In a Shocking Turn From the Usual, Media Chooses Sensationalism over Science!

Recently, legislation was proposed in France which would have banned agencies from allowing models with a body mass index of less than 18 to participate in Paris Fashion Week. Parliament member Oliver Veran stated that “We want to tackle the idea that agencies feel able to stop models from eating, for example, asking them to eat cotton balls to lose their appetite.” Which is pretty solid, in readme’s opinion. In fact, any bill that keeps a company from starving its employees could probably be called a positive.

Of course, newspapers and websites have done their best to accurately represent the issue, using sensible and not-at-all sensationalist headlines like “Anorexic Models: France Considers Ban of Super-Skinny Models” and “Will Banning Thin Models Help Curb Anorexia?” These news groups are, of course, referring to the belief that eating disorders are directly caused by having skinny models, and not by any other possible factors whatsoever.

Thankfully, readme’s watched a lot of made-for-TV movies about eating disorders, which pretty much makes it an expert. Did you know that all eating disorders are actually anorexia? And that all cases of anorexia are caused by girls (specifically, white teen girls) seeing skinny models and becoming insecure about their weight? And you can tell whether a person is anorexic based solely on whether they’re skinny or not? Sure, some sources like ‘everything we know about psychology’ or ‘the DSM-V’ claim otherwise, but did the DSM-V ever win a Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Television Movie? readme thought not.

See, the problem with disorders these days are that they’re too complicated. Anything from a person’s family life to their work environment to past medical history could cause them to develop an eating disorder. And that means if we want to stop people from getting eating disorders, we’d have to fight all those factors and that’s just hard. But if we just say models did it, we don’t have to worry about any of that! Then we can just ban skinny models and anorexia will be solved, and if anybody disagrees then we know they’re not watching enough Lifetime movies.

People Who Won’t be Running for President in 2016

Last week, Mitt Romney publicly declared his intention not to run for president in 2016. The media was in shock over this revelation, which leads readme to worry about the potential future health of the mainstream media.

Look, media, not to freak you out or anything, but…a lot of people won’t be running for president in 2016. We don’t want to go through this every time somebody declares their un-bid for presidency, so how’s about we save you the trouble and give you a nice list of the people who won’t be running for president in 2016.

• Bill Clinton

• Barack Obama, because he doesn’t have to

• Subra Suresh

• Andrew Carnegie

• Captain America

• Your mom! (unless you happen to be Chelsea Clinton, in which case, yeah, she’s probably running)

• Any former readme editor

• Any current readme editor

• Morgan Freeman, even though we’d totally vote for him anyways

• Stephen Colbert

• Arnold Schwarzenegger

• The Pope

• The Ex-Pope

• That guy who played the president in 24. You know, the All-State dude.

• Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. Because she doesn’t have to.

LIST: The Most Ridiculous REAL Headlines readme Has Come Across

Every week the staff of readme comes together to discuss current events on campus, in the U.S. and around the world. Then we attempt to make it funny. Sometimes we even succeed! We look at various news sources to find material. Often, we’ll find gems of headlines that we can’t even hope to make funnier. Today we’d like to share some of them with you.

 

Thin-Skinned Amateur Obama Addresses Congress, Our Parliament of Whores

Brunette Democrat Comes Out as “Pansexual”

Rick Santorum Compares Obamacare To Apartheid

Miss USA: Muslim Trailblazer? Or a Spy?

Tiger Woods Plays with Own Balls, Nike Says

Lucky Deer Rescued by Hovercraft

New Zealand’s prime minister denies being a giant space lizard

1 in 4 Americans unaware that Earth circles Sun

Lady Gaga Bitten By Rogue Slow Loris On Set Of New Video