Slice of White Bread Chosen to Fill Open Supreme Court Seat

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

In yet another in a series of political stunners, Donald Trump has chosen to fill the open seat on the Supreme Court with a literal piece of white bread.

The seat, vacated nearly a year ago by the death of Justice Antonin “Far-Right Nutjob Before It Was Cool” Scalia, was intended to be filled by the eminently qualified Obama nominee Merrick Garland, but a combination of Republican intransigence and NO WAIT THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON caused his confirmation hearing to be delayed to the point of mootness.

Naturally, Trump’s nomination of an inanimate slice of uncooked toast has made waves among politicians and ordinary citizens alike, or at least among those who consider Alex Jones’ InfoWars rants to be anything less than God’s honest truth. The nomination was duly criticized by Senate Democrats and-

*deep sigh*

Okay, look.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a political satirist these days? And don’t give me any of that “are you kidding? there’s more to satirize than ever!” crap. Coming up with stories more insane than what’s actually going on right now is a legitimate challenge. The best I can do is resort to the shallow jab that Neil Gorsuch is boring. Hell, Gorsuch doesn’t even seem like that terrible of a choice, but what else am I going to write about? Sean Spicer? Steve Bannon? Trump complaining on Twitter about the travel ban ruling? They’re pretty much all already parodies of themselves.

Man, I remember the good old days, back when the Republican primary race was completely up in the air. We still had hope then. God, the most pressing issue we were facing was that Congress was incompetent, as though that was something that hasn’t been continuously true since 1774. Remember how I wrote that article about celebrating Government Shutdown Day? Heh, that was a pretty good one.

That must’ve been back in Fall 2015. I was so young then. We all were.

Anyway, Neil Gorsuch is boring, he’s pretty conservative, at least Trump didn’t nominate [insert reality TV star here] for the bench, etc., etc.. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pour myself a drink, make myself a sandwich, lean back in my standard-issue CMU desk chair, and dull my political sorrows, if only briefly, with anime and My Brother, My Brother and Me.

At press time…man, whatever.

Trump Signs Executive Order Editing Statue of Liberty Plaque to “LOL NOPE”

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

The world was rocked this week when, in one of his first moves as President, Donald “Already At Mid-Second-Term Levels of Disapproval” Trump signed an executive order shutting down America’s refugee program and closing its borders to people from several Muslim-majority countries. Despite throngs of people across the political spectrum coming out in opposition to this piece of counterproductive political showmanship, readme can now confirm that Trump is doubling down by formally changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from Emma Lazarus’ sonnet The New Colossus to, simply, LOL NOPE.

“Reliable” sources within the Trump Administration have also indicated that the new text will not only be in 400-point font but will also be in bolded Impact, so as to “make certain the message gets across that, yeah, we super all the way don’t want you here.” According to Trump’s nascent Office of Management and Budget, the project is expected to cost $2 million, which when converted to Not Crazy Person Money translates to a cool $15 mil, minimum.

Naturally, politicians of all stripes and people across the nation have been incensed by Trump’s brazen willingness to essentially deface a national landmark with particularly unclassy xenophobia. Well, politicians of some stripes and roughly half of people across the nation, at least. The rest are A-OK with it. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, Breitbart just put out an article alleging that the immortal words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free” are fake news produced by the liberal media to defame our glorious leader. Obviously.

Among the people across this nation who actually are incensed, though, a heroic few are getting off their asses and doing something about it, for instance by writing invective thinly disguised as satire. Truly, these brave men and women are doing yeomen’s work out there in the political wilderness, taming the beasts of tyranny with elegant strokes of their blades. Well, pens. Keyboards, if we’re really being honest.

(This is me I’m talking about here, by the way. Can you tell? Anyway, yeah, it’s me. Mark Saporta. The writer of this article. I’m basically the best. You’re welcome.)

At press time, Trump had quietly issued four more far-reaching executive orders while the media desperately attempted to process the previous four. Welcome, my friends, to the Darkest Timeline.

 

readme Unearths Document Showing its Originally Planned Name Was “Funyun”

by Mark Saporta, Making Elaborate Thinkpieces Always Correspondent

In an event that will surely go down in archaeosatirical history, readme was stunned earlier this week to discover a primary-source document in perfect condition that seemed to indicate that the newspaper was originally to be called “Funyun.”

Dated May 1999, the document precedes all known issues of readme by over a year, suggesting that it was written when readme was barely even in its planning stages. Further confirmation of its vast age comes through several photographs included in the document, which, in the ancient tradition, were clearly taken by wielding a device known as a “digital camera.”

Almost immediately after uncovering the primary source, readme’s forensic team set to work decoding why the earliest members of readme may have called the publication “Funyun.” Head of forensics and current Editor-in-Chef Rin Fair*** had this to say about the matter:

“While there’s obviously still a lot of work to be done yet to try to understand the archaic, almost completely meme- and irony-free language from this new document, we believe we may understand why ‘Funyun’ would have seemed to these bygone people like a logical name for a satirical newspaper. We have evidence of two contemporaneous artifacts that are similarly named: a professional satire website named ‘The Onion,’ and a brand of fake onion-ring snacks called ‘Funyuns.’ Now, believe it or not, modern wordplay like portmanteau and puns have been around a lot longer than you might think. We think that, in a rather clever and self-deprecating manner, the founders of readme planned to call their publication ‘Funyun’ because the snack both has a name that rhymes with ‘Onion’ and is, essentially, a fake onion. Moreover, we have reason to believe that, in some way, ‘Funyun’ was an inherently funny word in their culture. They were essentially saying that the paper is a fake ‘The Onion’ in a humorous way. Either that, or it’s a sex joke. We’re not entirely sure.”

Like all of his readme co-contributors, your correspondent is delighted about the discovery of this new document, and wishes the forensic team best of luck in gleaning all the information from this important historical find as they can.

 

*** Hey Rin, look who’s over here taking the high road! Betcha feel bad about calling me Fuckboi Curtis now, huh? HUH?! HUUUH?!

(Whatever. It’s not like I really care what you think about me anyway. Why should I?

…Baka.)

Words

by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyance Correspondent

1

Has this ever happened to you? You’re a writer for a satirical newspaper who’s been called upon to write this week because like no other people have written, and your roommate, who also happens to be a writer for said satirical newspaper, is looking over your shoulder to see what you have so far? Don’t you just hate it when this very relatable situation happens?

Well, you’re in luck. We’ve come up with an effective way to deal with this event. Just write words! Language first evolved around 350,000–150,000 years ago. It is hard to pinpoint exactly when due to lack of direct evidence from this time, but somewhere around then, people started using words. They still do now! Words are used every day by people all over the world. You will find them on billboards, on pamphlets, in books, in stores and even in your own home if you know where to look. Words truly are omnipresent.

“How will words help me write an article?” you may ask. Well, our team here at readme has been sifting through articles and we have found that all good articles have one very interesting thing in common: they all make use of words. It is, therefore, our strong recommendation that you do as well.

“How do I use words?” you might be wondering. Our team has also anticipated this question. We have observed many people of all walks of life making use of words. We have separated their approaches into two categories for your convenience. The first approach is to use a thin cloth-like substance, usually white or very light of color, coupled with a writing utensil—generally a pen or mechanical pencil, but in some rare instances, we have found humans using non-mechanical pencils as well. With this writing utensil, you are then to form symbols on your cloth-like substance. Though we are not yet sure what these symbols represent, we have found that when put together, they are somehow able to make words.

We assure you that we have our best analysts working on finding the source of these mysterious symbols and will report when any new intel is gained. For now, we hope that this information will be sufficient in providing you with the tools to write good articles should you find yourself in this stressful scenario.

Florida Man Does [Outrageous Action]

Fill in the blurry object Florida man proffers!

Fill in the blurry object Florida man proffers!

Dylan Vrana, Mad Libs Correspondent

Last Wednesday in Broward County, Florida, the police were called to the trailer of local man Nathan Lee-Davis. After his neighbors complained about his [untrained exotic pet], Davis became agitated and violent, and, while wearing only [article of women’s clothing], attacked them with an [unlikely bladed weapon].

Davis drove the two back to their trailer, where they held him at bay with their pet [large, aggressive breed of dog] and a [Nazi-made pistol] from their collection long enough to call the police.

When the police arrived, Davis claimed to be the reincarnation of [ancient Egyptian god] and rushed at the cops armed only with [food item]. He was easily subdued and arrested. Drug tests reveal that he had meth, [dangerous street drug], and [prescription painkiller] in his system at the time. A search of his house revealed piles of poached [endangered animal] skins and katanas.

Davis has since claimed that the arrest infringed on his natural rights. He is suing the county for [big number] dollars.