readme Experiences True Terror at Haunted House Aimed at Millennial Demographic

The Haunted House / Das Geisterhaus

To celebrate Halloween, readme decided to go through a new haunted house it found, known as the “Haunted House for the 21st Century.” The outside looked nice enough, until a motion-activated light suddenly turned on, illuminating a foreclosure sign. Feeling a growing sense of dread, readme bravely entered.

 

The first room had a handful of people sitting around watching one of the numerous spinoffs of Paranormal Activity. The fact that people still watch those things was scary enough, but then one by one, the movie-watchers began coughing. readme backed away, but not before hearing one of them gasp, “I’ve got ebola…”

 

The next room had a couch fort built in one corner, where a group of men and women in khaki and camo clutched guns to their chests. “Don’t come any closer!” they shouted shrilly. “We don’t want to get the ebola! Or the gay! Or the science!” Sidling along the wall, readme made it to the other door with only a warning shot.

 

Heart pounding, readme was reassured when it saw that the next room wasn’t too scary. Just two old men in suits, staring at each other over a chessboard. It wasn’t until readme noticed the unmoving grandfather clock behind them, with the hands point to just before midnight, which was marked “DOOMSDAY.” The pendulum was marked with the atomic symbol, and each of the chess players had a nametag: one was labeled Uncle Sam, and the other, simply Comrade. readme jumped when its watch beeped the hour, and it moved on with a nuclear sense of dread.

 

At the next juncture, there was a choice of two doors. To the left was the path for non-whites, and to the right was for whites. readme, being a black-and-white newspaper, was unsure which to choose, until it caught a glimpse of a police officer with a gun waiting in the dark beyond the left path. readme quickly scuttled towards the whites door, not wanting to know what was beyond the other threshold.

 

After a truly uneventful hallway, readme came into a room full of sand. Figures wearing black robes and waving knives were shouting something about “Death to America,” but what really raised readme’s pulse was the robotic snake that crawled up the side of the sand pile readme was standing on.

 

Finally, the end of the haunted house approached. However, before exiting, there was an alcove containing stacks of hundred-dollar bills, piles of precious gemstones, and a squalling baby that appeared to be someone’s firstborn. The sign dangling above proclaimed that this treasure trove was the amount you owed, beginning six months after you graduated from the haunted institution.

ISIS Installs WiFi to Recruit American Gamers in Response to Ablow Comments

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In recent news, three American girls (aged 15 through 17) have been caught attempting to flee to Syria to join terrorist group ISIS for unknown reasons. Unknown to everyone except Fox News’ Dr. Keith Ablow, that is, who was immediately able to pin down the culprit: video games.

 

Now, there hasn’t exactly been any evidence that the girls were inspired to become terrorists because of video games. Or even that they play video games at all. But they are teenagers, and you know how them teens get with their Nintendos and their Buzzfeeds.

 

“How much,” Ablow asks, “have reality and self-determination, after all, been diluted by drowning ourselves and our children in the waters of Facebook and Twitter and Snapchat and YikYak and YouTube.” That’s right, folks: YikYak causes terrorism. You heard it here first.

 

“Is joining ISIS just going one concrete step further…than playing Wartune, an interactive game in which players enter a dark fantasy world and take on the role of knights or archers who do battle with one another?” Wartune, for reference, is that one game you keep getting pop up ads for when you’re illegally streaming movies on the Internet. You know, the one with all the boobs.

 

Now, some might argue that there’s slightly more than ‘one concrete step’ between sitting on your couch in your pajamas pushing buttons on a controller and moving to Syria to fight a bloody war for religious extremists. But Ablow notes that the brainwashing effects of ‘The Internets’ are subtle and widespread. No young person these days actually has thoughts and opinions of their own, unless they agree with Keith Ablow, in which case they’re totally legit.

 

Gamers are ISIS’s target demographic, says Ablow, as their fanaticism is completely unmatched in America today. Some gamers spend thousands of dollars on video games, an amount of money that nobody has ever spent on anything else ever, especially not when they’re a wealthy GOP supporter and it’s election year. Clearly, the gamers have them outmatched. “How hard would it be,” Ablow asks, “to recruit the most avid users of such games…to fight in a faraway land for an army of bloodthirsty lunatics wearing black hoods and sweeping across the desert?”

 

Well, for starters, first you’d have to get them out of their basements, which as the parents of these avid gamers can tell you is no mean feat. “Frankly, if ISIS can get my son to stop playing on that Xbox, more power to them,” says one parent, whose 34-year-old son, hasn’t left his couch in over ten years. “At least he’ll finally get some exercise.”

 

readme spoke with a representative of ISIS, asking the terrorist group’s opinion on Ablow’s piece. “It really opened our eyes,” said the representative. “Me and the guys were just thinking, you know what this anti-American organization needs? More Americans.” He added that ISIS was positively giddy at the thought of inviting a bunch of unathletic nerds who think they know how to shoot a gun just because they’ve played Call of Duty a few times into their rigorous military movement. They’ve even starting installing Wifi into their camps to better cater to this desirable demographic.

Terrorist Group Seeking Terrifying Acronym

The Terrorist Group Formerly Known as ISIS is currently holding a nationwide convention to decide a properly terrifying acronym. “We want to be scary-sounding, you know?” said a representative of the organization. “ISIS doesn’t sound scary. It sounds like an alternative rock band. Besides, the Egyptians are getting worked up over it—something about ancient blasphemy, I think.”

“It’s bad enough having a goddess named Nut,” commented one Egyptian mythology expert. “Can we at least keep this name dignified?”

The session was opened by a riveting speech from the group’s leader, Caliph Ibrahim ibn Awad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai. However, that quickly wound down after he began referring to himself in the third person and put most of the members to sleep. Debate then began over whether the group should be IS, ISI, ISIS, ISIL, or some other combination of letters for “maximum 3spooky5me factor,” as requested by another member. “I would actually prefer to go back to Tanzim Qa’idat al-Jihad fi Bilad al-Rafidayn, but nobody else seems to like it,” said the man. “Now that was a name to send shivers down an enemy’s spine!”

Multiple times throughout the session, readme noticed members referencing a mysterious paper. After some subtle body language, readme was able to obtain a copy, which turned out to be a “cheat sheet” of sorts. “Hey, even we can’t keep track,” said a representative sitting in the back of the chamber and folding a paper airplane. The list included JTJ, AQI, ISI, ISIL, ISIS, IS, QSIS, and “kill all who mention Da’esh.” readme decided to avoid the term.
After a full day of debate, representatives were unable to come to a verdict. Spirits remained high, though. “Our projections show that we’ll be taking over the entirety of the Fertile Crescent by 2015,” said the Caliph. “We’re hoping for a 10 percent market share by October.” When asked if President Obama’s call for drone strikes would affect his model, he appeared shocked and began whispering fiercely to an aide, who had just been struck by what appeared to be a paper airplane. The session was then quickly called to a close, the question unanswered.

Obama: Just Plain Wrong

Barack-Obama-pondering--looking-sad-Getty

 Aw, now Sadface Obama is making us sad, too! Thanks, Sadface Obama!

We all know why the world is the terrible, scary place it is today. It’s because that bastard Obama did nothing for his first six years in office (no, if we’ve said it once we’ve said it a thousand times, health care doesn’t count). Despite calling on him to be more assertive, more aggressive, more stubborn, more bullheaded, and more of an asshole, as befits the leader of the free world, he has remained calm and collected and refused to put more American boots on the ground, where they belong.

Obviously, this strategy was ineffective, because his pussy-footin’ cowardice led to the current unstable situation in Iraq and the Middle East in general. It’s his fault the hornet’s nest was stirred up in the first place. Thanks, Obama.

You see, warmongers have been calling for more military aggression overseas ever since Obama came into office. When the Arab Spring awoke, who was there to help the dictators we’ve been propping up since the 50s? When the Syrian Civil War erupted, who was there to help tear down the cruel and vicious dictator, as long as the help didn’t end up in the hands of extremists? When Putin invaded Ukraine, who was there to help beat back the filthy commies? Not Obama, that’s who.

Anyways, after twiddling his thumbs for far too long, Obama finally pulled the trigger and got us involved in another messy conflict. Air strikes in Iraq to combat ISIS, an organization that beheads journalists and whose sole goal is to establish an ultra-conservative theocratic state? You might think that we would support our quibbler-in-chief once he’s made a decision. But how could we? Obama’s plan is outrageous. It just goes too far. Or not far enough. Or in the wrong direction. Whatever the case, Obama was wrong.
Sure, he’s done something, outlining a plan in the time-honored tradition of killing the bad guys without actually declaring war. But why should we support this action? All he wants to do is bomb them into oblivion, without committing to a drawn-out ground war. Or, rather, he wants to spend our money and risk our soldiers lives getting engaged in some other nations’ conflicts. Either way, it’s not what we wanted. Maybe it’s a ruse for the mid-term elections. As such, we cannot endorse Obama’s action, just as we could not endorse his inaction. He’s a terrible president, no matter what he does. Really.