very ideal that his country is based on is dehumanizing and oppressive. With his special power of being the Giver, he ran away from his home to the edge of his fictional society.
  • Kim Jong-Un is currently shooting an upcoming blockbuster with the Dennis Rodman titled “Bruh”.
  • Kim Jong-Un can’t seem to keep himself from an affair with a former campaign member, now private crisis manager working for her own law firm. And it’s not hard to guess why we haven’t seen Kim Jong-Un lately. (gasp) Scandal!

‘Gravity’ Sequel to be Real-er, Cheaper, Spacier

Gravity-2!

When the thriller “‘Gravity” was released in theaters last year, people were awestruck by Sandra Bullock’s adventures in space. The sequel to this blockbuster is set to come out next year, and readme has gotten its hands on some juicy inside information.

First of all, the movie will take place in orbit around Mars, not Earth. According to studios, the red background will make the movie appear ‘edgier’ to attract the youth audience. More big news is that the sequel will be filmed on location. An Indian company known by its acronym ISRO will be contracted to provide transportation to and from site. readme can only speculate what ISRO stands for; best it can get is

One might think that filming on location in Mars’ orbit would be expensive. However, our source has reported that it will actually be done under the original Gravity’s budget of $100 million dollars. The original film relied heavily on special effects, all but 17 shots requiring post-production magic. The new film will not only be more realistic, but also only cost three-quarters of the price. The rumor is that NASA is insanely jealous, as they can hardly afford to hire the Russians for their spaceship needs.

After the original film’s production period of more than four years, one might be surprised to see a sequel coming out just two years later. The new technology used to achieve the super-realistic effects (i.e. a mission to Mars) is not only cheaper, but also faster to produce than the traditional method, which involved robots and 1.8 million individually maneuverable LED lights. India is quick to point out that while everyone has done robots, only a few nations have made it to Mars. “Suck it, China!” was the actual phrase used.

Another new change is the addition of frequent breakouts into song and dance, for apparently no reason. readme was worried that it might be a little awkward, as Bullock is alone for the most part, but backup singers and dancers appear specially for these scenes. Also, Bullock has a touching conversation with her Indian great-aunt, who angrily asks why she “couldn’t just marry the nice young doctor we found.” The call will include the 13 minute delay between signals sent from Earth reaching Mars.

Some have criticised the film for spending so much money on such a frivolous endeavor, when there are more serious problems in the world to contend with. However, readme knows that the free market dictates what money is spent on, and blockbuster films meant to escape reality are far more enjoyable than actually facing said reality.

Persecuted leaves audiences laughing

It should be no surprise to anyone that readme is a connoisseur of fine humor. Unfortunately, with upcoming ‘comedy’ films like Dumb and Dumber 2, it can be hard to find the funny in things. Thankfully, movies like Persecuted more than pick up the slack.

 

In the vein of such classics as Zoolander or Trading Places, Persecuted takes a ludicrous premise and rolls with it. In the world of Persecuted, American Christians are the most persecuted minority of the modern day, and only one man, the evangelical pastor John Luther, can stand against a government-wide conspiracy to quash the Christian faith. Things get wackier when the conspiracy frames Luther for murder so they can pass a bill that would—wait for it—prevent television networks from endorsing any single religion. Luther engages in a host of zany escapades as he tries to clear his name, culminating in a hilarious climax where, with a gun in one hand and a rosary in the other, Luther fights to protect all that (right-wing conservative) America holds dear.

 

The movie is a brilliant satire of extremist right-wing values. Some subtle jokes may fly over the heads of un-savvy viewers, though, and readme finds it rather remiss that the film chose not to make the gay mafia part of the film’s shadowy conspiracy. How, readme asks, can a film so thoroughly spoof the idea that all of America is firmly opposed to Christian values, and not include any hint of the right-wing Christian’s worst nightmare, the homosexual? And they didn’t even make their President a secret Muslim or anything!

 

Still, Persecuted more than makes up for these missed opportunities through its ingenious marketing strategy. Taking a page from mock-umentarians like Sacha Baron Cohen, the filmmakers concocted an elaborate masquerade in which the movie was pitched as a serious action thriller set in the present day. Fred Thompson, who plays Luther’s father in the film, revealed his dedication to the ruse in a publicity interview when he asserted that Persecuted, though a work of fiction, described a scenario that could reasonably happen in the America of today. Truly, the man is an acting genius. How he managed to hold back his laughter, readme will never know.

 

Between its premise and the dedicated meta-marketing, Persecuted generates laughs from start to finish. readme would highly recommend it to those who enjoy both wry satire and laugh-out-loud slapstick.

List: Movies That Resemble Life at CMU

Les Miserable

Frozen

Bean

The Hunger Games

Smart People

Her

Rushmore

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

The Hurt Locker

Monsters University

Triumph of the Will

A Beautiful Mind

Eraserhead

Crazy Heart

Scott Pilgrim Versus the World

Any of the Harry Potter movies

Dead Poet’s Society

Idiocracy

The Crying Game

Pacific Rim (we’re the two nerds)

Wreck-it-Ralph

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Aristocrats

Real Genius