Americans Prep for Annual Gov Shutdown

Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In what is becoming an annual event, Americans across the nation are preparing to celebrate Government Shutdown Eve this Wednesday, September 30. As always, American families will gather together, throw a party, and watch in awe as their government can’t get its shit together long enough to fund itself. Now that America has entered its fifth consecutive year with one or more major funding issues deferred until the absolute latest point possible and then hastily “solved” (usually by being deferred some more, somehow), many families have begun to adopt traditions that they follow every Government Shutdown Eve. As a special holiday column, readme’s political correspondent decided to look into how observers celebrate the occasion and found three traditions shared by almost everyone:

  1. The ritual sparring match between the eldest unmarried men of an extended family, representing the eternal partisan bickering between the two parties. One man’s face is painted blue to represent the Democrats and the other’s is red for the Republicans. Like the Congressional debate itself, the match is long, arduous, and above all, kind of depressing to watch, and the outcome of the bout is seen as an omen for which party will be saddled with the blame for this particular tedious and completely avoidable crisis.
  2. The reading aloud of the US tax code at the dinner table. Since tradition holds that the entire 70,000+ page tax code must be read before anyone is allowed to eat, guests quickly become restless, hungry, and discontent, and are rarely able to eat before the holiday ends at midnight (or whenever the Senate finally concludes its last-minute compromise talks). In fact, only one instance of successfully reading the entire tax code in anything resembling a timely manner has been recorded, and that was by a professional speedreader who collapsed in exhaustion immediately after reading the final exemption.
  3. The Two Minutes’ Sadness. At the commencement of holidaymaking, all participants are invited to take two minutes to contemplate sadly how our nation’s great democratic experiment has devolved into a mess of hyperpartisan gamesmanship at the expense of good governance. At the end of the two minutes, everyone gives a loud and protracted sigh, and only then can festivities truly begin.

And with that, readme’s political correspondent would like to wish you an unhappy Government Shutdown Eve and a disenchanting New Fiscal Year.

Obama having a hard time after art crit

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President Obama had a hard time last Friday after his conceptual piece Here I Am met scathing reviews from peers. He was available to publicly comment the following day.“It didn’t well,” Mr. Obama told readme in the confines of his studio. “I mean, quite a few people said they liked my concept. But that was about it.”

Mr. Obama’s piece was submitted for the White House’s Concept Art studio which meets every Monday and Wednesday, and on Friday for critique sessions. These studio sessions are required of all members of Congress as well as for the President. For years they have been a sanctuary for Democrats and Republicans to explore their personal voices both as politicians and emerging artists. But the recent fuss over Mr. Obama’s work seems a step backward.

So why is the President’s piece so controversial? Here I Am is an installation piece featuring a flight of stairs that leads up to the second story window of the oval office. It is “interactive” – viewers are promised a handshake and mint candy from the President once they reach the top. Which would seem fine, except that the stairs are encrusted in manure and star spangled glitter.

Most viewers report not being able to “get it”, let alone get into the crowded opening. But Mr. Obama’s peers and classmates had different issues altogether. One of his loudest critics, Republican House Speaker John Boehner, called the project “pastiche”. “Here I Am obviously tries to reference M.C. Escher’s Relativity in a more sophisticated and modernized context. But it just comes across as another campy version of the Relativity. Obama hasn’t given his piece a relevant enough context for there to be any emotional resonance between the viewer and his piece.”

“See, I don’t get that comment,” Mr. Obama told readme in his studio. “Where’s he getting Relativity from? Here I Am resembles nonsensical staircases in the same way it resembles any other major works or ideas in the last 200 years with stairs. If anything, my work references Romney’s 2006 Here You Are which, by the way, Boehner loved.”

Romney’s infamous Here You Are was a conceptual piece in which viewers were invited to climb into Romney’s campaign bus. The stairs in Romney’s version, however, were covered in tacks. Once at the top, viewers would be smacked with a $500 fine before being booted back down the stairs. Once at the bottom audience members were promptly arrested for trespassing.

“I thought people would appreciate if I marginally improved a horrible experience.” Mr. Obama said, “I mean, Boehner and his crew are really into that whole Sisyphean climb motif. But I wanted something a little more productive, so fuck me, right?”

Rick Perry on Ted Cruz: Lay “the Wood” to Obama

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In what was uncomfortably close to a play on slavery tropes, beloved Rick Perry has recently praised Ted Cruz’s twenty-one hour filibuster, attempt to defund Obamacare and subsequent success in shutting down the government. Perry had his reservations, however. 

 

Perry told reporter Jeff Zeleny that, “It would have been wiser for us to have laid the wood to the president — so to speak — in the sense of being able to call him out on this, let it become an issue of, ‘Mr. President, you own this,’, laying on the racially coded implication that he’d like to beat the president.

 

“This” being the fact that some Americans will be unable to keep their original health care plan now that Obamacare is taking full effect in our country. Because, you know, their healthcare plans were more expensive and less effective. 

 

“He needs to stand up in front of the American people and say, ‘You know what? I perpetrated a fraud on you.” Continued Perry, who, during his failed run for candidacy in the 2012 election, spoke about ideas such as  “legitimate rape” (i.e.rape that doesn’t cause pregnancy because it’s actually rape.), initiated an international incident after calling Turks terrorists, confused Libya and Lebanon and compared the oppression of gay school children to Christian school children . The list goes on. 

 

Really, it might be for the best if Ted Cruz took a page out of Rick Perry’s book (oh, but he probably doesn’t own books) and gave a speech to the entire country which convinced us he was drunk. He probably didn’t do enough by quoting Disney during his filibuster, comparing congress to the WWF, citing the Little Engine that Can’t in his speeches or asserting that “The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare”. 

Things the American public knows more about than the Debt Ceiling (Thanks, mainstream media)

 

Cat videos

Twerking

My god the cat videos

Syria. Because even lim->0 is arguably greater than zero

Breaking Bad I mean did you see the finale it was such a satisfying resolution to a six year emotional journey we took with characters who spoke to us about the decaying middle class American dream and the meaninglessness of the choices in our lives and told us that deep down we are all monsters 

Guns

More cat videos

Nonperturbative quantum chromodynamics, because at this point even quantum mechanics makes more sense than our government

Pictures of food

Arguments on tumblr

SPORTS

Cat Twerking Videos

Senate Counter Proposal Defunds John Boehner’s Stupid Face

Fed up with Republican brinkmanship threatening a shutdown of the federal government, the higher chamber of Congress approved an aggressive budget to counter the House version that would not fund Obamacare. 

The Senate version leaves Obamacare intact but instead defunds the face of Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio). Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) was smug as he announced the passage of the budget to the press.

 “Americans have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to be forced to view the face of Mr. Boehner,” Reid said, intentionally mispronouncing the Speaker of the House’s last name as ‘boner.’ The budget comes in response to the budget passed by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, which would completely defund Obamacare. 

That budget, which had no chance of passing the Democrat-controlled Senate, came mere days before the Senate and House needed to agree on a budget or face a crippling shutdown of the federal government. “Americans need strong leadership in congress, but instead they have John Boehner’s stupid face,” Reid explained as the justification of the measure. 

“Repeated attempts to repeal his face have failed, so we are trying a different tactic.” As Republicans offered a different measure that would delay Obamacare by a year rather than defunding it, Reid offered a counter proposal to delay Boehner’s stupid face for a year.

House Republicans Strive to Ensure Health of Nation

In what is in no way a disgusting attempt to force a radical agenda through Congress by holding the world economy hostage, House Republicans imposed a new series of demands on Sunday to stave off a default on the nation’s debt. The programme, which House Republicans agreed was the only sensible alternative to a default that would plunge the struggling economy into a new depression and catastrophically impact the national and world economy, included a one-year delay of the healthcare law, a massive tax overhaul, a broad reduction of environmental regulations, and a demand for a constitutional amendment to legally classify President Obama as a “mean socialist Kenyan who is basically just like Stalin”.

In a press conference on Sunday, House Speaker John Boehner addressed concerns about this very good idea that will not backfire in any way imaginable, that does not represent the basest of political points scoring triumphing over the welfare of the nation, and does not represent total Republican inflexibility over the very idea of a Democratic president. “Fundamentally, we intend to ensure the health and prosperity of the nation. The Democrats aren’t allowing us to push through every single point of our agenda and demand that we compromise, so the only other way we can see to secure the nation’s future is to threaten the solvency of the nation and push ourselves headlong towards a major economic catastrophe that would devastate the world economy and force us into decades of unprecedented economic depression.”

Rank-and-file conservatives and libertarians, meanwhile, have lambasted House Republicans for what they perceive as compromising. In a forty-hour press conference, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas exhorted Republicans to demand a total government shutdown as a precondition to avoid a total government shutdown. “The government that governs best is that which governs least, as we have seen from our successes in Afghanistan and Iraq and the thriving society of Somalia,” he remarked in the tedious, pointless speech. “A government shutdown is very much the best way we can achieve a society for the betterment of all– well, all that matter, anyway. We need to free the captains of industry from the regulations and taxes that shackle them to concepts like “social responsibility” and “a clean living environment” and such rubbish.”

At press time, President Obama confirmed that he thought destroying the nation’s and the world’s economy was probably a bad idea.

Government Incompetence Renders Zombie Twain Speechless

 

Readme joined a zombified Mark Twain yesterday to discuss current news and politics. The venerable American writer and humorist had finally given up on dying after spending decades tossing and turning in the grave and resurfaced to despair once more over United States politics. Readme pulled up a headstone to join Mr. Twain in a heart to heart over cigars.

Twain was notably despondent through the first two hours of the interview and ignored the starstruck Readme’s questions, which included hard hitters like “Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! How are you?” and “I’m sorry, do you want me to leave? Because I can come back if this isn’t a good time.” Readme was only able to get a rise out of the esteemed writer when they shoved a copy of the paper in Twain’s face. As Readme simultaneously insisted on an autograph and apologized for having nothing better to sign, Twain laughed bitterly at the morning’s headlines. Readme squealed with glee at the noise but maintained the presence of mind to record the writer’s first words since resurrection.

“Congress?” Twain said, referring to the incompetence of the United States government in avoiding self imposed deadlines like sequestrations and most recently, government shutdowns, “Congress? Shmongress.”

The great American satirist then shrugged his shoulders and lit another cigar. “S’all I fuckin’ got,” he muttered before creaking onto his knees and heading toward the nearest town in search of a bar.