Rubio Drops, Receives Spirit Award from RNC

Behind the smile lies a level of despair only attainable by losing your home state to Donald Trump

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In the wake of former GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s suspension of his campaign after his crushing loss in Florida, reports have emerged that the Republican National Convention has given him a spirit award for “his energetic participation in the GOP primary process”.

Despite his onetime status as the Great Cuban Hope of the Republican Party, the candidate who could unite traditional conservatives, Tea Partiers and evangelicals with his compelling life story and optimistic message about America’s future, Rubio came away from the primary only with victories in a few inconsequential conquests and a foot-tall, shoddily made plastic trophy of a man behind a podium.

To discuss what Rubio’s pathetically token result means for his political future, readme has turned to Rubio’s campaign manager Alex Conant:

readme: Senator Rubio was hailed as the most viable candidate the GOP had on offer this election cycle, both in the primaries and in a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton. He ended up winning Minnesota, Puerto Rico, Washington D.C. and a trophy so small that receiving it is honestly way more depressing than getting nothing. What happened?

Conant: What are you talking about? Marco Rubio winning the spirit award is a great achievement! We plan to hold a victory speech tomorrow night.

readme: …This really isn’t something you can hold up as a victory. Your man lost, Alex. He lost bad. He lost bad in his home state to someone who, let’s be frank, has no business winning any political contest whatsoever. You cannot have a victory speech about getting the spirit award.

Conant: See, now you’re just underestimating us. We held a victory rally after Rubio came in third in Iowa. We held a victory rally after he came in second in South Carolina. We didn’t hold a victory rally after he came in fifth in New Hampshire, but that’s just because our victory rally manager was out with the flu. Senator Rubio actually won something this time; if that doesn’t merit an unreasonably self-confident speech, I don’t know what does.

readme: Winning an election. That’s what does.

Conant: Look at all the endorsements we got from establishment politicians! Look at our several-hundred-person rallies! Look at the beautiful trophy that the RNC saw fit to award us! Surely, the Rubio campaign was nothing if not an unmitigated success.

readme: You poor, poor delusional bastard. Thank you for your time.

At press time, there’s pretty much no chance that Rubio wasn’t already gearing up to run again in 2020.

Ghost of Ronald Reagan 12th in GOP Primary Polls

Reagan prepping for his next debate in the 2016 campaign

Reagan prepping for his next debate in the 2016 campaign

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In an unexpected development in the 2016 Republican primary race, the ghost of former President and current GOP object of worship Ronald Reagan has fallen to 12th in the polls, just behind irrelevant one-term senator Rick Santorum and equally irrelevant Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Polling at just four-tenths of a percent of likely Republican primary voters, the ghost of Reagan has fallen far short of expectations since entering the race in early June. Moreover, his fundraising efforts have been lackluster to say the least; in contrast to the tens of millions of dollars raised by more successful candidates, Reagan’s ghost has raised a paltry $1.5M, and his complete lack of any affiliated Super PACs has put him even further behind. Despite pretty much every Republican holding Reagan as one of the greatest Presidents, nay, men ever to walk upon this sinful Earth, he has somehow completely failed to gain traction. To explain this dichotomy, readme turned to longtime Republican strategist Joseph Plumber:

readme: Ronald Reagan is the most popular politician among Republicans in modern political history. How is it possible that he has so little support?

Plumber: Well, here’s his problem: It’s not Reagan himself that’s popular, it’s the idea of Reagan. Modern conservatives look back on his time in office as a period when conservatism’s star was ascendant, when they had a powerful ally in the White House who restored America to greatness after the malaise of the late 70s. What they forgot were his actual policies, which they’re now seeing again in the flesh (well, so to speak) in the candidacy of his ghost.

readme: What specifically are they objecting to? He seems pretty solidly conservative to me. In fact, his conservatism is the only thing about him that’s solid.

Plumber: Reagan’s ghost holds several positions that are anathema to today’s Republican party: compromise with Democrats as a solution to partisan gridlock, higher taxes when it makes economic sense, and most damningly of all a surprisingly lenient policy on undocumented immigrants. He even refuses to assert that America’s increased diversity and secularism has led to its decline, instead going on about this weird “Morning in America” thing.

readme: Is there any hope for Reagan’s ghost’s candidacy?

Plumber: Well, if he quickly and publicly veered hard to the right on taxes and immigration, maybe said something controversial about Mexicans or women or, even better, Mexican women, he just might be able to capture some media attention and gain a few percent in the polls. If he followed that up with a good performance in the third debate, who knows? He could be a frontrunner. But unless he does that, he’s a dead man. Reagan’s ghost is just too moderate for this Republican Party.

readme: Thank you for your time, Mr. Plumber, and make sure to say hi to Reagan’s ghost for me next time you’re near a Ouija Board.

At press time, Reagan’s ghost has dropped an additional tenth of a percent in the polls over a statement he has made claiming President Obama is a Christian who was born in the USA.

Well, It’s About Time

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Fans of the long-running daytime soap ‘Politics’ were no doubt glued to their television last night. In this thrilling episode, ‘Politics’ made the controversial move to bring back to the show Uncle Unlimited Campaign Donations, finally rescued after his gold-plated helicopter crashed on the remote island of Fiscal Oversight in the season premiere.

Of course, what viewers have really been talking about is the long-awaited culmination of the will-they-won’t-they romance between the GOP and the Affordable Care Act, with the GOP proposing a reasonable amendment to the Act’s legislation in a tender scene. The two’s romance has been fraught with challenge since the start. Ever since the Affordable Care Act disappeared under mysterious circumstances and then resurfaced, having changed its name from Romneycare to Obamacare, the GOP had been frosty to its former flame. It insisted that all it wanted to do was prevent the Affordable Care Act from being implemented, but viewers could see the undeniable chemistry between the two.

“They were trying to be subtle about it,” said one fan of the show, “but I mean, hello, it was obvious from day one the GOP just wanted to get in Obamacare’s pages.”

“You could tell the GOP didn’t want to admit it liked Obamacare,” a blogger writes about the pairing. “But it couldn’t deny how useful the plan would be to those uninsured. And I think there was something taboo about the fact that it was a Democratic bill that really drew the GOP in.”

Of course, the episode ended with no official word on the state of the GOP/Obamacare ship (GObamacare, its fans call it), with the GOP insisting that it was only amending Obamacare to help its friend Small Business Owners, and that as soon as Obama is out of the White House the GOP will go back to trying to get Obamacare repealed. But fans aren’t buying it.

“The GOP has to say that,” one remarked. “They’re still too early on in the relationship to admit they love each other. I bet they’re saving that for the season finale.”

Stay Classy, GOP

It is no secret that the GOP has had difficulty in recent years connecting to minority demographics like female and Latino voters. Experts cite a number of reasons for this distance, like difference in policy and the public perception that the GOP has no credible minority candidates. When asked about Michelle Bachman, the entire female gender flinched. “Yeah,” they said, “we like to think that she’s actually a Terminator that’s assumed female form and infiltrated our ‘hu-mon’ politics to destroy us from within. It’s less scary than the thought that she’s serious.” And when Ted Cruz was brought up, Latino voters responded, “No. Just no.”

To rectify this problem, the California Republican party held a convention showcasing panels dedicated to the GOP’s newfound commitment to diversity. Of course, no female-outreach convention would be complete without a healthy dose of misogyny, helpfully provided by a vendor at the event selling buttons that criticized Hillary Clinton for her ‘2 Fat Thighs’ and ‘2 Small Breasts’. Pictures of the buttons soon went viral, presumably because women love being reminded that no matter how successful they become, some douche will always judge them for not being pretty enough. Though most leaped to blame the Republican Party itself, the GOP insists that the buttons were printed by an unaffiliated vendor, who it had removed from the event as soon as they realized that the pictures had leaked online.

But, you know what? They’re totally right. Those buttons weren’t official convention merchandise and, ultimately, we can’t blame the entire Republican Party for the tasteless actions of one vendor. After all, the GOP is an old and experienced party, which knows how to cater to the desires of its constituents with decorum and tact. That’s why the keynote for the California GOP convention was delivered by the most pro-California politician they could find, that being Texas governor Rick Perry, who spent all of February running ads on about how much California sucked and bragged about the tens of thousands of jobs he’d stolen from the state. Wait.

Aside from those minor snafus, though, the convention was a huge success, raising massive amounts of awareness for the party’s efforts to be more inclusive of women and racial minorities, as evidenced by the media attention it received in….um……no news outlets whatsoever. Huh. You know what? Maybe the GOP should have taken credit for the buttons, after all. At least those were getting them coverage.