More Accurate Names for CMU Classes

by Mark Saporta, Most Reliable Source of CMU Knowledge

Interp: High School English Redux

Intro to Philosophy: Freshman Self-Righteousness Seminar

Elementary Japanese: Weeb Trash 101

Concepts of Mathematics: Lern 2 Pruf

Calc III: Because Double Integration Wasn’t Tedious Enough

DPAPI: Literally Just AP GoPo

Reason, Passion, and Cognition: Four Months of Extremely Intuitive Psychology

Behavioral Decision Making: The Same Thing, Again

Behavioral Econ and Public Policy: America Sucks! The Class

Intermediate Microeconomics: WHOOPS ECON REQUIRES CALC

Intermediate Macroeconomics: Have Fun With 12-Variable Equations, Asshole!

Financial Crises and Risk: The 2008 Recession! The Class

Public Economics: Macro, but a Third as Difficult

Game Theory for Economists: Surprise! It’s Literally Just Math

Writing for Economists: Formatting is Ninety Percent of Your Grade

Stat 201, 202: Barely Even Worth Attending

Intro to Probability: WHOOPS STATISTICS REQUIRES CALC

Econometrics I and II: Statistics, But Presented Confusingly

15-110: CS for Future Presidents

15-112: Basically a Part-Time Job, but You’re Paying to Do It

15-251: CS Theory Hell

15-213: Systems Hell

15-410: 9th Circle of CS Hell

15-418: All 9 Circles of Systems Hell at Once

Yet More Indie Band Names

by Mark Saporta, who Liked Band Names Before They Were Cool

This list is dedicated to my good friend and co-contributor Michael Quinn, who loves band names almost as much as he loves market capitalism, people shitting on modern art, and President-elect Donald Trump.

Roger That!

Romance Language

Colors Fade to Grey

Paleoclassic

Dallas-St. Paul

The Laws of Aviation

The McCarthyists

Messiahs After Dark

Common Pepe and the Feels Bad Band

The Cognitive Dissonants

Law of Cycles*

The Liberal Friends

The American Dream Memorial Band

Laughy Taughy

The Sad Sax

The New Old News

Married With Clintons

Adam Smith and the Invisible Hands

 

*If you get this, God help you. God help all of us animes.

(Man, the ending of Rebellion was insane though, amirite? Didn’t see that one coming.)

New Tech, Old Styles

Apple released a new iPhone, the SE — size of the 5s, specs of the 6s. What other new products could use old form-factors with updated specs?

  • LCD monitors inside CRT bodies
  • Combustion engines inside fake horses that pull a buggy
  • Casing of a big old hard disk from when computers were the size of rooms, with just enough hardware interface to get to the 512 GB USB memory stick on the inside
  • iPhone 22 specs in an iPhone 6s shell, right now in 2016
  • iPhone specs in an old car phone
  • Printers that actually work in today’s printer bodies
  • A laser disk with a Blu-ray spread across it
  • Real musicians hiding inside the iPod
  • An older person’s body with a new person’s brain (basically, a 70-year-old with the mind of a 7-month year old)
  • Skeumorphic icons
  • Flesh of an apple in a banana
  • PS4 internals with PS1 shells
  • Actually, that would be a cool, classic throwback

What Should CMU Spend the Marvell Settlement Money On?

• Defending all of our other patents

• Free tuition

• Coke parties

• Moving campus somewhere warm

• Kanye’s debt

• Scott Hall 2

• Plugging all the holes in Wean

• Replace Culinart with real food

• Increase diversity scholarships (not a joke)

• Build an actual walkway to the sky

• Hire Lobster Boy full time

• No seriously, increase diversity scholarships

• Create 3 Bill Dietrich clones to raise more quarters of a billion dollars for the University

• Unearth the Cut, rebuild the bridge

• Finally clean that damn fence

• Buy Marvel Studios

• Build a statue of Captain Marvel

• Build a statue of Captain CMU

What Is Lunar Gala?

If you don’t know what it is, the name Lunar Gala could mean anything. We asked students what they thought it meant.

• A pagan ritual under the winter sky

• One of those things people in Greek life do

• A new nocturnal subspecies of apple

• Multi-billion dollar NASA initiative to throw a totally bangin’ party in the Sea of Tranquility

• Multi-billion dollar NASA initiative to throw a kind of mediocre party in the Sea of Tranquility

• It’s not real. CMU TV faked the Lunar Gala on a soundstage in Arizona

• A female-centric celebreation (it’s a “gal”-a, after all) of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter

• Alternatively, a female-centric celebration of Miles Luna from Rooster Teeth

• A normal gala, held outside, but every once in a while someone points up to the sky and shouts, “THE MOOOOON!” and everyone howls at the sky like a wolf

• A coming out cotillion ball for celestial life forms

Valentine’s Day Activities

Whether alone or with a date, there are plenty of fun things to do around February 14th.

• The Nasty

• Shame couples for having fun

• Nothing—save your money for the 15th, when chocolate’s gon be super cheap!

• Shame singles for not having fun in front of you

• Text your ex

• Find out your ex is not also single on Valentine’s Day

• Try not to cry

• Cry a lot

• Hide colored eggs around your house and have other people find them

• Netflix n chill

• Build a snowman (it doesn’t have to be a snowman)

• Watch Deadpool, the most romantic movie ever

• Celebrate VD by getting VD

• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

• Throw out that dustbin full of tissues

What Else Don’t You Want in Your Water

Flint, Michigan has had heavily contaminated water for over a year, with high levels of lead. What else don’t you want in your water supply?

• Flourine, WE HAVE TO STOP THE REDS FROM POISONING OUR CHILDREN’S MINDS

• Alligators

• Flint

• Dihydrogen monoxide

• White supremacy

• A stagnating middle class

• Bears

• Water Bears

• LSD

• LDS

• Old drugs you flushed down the toilet instead of disposing of responsibly

• Old pets you flushed down the toilet instead of disposing of responsibly

• Fish

• Phish

• H+ ions

• Memories

• Andrew Carnegie’s heart

• Semen

• Seamen

• Air

• Air Supply

• Wolverines

• Motor agate

• Brawndo

• The Spanish Inquisition

• Untreated raw sewage

• Olympic Athletes (e.g. in Rio)

• Small children

• A very effective sponge

• Cyanide

• readme

Things You Planned to Do over Break, and Things You Actually Did

• Planned: Have an alcohol blood content when the ball dropped

• Did: Had an alcohol blood content when the ball dropped

• Planned: Parenthood

• Did: Defunded

• Planned: Sleep and also be productive

• Did: Sleep

• Planned: Win the Powerball

• Did: Not win the Powerball

• Planed: Wood

• Planned: Re-unite with family, friends

• Did: Remembered why you only go back home for a few weeks at a time

• Planned: Gorge on holiday food

• Did: Gorged on holiday food

• Planned: Get a head start on job applications

• Did: Got a head start on your Netflix queue

• Planned: Watch the new Star Wars

• Did: Watched the new Star Wars, six times

• Planned: Make a New Year’s resolution and follow through

• Did: Made a New Year’s resolution, put off following through

The president shouldn’t be…

Ben Carson recently said the president shouldn’t be a Muslim, because Islam isn’t consistent with the Constitution. readme asks, what else shouldn’t the president be?

• A baby

• Aware of their surroundings

• Cruel to a heart that’s true

• A fascist, communist Kenyan who hates America

• Honest

• Someone who has ever uttered “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan”

• A dog wearing a hat

• Donald Trump

• British

• A Zoroastrian (someone needs to take them down a peg)

• Alexis Tsipras

• Three ducks in a person costume

• Three people in a duck costume

• A member of team rocket

• Someone who’s heart isn’t in the work

• A Dalek

• A Mudblood

• Afraid of the dark

• Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

• Zombie Hitler

• Self-aware

• Not a member of readme

• A vampire hunter

• Ben Carson

How to Avoid Doing Your Homework

• Take so many classes that you are constantly in class and have no time to do homework.

• Alternatively, take no classes. Drop out of school.

• Hire a dog to eat your homework.

• Cry.

• Play all the Sporcle history quizzes as review for your history test.

• Pull a Van Winkle and sleep for 30 years.

• Join readme.

• Cover your roommate’s abstract notion of self with Post-it notes.

• Discuss stress culture on Overheard.

• Alternatively, “overhear” something and count Likes.

• Do the math and find out exactly how much money you’re going into debt in order to not complete this particular assignment.

• Do your homework. Note: this only works for (reverse) psychology classes.

• Nah, I’m still sticking with Cry.

• Just one more game of League, but you can’t stop on a loss, and if you win you might be on a hot streak, sooo…

• Come up with a list of ways to avoid doing homework