Scobell Secedes to Avoid Exams

Scobell House 2

Spencer Early, Scobell Correspondent

Prompted by the threat of impending final exams, Scobell third floor resident Michael Yu began to wring his hands in desperation. He considered talking to his RA, TA, professors, and even studying. However, the stakes were too high. Gripped with fear, Yu went to housefellow Thomas Rainey for advice.

“I just don’t understand why we have to take these exams,” Michael lamented. “…balh examns succk.”

“How about we have a secret meeting, and end exams, once and for all!” said Rainey.

So Michael and Thomas Rainey set out to Pitt seeking to evade prying eyes of CMU administration and news reporters, and entered the safety of a soundproof room in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning behind locked doors.

“You know Michael, I’ve always wanted Scobell to break off and become its own kingdom. We sit high upon The Hill and have plenty of expendable young lives to defend it.”

“I’m in! As long as we abolish finals,” Michael responded.

Michael has since begun writing the national anthem for Scobell (which he certainly did not steal from Scotland): “Land of my high endeavor, land of the leaky downspout, land of my heart forever, Scobell the brave.”

Michael was last seen barricaded in the basement, humming the anthem to himself.

Trolls on the Move, Causing Misery

Spencer Early, Troll-Master

With the recent scare of explosive suitcases and construction zones, the Trolls of Oakland have no choice but to move to a safer place. At least, that is what the Oakland Troll Administration says. However, we suspect that the Trolls of Oakland have a much darker motive for their migration. The goal of trolls is to spread misery to all.

In Schenley Park lies a village of Trolls called Trolldale. It is a known fact that CMU final exams are written by the trolls of Trolldale. With exams right around the corner, all of Trolldale has been celebrating the misery caused by the forthcoming finals. The Trolls of Oakland, who write the final exams for Pitt, are enraged to have been once again outdone by Trolldale in making miserable exams. Therefore, the Trolls of Oakland are invading Schenley Park to wage war against Trolldale.

“Baahhr!” roared Grusmithr (meaning “Big Bad Troll” in Trollese), the Oakland Troll from atop the Litchfield Towers. Swinging his club to monger fear in all who could see, Grusmithr leapt from his perch and charged south, leaving trees splintered and parking garages crumbled in his wake of destruction. In a fit of rage, Grusmithr ran to Schenley Park so he could attack the celebrating trolls of Trolldale.

“Ooohh, arrh, I’ve lived under this bridge since 1918”, protested Kluthol of Schenley Park. “‘Ow dare you come to get us!”

“It’s just not fair that you get all the credit for makin’ CMU students miserable wit’ your exams, when they’re already miserable to begin with! Yer no true troll, you!”

“How dare you! We’ll show you! This year’s finals will be the most miserable yet you filthy scumbag, you just see!”

So if your finals happen to be particularly bad, you can blame the trolls.

CMU Prepares for Cocoa Shortage, Finals

Somewhere inside Wean...

Somewhere inside Wean…

We at readme know that finals are coming up and that you may already be in a fragile state. Unfortunately, we have some more bad news. Brace yourselves.

 

Mars Inc. and Barry Callebaut, two of the world’s largest chocolatiers (yes, that’s a real word. readme now knows what it wants to be when it grows up), issued a frightening report last month: We are consuming far more chocolate than is being produced. 70,000 metric tons more, to be precise. And the deficit is only rising, as analysts predict a shortage of 1 million metric tons by 2020.

 

readme reached out to students on-campus to see what they thought of the oncoming lack of chocolate. “OMG, that’s terrible! That’s, like, the second-worst thing that could ever happen!” What could be the first? readme wondered, but the student had already made off, talking to his friend about how having a final on the last day possible was the worst thing that could happen. “Now I have to wait a whole extra week to get out of Pittsburgh!” Another student was already thinking ahead: “What am I supposed to drown my post-final sorrows in, if not an Ultimate Brownie from the Underground or a chocolate shake from Skibo?”

 

However, during one of our interviews, readme was overheard by a dining services representative. He quickly hushed readme, and then glanced quickly in both directions to ascertain that the coast was clear. We were then blindfolded, spun in a circle three times, and led through a maze of passages and down several staircases. readme guessed the final destination was somewhere deep within the bowels of the Wean-Doherty complex. When our blindfold was removed, we saw something wonderful.

 

Mountains upon mountains of chocolates were stockpiled in all their glorious wonder. From concrete wall to concrete wall, chocolates of all varieties made their home. readme spotted a few giant chocolate bunnies in the back. “We’ve known about the shortage for some time now,” the Dining Services representative confided. “Most of our resources have been put towards ensuring that we’ll have enough to last for the foreseeable future. The emphasis that President Suresh is putting on fundraising? It’s so we can get more chocolate before it’s all gone.”

 

Seeing that the conspiracy goes deep, readme decided to dig a little deeper. What it found was shocking: Stopping climate change is all in order to save the cacao trees. The mainstream climate scientists actually are misrepresenting their goals, which means that climate change skeptics are right about at least one thing. “We want to cut back on fossil fuels, not because we care about the environment, but because we care about our chocolate. The droughts in West Africa are devastating the cacao crop, and we think climate change could be a possible factor,” an internal memo of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reads. The heading was also slightly different: IPCC stood for “Intergovernmental Panel on Chocolate Creation.”


In short, actions are being taken to prevent chocolate from going the way of the dodo. And, hey, there’s always white chocolate, right? No, wait, I was joking, now please put that flamingo down and don’t shove it where you were thinking of shoving it.

We Basically Just Want Finals Week to be Over

While finals week draws closer and closer, few students, other than the seniors, know that those grueling exams used to spread throughout one and a half weeks. It was only until recently that the University Registrar decided to cram (hah see what readme did there?) all the exams into one week by arranging some on Sunday. readme has learned that the Student Government has proposed a new finals week schedule that will dramatically reduce the number of days exams take. “The new schedule allows everyone to finish all of their exams in two days.” said Mr. Iwant A. Holiday, the president of the Student Government. “Given that most students only have less than six classes every semester, we think it’s possible to fit all the exams in two days while keeping each exam three hours long. The only downside of that is that you will die from anxiety, sleep deprivation and caffeine overdose. But we think it’s OK. I mean our hearts are already given to the work anyway,” said Mr. Holiday. Of course, this kind of radical change to the academic calendar is very concerning to readme. When asked how to avoid class conflicts, Mr. Holiday responded: “In order to make it work, we propose that instead of going to a different classroom for each class that has a final exam, students will stay at one location for two days. At each exam period, students will receive an exam packet from one of their classes. In other words, in the same classroom there will be students from different classes taking different exams at the same time. It’s kind of similar to the SAT, but way crazier. We also plan to distribute sleeping bags so that students don’t have to leave their desks during finals week. “

Another change that the Student Government proposes is to move finals week to before Thanksgiving break. “We feel that it’s bad to have only one week of classes between Thanksgiving break and finals week. A lot of students didn’t go home for Thanksgiving because it’s not worth it to travel twice in such short period of time. So we were thinking instead we’d just let people finish their last two weeks of classes while taking their finals. At this point, we might as well, and that way students can truly relax at home for Thanksgiving and feed themselves to their hearts content without worrying about being judged,” said Mr. Holiday. The proposal will be discussed in the upcoming town hall meeting and voted on next year. The administration has assured readme it will actually read the proposal instead of throwing it straight in the shredder this time.

Better Names for ‘Midterms’

  • Mid-months
  • Mid-weeks
  • Mid-some-indeterminate-amount-of-time-that-is-certainly-not-a-full-term
  • Wednesdays
  • Also Tuesdays
  • And you know what, sometimes Thursdays
  • Regular tests
  • Almost-third-terms
  • Five-seventeenth-terms
  • Point-two-nine-four-one-terms
  • Finals Jr.
  • The death of your free time
  • Impending caffeine addiction
  • Impending caffeine relapse
  • Time to befriend the smart kid
  • The reason you fill out that drop form
  • The reason you fill out that tranfser app
  • One-third of your grade
  • ‘Fuck, I have to wake up today’
  • ‘Wait, I’m doing WHAT today?!?!’

The 12 Days of Finals

On the First day of finals my college gave to me

A week left until we’re free

 

On the Second day of finals my college gave to me

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Third day of finals my college gave to me

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Fourth day of finals my college gave to me

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Fifth day of finals my college gave to me

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Sixth day of finals my college gave to me

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Seventh day of finals my college gave to me

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

On the Eighth day of finals my college gave to me

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Ninth day of finals my college gave to me

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Tenth day of finals my college gave to me

Ten TAs weeping

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Eleventh day of finals my college gave to me

Eleven bagpipers piping

Ten TAs weeping

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free

 

On the Last day of finals my college gave to me

Twelve million dollars in loans

Eleven bagpipers piping

Ten TAs weeping

Nine Sophomores stalling

Eight coders coding

Seven timers ticking

Six geeks a-praying

Five failing grades

Four hours of sleep

Three Red Bulls

Two Scottie dogs

And a week left until we’re free