Florida Man Does [Outrageous Action]

Fill in the blurry object Florida man proffers!

Fill in the blurry object Florida man proffers!

Dylan Vrana, Mad Libs Correspondent

Last Wednesday in Broward County, Florida, the police were called to the trailer of local man Nathan Lee-Davis. After his neighbors complained about his [untrained exotic pet], Davis became agitated and violent, and, while wearing only [article of women’s clothing], attacked them with an [unlikely bladed weapon].

Davis drove the two back to their trailer, where they held him at bay with their pet [large, aggressive breed of dog] and a [Nazi-made pistol] from their collection long enough to call the police.

When the police arrived, Davis claimed to be the reincarnation of [ancient Egyptian god] and rushed at the cops armed only with [food item]. He was easily subdued and arrested. Drug tests reveal that he had meth, [dangerous street drug], and [prescription painkiller] in his system at the time. A search of his house revealed piles of poached [endangered animal] skins and katanas.

Davis has since claimed that the arrest infringed on his natural rights. He is suing the county for [big number] dollars.

Florida Man Strikes Again

Florida man, 69-year-old John Benedict was discovered impersonating a police officer after he pulled over two real detectives earlier this week. As it turns out, you should try to avoid the people you’re impersonating if you don’t want to get caught.

An interview with the Benedict’s sister, a Ms. Margaret Cumberbatch, proved useful—it turns out that Benedict as a child had possessed the common superpower of closing one’s eyes to disappear. Young Benedict had attempted many a cookie theft with this ability, failing only due to his inability to see with his eyes closed.

“Our mother always enabled him,” Cumberbatch let on. readme was perplexed. Perhaps she meant their mother tried to enable the theft? “No,” she said, strangely frustrated. “She played along and pretended she couldn’t see him.” readme quickly ended the interview.

Benedict had previously helped out local police by directing traffic during crashes. readme salutes his dedicated service. Florida Man is the hero Florida deserves but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he’s not a hero, he’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight. Florida police are looking into the possibility that Benedict had an accomplice in his impersonation. Eyewitness accounts describe the potential accomplice as a dapper ursine individual, who was surprisingly sexy and who the Tartan should totally hook up with. Their words. Not readme’s.

In unrelated news, readme editors have had to cancel their Carnival plans.

readme CLASSIFIED ADS

FOR SALE

2 Police Uniforms 2 Police Costumes

Sizes: Adult Medium and Bear Large

Never been worn, especially not to impersonate the police.

Contact: 412-555-RATS

Oklahoma Trying to be Florida

In mid-February a group of Oklahoma legislators, led by state representative Dan Fisher, proposed a bill that would completely retool the current AP U.S. History curriculum, a bill that has sparked some controversy due to the fact that its chief goal seems to be making history classes more “patriotic.”

 

Their problem is that the current curriculum puts less emphasis on America’s “founding principles,” choosing instead to focus on “the lives of marginalized people” throughout American history. Now, before you think this bill is just an attempt by rich, educated, white men to paint American history as something created entirely through the contributions of rich, educated, white men, you should note that it’s not the focus on minorities with which these lawmakers have a problem. It’s that the focus on minorities reminds us that America is such a piece of shit sometimes.

 

See, spending so much time on “robust analyses” of the “gender and racial oppression and class ethnicity” that occur so often throughout American history leads students to somehow interpret America as “a nation of oppressors and exploiters” instead of the democracy-bringing, WWII-winning Amurrican heroes we know ourselves to be. If only our curriculum instead focused on unoppressed white men, we could ignore all those signs that America is not a perfect paragon of morality and instead pat ourselves on the back for being so progressive that we only kept slavery legal for ninety years.

 

But, alas, the AP curriculum does no such thing. For instance, it calls manifest destiny a racist idea of American cultural superiority used to justify American seizure of native lands, which according to Fisher is completely off base. As he explains, manifest destiny was merely “the American mission to spread democracy and technology across the continent.” See, manifest destiny wasn’t a bunch of Americans thinking that they were so amazing that it was okay for them to kill people and steal their land, they actually were just that amazing, and Fisher is in no way falling to that same self-superior thought process which led to this aforementioned theft and genocide!

 

Some might argue that the existence of arguments like this is exactly why the current curriculum is necessary. But those people are entirely off base, say proponents of this curriculum reform bill. The truth is that American pride today is already under attack (from what, nobody’s specified. The media, maybe? Evolution? You just know Obama’s got to be involved somehow), and this disproportionate emphasis on all the bad things America’s done distracts us from the real issue.

 

12.5 million were sold into slavery in the Americas between 1500 and 1866. Estimates vary for the number of natives killed in the pursuit of manifest destiny, but most agree it too numbered in the millions. Nearly half of all homeless in America today are black (when only about one-sixth of the total population is) and Native Americans are similarly overrepresented. So given all that, Mr. Fisher, exactly what amount of focus would you say is historically ‘proportionate’?

FLORIDA. STOP IT.

So you know that joke people tell each other, where somebody’s doing something vaguely annoying and you say that if you were to kill them for it ‘no jury would convict you’? Turns out, they won’t. Not if you’re in Florida and can claim self-defense, at least.
Florida resident Michael Dunn was at a gas station one night when he was started an argument with four teenagers over how loudly they were allowed to blast their car’s stereo. And, hey, we’ve all been there. Where significantly fewer of us have been is the part where Dunn fired upon the SUV ten times, killing one teen, Jordan Davis, and endangering the rest. Dunn later claimed self-defense, saying Davis had threatened him with a shotgun that his friends had disposed of before the police began their investigation. readme sure as hell couldn’t see any parallels between this and any other murder cases that happened in the last year or so, especially once it found out that Davis and all his friends were young black males who had been listening to rap music when the shooting occurred.
Perhaps because of these parallels which in no way exist between this shooting and that other one, the prosecution was skeptical of Dunn’s self-defense claim. The police turned up no evidence of this alleged shotgun, they said, and Dunn’s behavior after the shooting was suspiciously nonchalant given the circumstances. What’s more, Dunn’s own fiancée testified that he had never mentioned being threatened by Davis before shooting him. Because there’s absolutely no reason you’d want to inform your soon-to-be wife that the time you killed that one kid was actually self-defense and not murder. He was acting—to use the legal term—‘shifty as all hell’.
The good news is that while Dunn was not actually convicted of murder, he was convicted on three counts of attempted murder with a minimum sixty-year sentence, and the jury did not acquit him of the murder either, so it is possible a subsequent jury will convict him of that, as well. But while a story about a dude in Florida being punished for killing an unarmed teenager is far more preferable than a story about a dude in Florida getting off scot free for killing an unarmed teenager, readme can’t help but think things would be way better off if dudes in Florida just stopped killing unarmed teenagers. Sure, it means the Florida media will no longer have any interesting news to cover, but readme thinks a few week-long editorials about how to cope with the humidity is worth not having to live in a constant state of lawless anarchy, don’t you agree?