Pittsburgh High Schoolers Decide to be the Worst.

On April 17, LGBTQ advocacy groups across the country participated in the annual “Day of Silence”, an event designed to call attention to the bullying and harassment faced by LBGTQ individuals with a campaign of peaceful demonstration. In response, a group of Pittsburgh high schools started their own event designed to call attention to the bullying and harassment faced by LBGTQ students, with a campaign of bullying and harassing LGBTQ students.

 

This “anti-gay day” was organized by high school students who assumedly felt that their free speech was being stifled, people weren’t being tolerant of their intolerance, yadda yadda. They ‘celebrated’ by encouraging everyone who didn’t like gay people to wear flannel to school the next day, write the words “anti-gay” on their hands, and post homophobic posters on the lockers of known queer students in the school.

 

Unfortunately for these poor maligned douchebags, it does not look like “anti-gay day” will catch on. The blame most likely falls on a lack of stylish clothing choices; homophobes have spent so long deriding the vast majority of cool outfits as ‘gay’ that now the only unambiguously heterosexual options are flannel and the color orange (and even those are suspect). Because be honest: would you rather show your support for a cause by wearing orange flannel or awesome rainbows? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Local Man Explains Mansplaining

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readme recently spoke to local man Harry O’Toole who decided it was his manifest destiny to put some things straight (or gay, as the case may be) concerned readme’s perceptions of life, the universe and everything.

O’Toole and readme were deep in a conversation about gender and sexuality (which O’Toole assured readme were actually the same thing) when O’Toole cleared things up for readme.

“You can’t be genderqueer! You have the genitalia of a newspaper, not a magazine!” he laughed, patting readme on the advertisements.

readme defended that its gender had always been not-so-much part of its identity. It even affected its textuality. readme vividly recalled to O’Toole the day when some Tartan messengers had (accidentally) placed a copy of the Tartan on top of readme in the rack. “smelling her, pressed up to her page to page” readme sighed, “was a revelation. I’m bitextual.”

“Not bitextual, just closeted.” corrected O’Toole, “Bitextuality doesn’t exist.”

“But what about that book-up with The Cut last year?” asked readme, confused.

“That was at a publishing party” O’Toole consoled, “it doesn’t count.”

readme rubbed its tagline, mentally exhausted. O’Toole continued. “Textuality is black and white. Just like your pages!”

“But I also have all this grey area! See?” said readme, pulling itself open to page two where there was a grayscale picture of a very furry bear.

“Oh God!” cried O’Toole. “I didn’t need to see that!”

readme closed its pages, ashamed. “I know my printing is low quality.” it mumbled.

“Oh, sweetie-paper, we can’t all be printed on photo paper.” O’Toole comforted, putting an arm around readme’s advertisements.

readme rolled itself into a tube. “Wait. Are you sure about all of this? I think I’ve heard of what you’re doing from Jezebel last time she game around to make fun of Lena Dunham with me. It’s called…uh…mansplaining?”

“Oh, readme, small new outlet…mansplaining has to be baseless and has to dismiss the possibility of its receiver having any intelligence or agency of its own. Plus it has to be done to a woman and, as we’ve established, you have the genetalia of a newspaper.”

Homophobic Things Happen in Country that is not Russia

In the wake of the vaguely-successful 2014 Winter Olympics, Russian policymakers have been subjected to an unusual level of global scrutiny. In particular, media outlets latched onto the stringent anti-homosexuality laws implemented by Russian premier Vladimir Putin, bringing the issue to the forefront of the public consciousness. But what about all those other countries that put so much effort into the oppression of their LGBTQ citizens? Does the fact that they didn’t host the Olympics make them any less reprehensible? Here at readme, the homophobic countries of the world are like our children; we hate them all equally. So let’s talk about a country whose homophobia has been sadly overlooked in recent times: Uganda.

A week ago, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni proposed an anti-gay bill that he later signed into law. The bill would outlaw the “promotion” of homosexuality, make having gay sex an illegal act punishable by life in prison, and requires all citizens to “report” on those they suspect to be gay. All that’s missing is the proposal for a military-grade gaydar that monitors Ugandan cities to make sure nobody exceeds the government-mandated limit of ‘fabulous’ (insert sarcastic jazz hands here).

The bill has been met with much outrage on the international level, especially from those Western powers who have donating money to support development of Ugandan infrastructure. Denmark, the Netherlands, and Norway have already cut aid plans in protest of this new bill, the World Bank has stalled a loan to the country while they ‘review’ the bill’s results, and our own President Obama even went so far as to warn Museveni that ties between the United States and Uganda “would be damaged” as a result of that bill. Well shit. That’ll learn ‘em.

Museveni held firm in his support of the bill, announcing his intention to sign the bill into law with a homophobic tweet. Because that’s the point we’ve reached as a society, where our world leaders spread hateful rhetoric condemning huge swathes of their own citizenry through tweet. “The West can keep their ‘aid’,” he said. “We shall still develop without it.” You know, it occurs to readme that when you basically have to hold your own country’s developmental success hostage in order to get foreign powers to support your legislation, you’re doing legislation wrong.

Now, in the wake of such massive displays of homophobic dickery, other countries like America might be worried their own homophobic tendencies will be overshadowed. It’s hard to compete with this level of willful bigotry, after all. But don’t worry, America. Just because your brand of homophobia is nowhere near as heinous as in these other countries doesn’t mean readme doesn’t hate you anyways.

Don’t Discriminate: Discriminate

The Kansas House recently passed a bill granting both federal and private employees the right to refuse services to same-sex couples on the grounds of religious freedom. For some reason, many saw this as an attack on LGBT individuals in the state, particularly since this means gay couples would be dependent on the discretion of individual federal employees involved to receive benefits granted automatically to any straight couple. But, as the bill’s staunchest supporter, Kansas State Representative Charles Macheers reassured the House last week, it is actually designed to prevent discrimination, by allowing people free rein to discriminate.
readme will now present the following quote without any alteration whatsoever, because holy fuck we don’t even. “Discrimination is horrible,” Macheers told his fellow representatives. “It’s hurtful…It has no place in civilized society, and that’s precisely why we’re moving this bill.” That…that is the sort of willfully blind hypocrisy that deserves the slowest of slow claps. Satire is over forever, folks. Nothing we ever say can top this.
When Macheers talks about the horrors of ‘discrimination’, he is, of course, referring to the discrimination religious people face for holding views that were “unpopular”. Okay, homophobes, it occurs to readme that you may be suffering under a few misconceptions here. You see, people’s distaste for your beliefs is not some arbitrary thing. It’s not like we all got together one day and decided we were going to gang up on religious homophobes just because they smelled kind of funny and corner them in the bathroom and call them names until they were curled up on the floor sobbing about how they will be a satire paper one day, dammit, and everybody’ll love me and think I’m funny and…uh, sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah: we don’t like homophobia because it pushes the belief that certain people are less worthy of basic human rights like love and marriage and even sometimes safety than others, and that’s fucking dangerous. It has nothing to do with whether or not it’s ‘popular’.
Ultimately, much of the controversy surrounding the bill comes from confusion about what it actually does. Ostensibly, all does is protect employees working in marriage-specific industries from having to contribute in even the slightest way to the union of two loving individuals of the same gender. However, some legal analysts worry that vague wording used in the bill could allow employees to refuse any service that violates their views on marriage. Macheers felt these fears were unfounded, saying that, “We disagree on that. That’s not what it said.” Thankfully, the way individual lawmakers and judges choose to interpret a poorly-worded bill is entirely determined by whether or not Rep. Macheers disagrees with their interpretation, or this bill would be extremely problematic.
Now, for the bill to become law, it must first be passed by the Kansas State Senate. According to Senate President Susan Wagle, it stands very little chance. “My members don’t condone discrimination,” she said, “I believe a majority of my caucus will not support the bill.” Macheers, however, is firm in his belief that the bill discriminates against no one. “It just gives a measure of protection on both sides of the [gay marriage] issue,” he said. “It strikes a balance.” Exactly, you guys. Civil rights issues are all about balance and compromise. If you pass a measure help the oppressed, you have to give something of equal value to the oppressors. That’s how we all become equal, together: by not changing a goddamn thing.

Marriage is Dead for Real This Time

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Gay Marriage: It’s threatening to Wake Me Up Inside.

As we enter 2014, it’s important to remember all those we’ve lost in the year before. One death, specifically, weighs on all our hearts and minds. readme is, of course, speaking of the tragic and unexpected passing of the institution of marriage. That’s right, folks. Marriage died in 2013. Not that you’d know from listening to the lamestream liberal media. Thankfully, we have Keith Ablow to tell us what’s what.

A psychiatrist and member of the ‘Fox News Medical A-Team’ (catchphrase: “I love it when a health plan comes together”), Dr. Keith Ablow broke the news in the most level-headed and professional manner possible, with a not-at-all melodramatic statement that “marriage is over”. According to sources, he then started painting his nails black and muttering about how ‘Linkin Park’s the only one who understands’.

Ablow of course had numerous pieces of evidence to support his ‘dead marriage’ theory, and by ‘numerous’, we mean ‘one’. As he points out, sometimes celebrities have really short marriages, and this is undeniably the result of marriage being dead. Because short celebrity marriages are a thing totally specific to 2013, and not something celebrities have been doing for decades before now. But it’s not like evidence is an important part of the scientific process or anyone. No, what’s more important is Ablow making sure people know that he totally called it.

“More than a year ago, when states began to legalize gay marriage, I argued that polygamy would be the natural result,” Ablow said. “Now one District Court Judge in Utah thinks that parts of a single anti-polygamy law are unconstitutional, so I’m going to consider my point irrefutably proved.” And since the man is clearly a better prophet than Nostradamus, he followed up with some more crazy blanket generalizations, asserting that gay marriage will lead to marriage becoming “the Wild West” and incest being legalized.

“Wait, hang on,” readme asked, confused, “is marriage a cowboy now? I thought it was dead.”

“I don’t care! You’re not my real dad!” Ablow shouted in response, throwing his eyeliner at readme. “Marriage is a joke! Everybody should just take the government out of the equation altogether! Get gay-polygamy-married at a commune for all I care! I’m going to write a moody poem about it on my LiveJournal! Then you’ll be sorry!”

It’s the ENDA the World as We Know it

The United States Senate recently passed a bill known as the Employee Non-Discrimination Act to much fanfare from the LGBT community. In related news, conservative Christians have all headed to their Playboy-lined straight bunkers to wait out the gay apocalypse, again. While some might call this reaction ‘overblown’ and ‘tired’, these conservatives insist it only seems this way due to confusion over what the bill actually does.

According to the gays, ENDA is simply a federal bill that will protect members of the LGBT community from being wrongfully fired or passed over for work because of their sexuality or gender identity, citing such obviously bogus sources as ‘the actual bill itself’. Thankfully Christian America know where to get its cold, hard facts: from wild fearmongering speculation.

For instance, did you know that with ENDA in place, it will now be legal to fire people for being Christians? readme sure didn’t, but thanks to the magic of paranoia, it now knows that any bill which provides protection to LGBT individuals is actually designed to attack Christians! readme also learned a valuable lesson about the hardships Christians in America have to suffer. Can you imagine, having to pretend to be someone you’re not day in and day out for fear you’ll be fired from your job by bigots who don’t accept your way of life? Bravo to you, conservative patriots, for pointing out what sort of struggles your people, and absolutely no other groups in America, have to face every day.

And what about when employers need to consider an applicant’s sexuality when deciding whether to hire them? For some bizarre reason, ENDA has no loophole for such a scenario. As the Catholic church points out, there are jobs that cannot be properly done by an individual who is not straight and thus discrimination based on sexuality is “appropriate and relevant”. readme is trying really, really hard not to make the obvious joke about why the Catholic church would need to select for straight people.

Plus, as conservatives state, the LGBT community will most likely use the bill to push for the recognition of gay marriages on the state level. And as we all know, if gay marriage is legal, straight marriage will be made illegal, and then pretty soon we’ll all be polygamously marrying underage goats, because that’s how that works. So if you’re Christian and you support traditional marriage, you should head to your bunkers straight away and wait for those hateful gay bullies to stop judging you for who you are.