Google Prey: Autonomous Drone Fleet

google prey

Dylan Vrana, Extralegal Assassination Correspondent

Google has a long history of cool new products, but they may have outdone themselves this week! Last Sunday Sergei Brin, head of Google’s R&D wing, announced the development of Google Prey, a fleet of autonomous hunter-killer drones. The drones, developed secretly as part of one of Google’ “moonshot” technical projects, will be based in the Silicon Valley Googleplex but will range across most of the US, along with Mexico, Western Canada, and some Pacific shipping lanes.

Brin brought a Prey drone with him to demonstrate for the audience. It follows Google’s characteristic minimalist design, painted white with the Google logo on both sides. It also has a smiley face on the tracking nose cone to humanize it.  The autonomous platform carries an array of advanced sensor gear (to be used in Google Maps surveying) and two AGM-114 “Hellfire” anti-tank missiles for “self-defense and brand management.” It also features a low-latency Internet connection, allowing it to respond to new situations in real time. Brin even presented an exciting technical demo in which the drone circled above the crowd, turning to face and marking in an internal database anyone who tweeted in #GooglePrey. It concluded the presentation by dropping a brand-new Android smartphone to the journalist who got the most retweets!

Surprisingly, not all reactions to the drones have been positive.  Stanford University professor Lena Dowell sharply criticized the Prey project. “‘Google Prey’ is terrible branding. They’re drones, they should be doing the hunting.  ‘Google Predator,’ maybe?  ‘Google Sky-Net’?  ‘Google Ultron’?” Several other Stanford professors claimed that the drones were a “human rights disaster on par with Google Plus,” but as of press time they seem to have vanished and my searches turned up no contact information or explanation of where they went.

Brin says the fleet will launch in early December and that he expects “No significant obstacles” to their deployment.

Parenting Fad “Walligraphy” Sweeps the Nation

”Lucy, when are you going to grow up and do your homework on the wall?”

“Lucy, when are you going to grow up and do your homework on the wall?”

When raising a child, it’s often difficult to know when to say yes and when to say no. Many times, it may seem impossible to do the right thing. We all want our kids to enjoy their childhood, but we also worry about their future. For those of you out there who can’t seem to catch a break, worry no more. The next time you see your kid start scribbling on the wall — don’t stop them. If you can do this, congrats! Your child will automatically be added to the waitlist for colleges like CMU!

“Walligraphy”, as the practice is called, is the parenting style sweeping the nation. Most parents who partake in the unconventional and controversial learning method are attempting to mimic the environment found at respectable institutions like CMU and Google. Related parenting techniques include never making your kid take off their pajamas, setting bedtime at 3 in the morning, encouraging procrastination, and providing free food and swag to entice other children to come to events.

One happy parent says: “Oh! My kids don’t use paper anymore. Instead, I let them do their work on chunks of drywall coated in whiteboard paint. Older parents question my methods sometimes, but honestly, I don’t even care. They can get their kids to use prehistoric chalk however long they want. Erasable markers are a product of the future.”

Their kid says: “My room has a filter ever since I overdosed on marker fumes.”

Report: Google and Apple Not Very Good at Wage Fixing

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This is old news though it might surprise any number of people including those running major news publications across the country. Google and Apple (and allegedly several other big-name companies like Adobe, Ebay, Pixar, Intel, Intuit and Microsoft) artificially kept the wages of somewhere around a hundred thousand of their workers lower by agreeing to an under-the-table, unofficial no-hire arrangement wherein they would not seek to hire each others’ employees.This meant that the employees were not as competitive and could not get a better deal at a different company of the same stature.

All this information is available at readme’s fingertips, leading it to wonder if this all is some bizarre act of reverse psychology. The specific agreement in question between Apple and Google took place back in early 2005 and has since been largely ignored by consumers and corporations alike until recently when news of the lawsuit actually finally happening (wow) came to light.

The evidence of this reverse psychology goes deeper as the picture painted by the ever-increasing number of facts grows and that picture paints Steve Jobs wearing a pair of darkly colored goggles, a teardrop tattoo under one eye in black ink and sporting a Hitler-esque mustache.

Jobs was allegedly the center of the plot to enforce the no-hire rule. He strong-armed Adobe into joining the deal, responding to Adobe’s hiring some of his lower-level employees, “OK, I’ll tell our recruiters they are free to approach any Adobe employee who is not a Sr. Director or VP. Am I understanding your position correctly?” all whilst twiddling with his mustache and tying inDesign to a railroad track.

Really this should not have come as a surprise to anyone. I mean his name is Jobs. Steve Jobs. Like the supervillain “Steal Jobs”? Come one guys. This guy was worse at hiding it than Superman with his tiny glasses.

And this leads readme back to the reverse psychology thing. Google knew that it would be implicitly guilty for the crimes, even though Steal Jobs seems to be the instigator. Maybe it thinks that by remaining honest and allowing this information on its servers it would maintain some trust with its users, and be painted as the underdog startup it would still kind of like to be.

All the ruckus leaves readme to contemplate how the (old) scandal will affect Carnegie Mellon in the coming weeks and years. How will the companies know who’s been hired by who? How will we all get hired if Google thinks Apple owns our asses?

List: Things googled during readme offices

Seductive Bears

Phallic bears

Phallic names

Purple dildo

Guy in riot gear

Sad Leonardo DiCaprio

Drugs

“what is an ukraine”

Feminist Porn Star

Prison basketball

Obama

Random things to fill out lists

Emo hair

Bill Nye’s back

That one picture of rick perry and the corndog

Fred Phelps nude

The Onion writer’s manual

Creepy Andrew Carnegie

Flooded basements

Sad man

NSA red flag words

Vending machine disguise Japan

Pregnant woman host

Obama

Euphemisms for newspaper

Sad puppy commercials