List: Topical Halloween Costumes

sexy prez

• Bottle of ointment
• Assigned group partner
• Existential dread
• Blood-soaked past presidents
• Stress
• Palm tree
• Surfer dude
• Parro- oh, I thought you said tropical
• Construction worker
• Sexy bottle of ointment
• Sexy assigned group partner
• Sexy existential dread
• Sexy blood-soaked past presidents
• Sexy stress
• Sexy palm tree/parrot/surfer dude/etc.
• Sexy construction worker
• Unsexy assigned group partner

If CMU Majors Gave Out Candy for Halloween

Chemistry majors: Candy melted when the sulfuric acid spilled on it.


Mechies: Bowl is full of mousetraps so children can build mousetrap cars, confused when parents call the cops on them.


ECE majors: Wired bowl to conduct a current, resulting in a nasty shock for anyone who touched the candy. Also surprised when the cops showed up.


Bio majors: Made fake samples of the ebola virus for topical Halloween prank. Super surprised when the CDC showed up.


MatSci: Candy is made from carbon fiber.


CS majors: Forgot it was Halloween, too busy finishing that 251 homework.


Psychology majors: Half the candy is replaced with graham crackers in a double-blind test of the placebo effect.


Physics majors: Knew the kind of candy they were handing out, and thus had no idea about its location.


Math majors: Knew that candy existed, and thus they did not have to buy it.


Drama majors: Didn’t buy any candy–your disappointment is a performance art piece called ‘The Descent of Man’.


Music majors: Can’t hear the doorbell over their own noise.


Business majors: Charged the kids 50 cents per piece of candy in an abject lesson on supply and demand.


Dietrich majors: Couldn’t afford candy.


CFA majors: Hasn’t been seen out of studio for three weeks.


Archies: Candy status unknown, nobody’s made it through the full-size Halloween maze they constructed in their front yard.

If there is a lesson to be found here, kids, it’s this: Go trick-or-treat at Pitt this year.

readme Experiences True Terror at Haunted House Aimed at Millennial Demographic

The Haunted House / Das Geisterhaus

To celebrate Halloween, readme decided to go through a new haunted house it found, known as the “Haunted House for the 21st Century.” The outside looked nice enough, until a motion-activated light suddenly turned on, illuminating a foreclosure sign. Feeling a growing sense of dread, readme bravely entered.


The first room had a handful of people sitting around watching one of the numerous spinoffs of Paranormal Activity. The fact that people still watch those things was scary enough, but then one by one, the movie-watchers began coughing. readme backed away, but not before hearing one of them gasp, “I’ve got ebola…”


The next room had a couch fort built in one corner, where a group of men and women in khaki and camo clutched guns to their chests. “Don’t come any closer!” they shouted shrilly. “We don’t want to get the ebola! Or the gay! Or the science!” Sidling along the wall, readme made it to the other door with only a warning shot.


Heart pounding, readme was reassured when it saw that the next room wasn’t too scary. Just two old men in suits, staring at each other over a chessboard. It wasn’t until readme noticed the unmoving grandfather clock behind them, with the hands point to just before midnight, which was marked “DOOMSDAY.” The pendulum was marked with the atomic symbol, and each of the chess players had a nametag: one was labeled Uncle Sam, and the other, simply Comrade. readme jumped when its watch beeped the hour, and it moved on with a nuclear sense of dread.


At the next juncture, there was a choice of two doors. To the left was the path for non-whites, and to the right was for whites. readme, being a black-and-white newspaper, was unsure which to choose, until it caught a glimpse of a police officer with a gun waiting in the dark beyond the left path. readme quickly scuttled towards the whites door, not wanting to know what was beyond the other threshold.


After a truly uneventful hallway, readme came into a room full of sand. Figures wearing black robes and waving knives were shouting something about “Death to America,” but what really raised readme’s pulse was the robotic snake that crawled up the side of the sand pile readme was standing on.


Finally, the end of the haunted house approached. However, before exiting, there was an alcove containing stacks of hundred-dollar bills, piles of precious gemstones, and a squalling baby that appeared to be someone’s firstborn. The sign dangling above proclaimed that this treasure trove was the amount you owed, beginning six months after you graduated from the haunted institution.

Next Big Monster

Zombies, vampires… they’ve all been done to death. readme’s here to tell you what’s next.

• Mermaids

• Unicorns

• Invisible Puppies

• Invisible Kittens

• You know what, invisible anything, because does it really matter?

• Mermaids that are also vampires

• Vampiric unicorns that live underwater

• Artificial Intelligence/Demons

• Nazi Vampires

• Nazi Aliens

• Corporations

• Vampiric Corporat- wait, that’s redundant

• Cthulhu

Lose Your Faith in Humanity in One Short Article

We all know that if there’s any problem with second-quarter CMU students, it’s that they’re just too darn optimistic. If you’re a student looking for a way to crush that pesky faith in humanity before finals, look no further than this very article, which chronicles the adventures of actual Americans (seriously, though, we didn’t make any of this shit up) who decided that dressing up as a sexy Native American for Halloween this year just wasn’t offensive enough. No, this year we get assholes going as:


• Hitler, because of course people dressed up as Hitler.

• KKK members.

• Suicide bombers.

• Osama bin Laden.

• George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, complete with bloody hoodie and blackface.

• A political cartoonist’s idea of what President Obama looks like.

• The Boston marathon bomber.

• The Boston marathon victims.

• The homeless.

• The Twin Towers, mid-explosion.

• Bloody flight attendants from the Asiana Airlines crash.


• This last one’s not a costume, but one dude hung up an effigy designed to look like a lynched black man on his lawn as a ‘Halloween decoration’. 


If this year’s crop of costumes teaches us anything, it is that we’ve clearly lost our connection with this sacred holiday. We have to remember, next year, the true meaning of Halloween: finding increasingly skimpy outfits for women to wear.

CMU’s Hellish History


Ask an average CMU student what they think of certain features on the school’s campus – for example, that infamous “Walking to the Sky” statue. You’ll find that words like “kinda”, “weird”, and “eyesore” frequently enter into their vocabulary. Rarely, however, will you encounter words like and “monument to” and “Satan’s penis”. Or, in the case of the Randy Pausch bridge, “rickety bridge to hellspawn portal”.Yet such words are the sordid reality of CMU’s grim past.

Flash back to a Saturday morning in the early 1900’s. CMU campus was a wasteland, a patchy field of dying grass and unyielding soil. Any life that stumbled into the area don’t survive long- if they were lucky. Otherwise they were found days later, frothing at the mouth and lost within the folds of their own minds (you haven’t known fear until you’ve encountered a possum in this state). Understandably, locals avoided this “Satanic Triangle”. Enter Andrew Carnegie, famed Satanist and metalwork hobbyist.

For Andrew Carnegie, this was the promised land; Carnegie had long hunted for a direct link between the human world and his demonic overlords. He immediately set up camp in the area under the guise of an educational institute. Along with the College of Fine Arts, “Walking to the Sky” was one of the first structures he erected. And erect it he did – historical documents indicate that Carnegie originally commissioned “Walking to the Sky” as a monument to celebrate the very unholy member of Lucifer, the Dark Prince. Weekly Saturday worship services usually involved tying human sacrifices along its length and cranking the monument up to a proud stand. A host of demons would then traverse the Randy Pausch bridge to claim the souls of the hapless victims. Once the ritual was completed, the demons would journey back across the bridge and stop by Tazza d’Oro for a hot chocolate before retreating back to Hell with their fresh harvests and maybe a biscotti for the Dark Prince. 

Though both Tazza d’Oro and the demonic ritual have both remained untouched since they first originated during Lucifer’s Fall, the details have changed. Tazza D’Oro no longer opens on the weekends and the ritual has taken on a more symbolic form. Instead of real human sacrifices tied to a large metal penis, Carnegie Mellon binds the hope and dreams of their students to the statue, for the consuming pleasure of our demonic overlords in Gates.

Cows Are Eating Candy

ImageAre you craving chocolate milk like right now? Unless you’re lactose intolerant or hate America, you do want some chocolate milk and you’re in luck! Apparently corn is really expensive to feed to cows since they have four stomachs and it’s way cheaper to just feed the cows candy instead. That’s right, cows are now living every little kid’s lifelong dream: Vegetables are too expensive, better just eat candy.

Anyway, corn costs about $350 per ton while chocolate sprinkles cost only $160 per ton so… wait, what? You can buy chocolate sprinkles BY THE TON? For $160 readme could finally create that giant pool of chocolate sprinkles that was once just a beautiful dream de- clared unsanitary by the FDA. In fact, I’m going to go invest in a few tons of sprinkles right now, AB won’t mind if readme borrows a little extra money from the budget.

THREE DAYS LATER News update: After the Activities Board discovered its entire bud- get was blown on several hundred tons of chocolate sprinkles, famed embezzler publication readme was found unconscious in the swimming pool. The pool, which had recently been drained by several dozen thirsty cows, is now filled with chocolate milk and chocolate sprinkles. Deter- mined never to let a good crisis go to waste, CulinArt is currently bottling the chocolate concoction and selling it for some crazy high price at En- tropy. It is delicious, but it will give you diabetes. So much diabetes.

Letter to the Editor: Scared and Horny

Dear readme,

I’m having trouble staying faithful to my wife, “Zoe”. We’re newly married and we’ve never had relationship problems before.   As I child I had a bit of a dollar bill fetish and a crush on my sister’s  Raggedy Ann. I struggled for years to hide it, and I thought I’d managed to escape my desires by sticking with credit cards and moving away from my little sister. But Halloween has made this impossible.   Recently I was looking for Halloween decorations for our house and I cut through the women’s costume aisle. Ads for Sexy Raggedy Ann costumes, Sexy Money Bunny costumes and Money Ho costumes jumped out at me from all  around. Miniskirts made of cash were everywhere, and I couldn’t escapes Ben Franklin’s sultry gaze, staring at me with that come hither look I  once knew so well. It’d been years since I last handled cash, but the presidents haven’t aged a day. All my old desires just poured back.   What can I do? My daughter even got a Raggedy Ann doll and I’m having more and more trouble coping with the siren call of its black button eyes. I don’t want to ruin my marriage, but I don’t think my wife would understand. How can I save our relationship?   The only ray of sunshine is it’s vindicating to know that I’m not alone. I can finally appeal the court case that convicted me of defiling U.S.  currency.

-Terrifyingly Turned On