Worst Human Eats Pizza Crust-First

by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef

JERSEY CITY—A young woman was spotted late Thursday eating a pizza crust-first at a local Pizza Hut. Onlookers gasped in horror as the woman, identified as Sheila Cummings, a 28-year-old fashion blogger from Ohio, bit into the crunchy end of her slice, leaving the pointy end hanging limply.

Establishment owner Rodrigo Rosuello told readme, “She seemed like such a normal girl. The waiter was a little uncomfortable when she winked after asking for a meat lover’s surprise, but we get that a lot. People think they’re so original.”

According to Rosuello, many patrons have particular eating habits that the staff have been trained to handle without judgment. One “artsy-fartsy type,” as he put it, even goes to the trouble of eating off all the cheese, flipping the pizza upside-down, and turning the crust inside-out. But even that freak of nature cannot compare to the utter blasphemy displayed by Cummings on the evening of March 2.

When asked if he thought Cummings might qualify for World’s Worst Human, Rosuello responded affirmatively. “I knew something was wrong when I saw her wearing brown shoes with black pants, but it wasn’t until I saw her eat the lemon in her water that I started considering her for Worst Human. And the constant renditions of ‘Wicked’ songs under her breath sealed the deal.” The middle-aged Virginian shook his head. “What is it with some people? Do you ever stop singing? Do you think you’re quiet? We can hear you. Shut up.”

What do you think, readers? Is Sheila Cummings, Crust-First-Pizza-Eater, your top candidate for Worst Human? Send your response to the editor at rin@cmu.edu!

readme to Make Waffle Booth

by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef

2016-11-04-1

Loyal fans, readme has a special announcement. For the first time since its founding in 1895, readme will be building a booth for Carnival 2017. We hope to see you all on Midway supporting our hardworking bears.

As everyone knows, the 2017 Carnival theme is IHOP, so readme has decided to build a waffle booth. Well known for its waffle-making endeavors, readme was ecstatic to discover that Spring Carnival Committee has finally chosen a theme that will not leave readme desserted with insufficient dough to spend on a booth.

Readme’s booth will be made entirely of waffles, held together with toothpicks and syrup. The game, you ask? Avoid being eaten by the bears who have been lured out of the woods by the overwhelming odor of syrup. Bonus points if you come out of the booth unscathed by the waterfalls of Log Cabin.

While SCC usually insists on actual things like “plywood” or “leveling” or “not having the roof drip syrup on people’s heads,” readme is pretty sure that a word with its mascots will convince the Committees that waffles have sufficient structural integrity.

Readme has been waffling for years about whether it wants to build a booth, but given this year’s theme (some peasant acted all holey-er than thou and tried to tell readme the theme wasn’t actually IHOP, but readme quickly ironed out the truth), it was too good. Readme has been buttering up SCC for years, just waiting for the right opportunity to make is glorious booth debut.

We hope you keep us out of a sticky situation by helping out!

Mobile Version of Japanese Videogame Takes the World by Storm

by Rin Fair

2016-09-07-2.png

This summer, the Japanese company behind one of the most popular videogames ever made partnered with San-Francisco-based developer Niantic to release a mobile platform that would take the world by storm. That’s right, Katamari Damacy Go is now live.

Everyone remembers Katamari Damacy, the 2004 hit in which players roll everyday objects into a giant ball in order to rebuild the moon and stars after they have been destroyed accidentally by the King of All Cosmos after a night of heavy drinking.

When the app is purchased, players are sent a “katamari,” a magical ball that allows anything smaller than itself to stick to it and make it grow in the original game. These special Katamari Damacy Go katamaris are equipped with a bluetooth chip that communicates to a phone how big they are at any given time. Players then wander around their houses, neighborhoods, and towns with this katamari. The app scans everyday objects and tells players if they are small enough to be rolled into the katamari. If they are, they can be picked up and stuck to the katamari, which is constantly secreting glue (since real magic is too expensive in the real world to be cost-effective).

Eventually, players are rolling their giant katamaris down the street, scanning neighbors’ mailboxes and hedges, to see if they are small enough to rip out of the ground and attach to the katamari. The top players in the world at this time have farm animals and small buildings in their katamaris, and we can’t wait to see where it goes next!

UPDATE: There have been reports of Katamari players being arrested simply for rolling their katamaris in public. We at readme are very disappointed in the police force for its clear discrimination against weeaboos. We advise players to be careful in their katamari-rolling as long as these silly complaints about people stealing cars for their katamaris keep coming in.

For our part, readme’s giant ball of junk is currently disguised as the AB Office.

Students protest Donald Trump fence while rest of campus burns

Rin Fair, prioritizing editor

With Carnival, exams, and the end of the year rapidly approaching, not to mention Hillary Clinton’s upcoming campus visit for her 2016 presidential campaign, and a petition circulating about sexual assault on campus, readme decided this would be a good time to talk about what really matters. The Donald Trump fence.

Just days after the tragic passing of two members of our campus community, CMU students have highlighted on another travesty that your Facebook feed might have you believe is just as important. Donald Trump’s name has been painted on the fence.

CMU is excellent at coming together when a tragedy occurs. Last week, our newsfeeds were flooded with messages of support and comfort. This week, everyone is protesting the Trump fence in solidarity. Perhaps next week, we can rise up and overthrow CulinArt if we put our minds to it.

readme is proud to be part of  such a community, where students can freely discuss the issues they find important: Donald Trump, sexual assault, Hillary Clinton, and stress culture (note: these are in no particular order).

readme, along with its brothers in the CMU community, fervently disapproves of this fence-painting atrocity. It feels that this pro-Trump message is taking attention away from the urgent issues that we need to address on campus. readme, of course, moved to paint the fence for Cthulhu instead. That should be much less dismissive of the problems that plague our university.

Trump Proposes to Keep Aliens Out

Rin Fair, Trump Train Conductor

Millions of Americans have flocked to Donald Trump for his stern immigration policies and his commitment to “Make America Great Again.” Needless to say, readme was thrilled to obtain an exclusive interview with the legend himself, due to its valuable connections (read: undercover bears in the Trump campaign).

readme: Thank you for meeting us here today, Mr. Trump. We’ve been very curious, of course, about your controversial stance on immigration.

Trump: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, we can’t have any more illegal aliens in this country. So, what we’re going to do is we’re going to build a Great, Great Wall, and we’re going to make them pay for it.

readme: Right, so the question everyone’s been asking is, how are you going to make them pay for it?

Trump: You just make them. That’s how I manage my business. When they ask me how, I tell them, just do it. And it’s made me very, very rich.

readme: So, in other words, you’re going to make your underlings figure it out.

Trump: I don’t know why this is so hard. We just have to make them build a wall over America so no more aliens can come here.

readme: I’m sorry, did you say over America? As in, above the earth’s surface?

Trump: What did you think? To the North? Keep out the Canadians? Who wants to stop Justin Bieber from coming here? Get with the program.

readme: You’re literally worried about extraterrestrials landing in America and you want to make them build a satellitic wall to keep themselves out.

Trump: Of course. Aliens are dangerous criminals, and they steal our jobs. And some, I assume, are good people.

readme: Right. So just one more thing… What about the sun?

At this point, Trump glanced meaningfully at his bare wrist and exited without further comment.

Women Can’t Stop Harassing Joe

Look at that hussy, daring  to be in the same room as Joe Biden.

Look at that hussy, daring to be in the same room as Joe Biden.

On February 18, the United States welcomed new Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter. While it is sure that Carter will make a wonderful addition to the cabinet, readme was unable to pay attention to the inauguration speech due to the unseemly behavior of one Mrs. Carter.

 

Stephanie Carter arrived in a scandalous black dress with sleeves that failed to cover her elbows, standing tantalizingly close to Vice President Joe Biden, no doubt in hopes of seducing him with her fiery countenance. As the speech began, she maneuvered herself into his arms, leaving the poor VP with no choice but to leave his hands on her shoulders and fake a smile.

 

readme is extremely upset with the lack of coverage in the mainstream media: how can we just stand by and watch while this woman abuses her power as the wife of a cabinet member to sexually harass an innocent man in front of our very eyes? We know that Joe Biden is a lady magnet (Remember 13-year-old Maggie Coons who infamously tried to kiss Biden to his obvious distress earlier this year?), but seriously woman, keep in in your pants.

 

Joe Biden is just one prominent example in a string of cases of women abusing men in the safety of the public eye. Another recent victim is John Travolta, who was violated by Idina Menzel at the Oscars when she inappropriately stroked his hand with her face onstage and by Scarlett Johansson, who wrapped herself in his embrace and pressed her cheek upon his lips while the helpless celebrity did the only proper thing he could — stared stonily into the distance until it was over.

 

This flagrant sexism and abuse of power cannot be tolerated if we are to progress as a society. Women are not entitled to men’s bodies, and this kind of inappropriate touching is but one of the many reasons why men feel unsafe in the public sphere. We need a system in which women are taught to respect men, rather than men being taught to defend themselves from women. As long as the current system stands, we can only expect to see more stories of poor men unable to fend off such unwanted advances. So here is readme doing its part to spread awareness.

Things We May or May Not Be at War With

ISIS

• U.S.S.R.

• Obama

• Bears

• The word “moist”

• Pumpkin Spice

• Warm weather

• Jeggings

• Any and all of the “-stan”s

• Chris Christie

• Eye-Rack

• Ee-ron

• Eeyore

• Christianity

• Christmas

• Christopher Robin

• Terror

• Dangling participles

• Flip phones

• Crocs

• Crocs with socks

• Dubstep

• Banana Laffy Taffy

• Taylor Swift

• Thumbs

• Colds

• The ghost of Josef Stalin

• Josh Korn

New Game Allows Men to Dress Avatars in Skimpy Outfits

Fans of QQ Studios have extolled the virtues of its highly anticipated new game QQ the Game, In the game, players navigate the medieval countryside, a peaceful land dotted with farms, castles, and dragons’ lairs.

 

While fans are pleased to see another fantasy RPG in the style of Runescape (one of the most popular games in the last fifteen years, for the ill-informed), the hype surrounding QQ the Game is due in large part to its vast selection of armor available to male characters.

 

The players’ primary mentor is an elderly man who wears what some have called a “chainmail speedo” and knee pads, an ensemble which, not so long ago, would have been considered far too risqué for public consumption. While some argue that this getup detracts from the authority of the character, he has nonetheless become something of an icon of male empowerment since the release of the first trailer at E3 last year.

 

In an exclusive interview with readme, one beta tester known by the alias XxSpaceL0rdxX said, “I’ve always wanted to see a more accurate representation of myself in a game. Girls always get the fun costumes that really show off who they are under all the armor, but this is the first game I’ve ever played that doesn’t restrict me to wearing something that covers my character’s whole body and face — I mean, why does character customization even exist?”

 

Others have complained that the skimpy costumes afforded to male characters reduce them to mere sex objects, adding that the armor is utterly impractical and has no place in the game. While these people are entitled to their opinions, of course, there is evidence that the only body parts that really need protecting are the genitals and the knees (which are very vulnerable to arrows), and that the rest of the armor effectively does nothing but hinder movement.

 

Overall, QQ the Game has had very positive reception, with an expected release shortly after that of Valve’s Half-Life 3.