What Can Women Do?

The Pentagon recently declared that they are opening up all military position to women. What else can women do in this day and age?

• Run for President

• Vote for President

• Build war machines for troops fighting overseas

• Hold a full-time job outside the home while also raising children

• Lean the fuck in

• That thing where you spin the pencil around the heel of your thumb/palm (damn it’s so cool)

• Play with Legos

• Edit satirical newspapers

• Eat satirical newspapers

• Eat bacon

• Beat the crap out of bad people

• Be Thor

• Not give birth

• Drive war rigs

• Have it all in the Big City

• Call Drake on his cellphone (actually, she used to do that, so…)

• Orgasm

• It

Hillary Clinton’s Grandchild an Unfair Advantage

A media storm erupted last week when Hillary Clinton announced her run for the 2016 presidency by having her daughter conceive a child. After all, it’s not like a thirty-four-year-old woman could possibly make the decision to become pregnant for her own sake. As anyone who’s ever had kids can tell you, the only reason your kids will ever have children of their own is so that you can live vicariously through your grandkids. The press hailed the announcement as a brilliant political maneuver: by cleverly deciding to have her daughter decide to have a baby, Clinton makes herself seem that much more sensitive, warm, and maternal, all qualities we Americans require of our female politicians under pain of social humiliation. Pundits, of course, were quick to point out the double standard at play here.

“[It’s] blatantly sexist on its face,” says one Fox News opinion writer. “I don’t recall anyone lauding the fact that Mitt Romney was a grandfather.” Thank you, Fox News, for always checking America on our inherent misandry problem, the only prejudice we Americans still have to overcome in this modern day (we mean, besides us persecuting Christians and being racist to white people, of course). It’s the twenty-first century; misogyny is dead. It’s not like you women really wanted equal pay, right?

For instance, when some pundits wondered if perhaps the impending Clintonchild might make Clinton a worse politician due to her ovaries releasing grandma-hormones that would override all her knowledge of debate protocol and fiscal policy with how to knit embarrassing sweaters and where to buy the most disgusting brands of sugar-free candy, that wasn’t misogyny, just biology. “All I’m saying is that there are certain differences between men and women, differences which are expressed in the exact same way in every man or woman (because those are the only two genders it is possible to be) and which are completely determined at birth by a series of factors that have no cultural component and thus whose validity we should never question,” wrote one blogger on the subject. “How is that sexist?”

Indeed it is not, good blogger. Even if it were, clearly Clinton is the one benefitting from this sexism. After all, as we’ve established, no one ever praised Mitt Romney for being a grandfather. In fact, no one even commented on it at all. It’s almost as though Americans don’t see a male politician’s grand-spawn as having any sort of effect on how good a president they would be. But, no, it’s probably that misandry thing we just said.

Gay Man Wins Women’s Award for Best at Womanhood

Fletcher Jameson won the Women’s Womanhood Coalition award for Best at Womanhood last week. The sudden win cast the event into a stunned and ecstatic jumble of women. All of them were scrambling for a picture of Jameson kissing his partner.   

 

While the women were busy imagining Jameson and his partner in bed, readme slipped in for an interview with the honorary woman who has been noted by his female companions to be great for Friday night chick-flick marathons since he always knows when to tell them to stop eating the fucking ice cream, you slutty slob. “He’s not mean. He’s just sassy.”

 

“What other men, even other gay men, don’t understand” Jameson told readme “is that womanhood is really very simple.” He beamed, holding the trophy which was oddly oval in shape. “Women really don’t even understand themselves.” He said, playfully slapping the ass of the announcer. “Sexual harassment is okay if you’re gay.” He laughed. “Doesn’t mean anything.”

 

“What women really want” he explained, “is for someone to tell them why no one loves them. I mean, either they’re slutty or they’re fat or they don’t know how to dress. Ain’t no woman who know how to dress better than a gay man” he continued in a voice imitated what seemed to be a particularly constipated black woman. But cultural appropriation is okay when you’re a gay dude.

 

“This thing kinda looks like a disgusting vag, doesn’t it” Jameson said inspecting his newly earned trophy with a disgruntled look on his face. “Kidding! Kidding!” he said holding the trophy a little farther from his body than strictly necessary. “It’s okay for gay guys to say that, see? Because it doesn’t cause the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes or hatred of the female body like when straight men say it.  

 

Jameson left arm in arm with his partner, whispering sweetly into his ear, “I’m so glad I’m with you honey. Can you imagine having to date a woman! I don’t know how straight guys do it!”.

 

J.K. Rowling Writing Fan Fiction Again

Saturday proved to be a flurry of activity for fans everywhere – fans of Harry Potter that is. Not only was it only the day before the Super Bowl (a fact relevant to some HP fans, we’re sure), but it was also the day that J.K. Rowling revealed she was still trying her hand at writing fan fic for the Harry Potter series. The news disturbed many fans, particularly because it also announced that Rowling was trying to ship H/Hr (in layman’s terms, advocating for a Harry and Hermione relationship). 

Since the climactic end of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, and beginning with the epilogue of that book, Rowling has kept busy by writing fan fiction for her own books. From the getgo, avid Harry Potter fans have had mixed reactions to her work as a fan fiction writer. While some lauded her glimpse into the future lives of the original Harry Potter crew, others decried her work as “amateurish” and “totally campy”. Many of the short story’s critics decried its “fairytale” style ending; more specifically, they complained that it was too convenient that everyone in the Harry Potter series seemed to grow up into marrying the spouses of their dreams, having 2.5 children, and setting up their Protego Maximas behind white picket fences. “Besides,” added a fan on a forum of harrypotterfanfiction.com, “she chose some terrible names for all the children.”

 

Even less rabid fans can remember some of the controversy over Rowling’s later works. In 2011, Rowling wrote about the fictional death of Ron Weasley, which drew a sudden and sharp divide between “Ron” and “Dead Ron” camps in the fan base. More infamously, in 2007 Rowling let on that Dumbledore was gay. Fans had assumed at the time that it was her way of teasing an epic about the former headmaster’s love life, since the issue hadn’t been explored in any of the books, but Rowling has yet to make any announcement of the sort. 

But what seemed to upset the fan base the most about her project with Hermione x Harry was a throwback to criticism over the short story “Epilogue”. One fan (and wonderful fan artist) by the handle of “toerning” wrote:

“A lot of it has to do with… her portrayal of “happy couples”: met at school, got married immediately afterwards, and started popping out kids ASAP. Lily and James, Molly and Arthur, and basically the whole next generation. It seemed to me that her focus on this conventional pattern was wish-fulfilling to a distracting point. She was so focused on having everyone do the same family act that she forgot to ask: what would these characters actually DO now? She wrote a lot of exceptional characters, and then sort of threw all their complexities out the window by squeezing them all into the same version of her personal favorite scenario, and that made me feel really betrayed and sad.” 

Which is a good point.

 

Women Have Won the War on Women

On a talk show following President Obama’s State of the Union address, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul addressed a growing problem in the country not addressed by the president. That is to say the problems men are increasingly having in competing with the female counterparts.

“This whole sort of war on women thing, I’m scratching my head because if there was a war on women, I think they won. “ He went on to explain that, “the women in my family are incredibly successful. I have a niece at Cornell vet school, and 85% of the young people there are women. Law school, 60% are women. In med school, 55%. My younger sister is an OB-GYN with six kids and doing great. I don’t see so much that women are downtrodden. I see women rising up and doing great things.”

Well, readme would just like to extend a hand to Rand Paul’s niece and his younger sister. Their successes are exactly what women need to shake them out of their self-pitying stupor. So what if most women only make 77 cents to the man’s dollar? So what if the GOP with Paul at the frontlines is campaigning against health plans that include access to birth control pills and against access to safe abortions? We aren’t so downtrodden. In fact we’re practically doing the trodding! 

“ In fact, I worry about our young men sometimes because I think the women are outcompeting the men in our world…” continued Paul. “The women in my family are doing great. That’s what I see in all the statistics coming out. I have, you know, young women in my office that are the leading intellectual lights of our office. So I don’t really see this, that there’s some sort of war on women that’s, you know, keeping women down. I see women doing great and I think we should extol that success and not dumb it down into a political campaign that somehow one party doesn’t like women or that. I think that’s what’s happened. It’s all been for political purposes.”

I mean no one can argue against the facts. Women are going to college. More women than men. 57% of college students are women (at most colleges, not CMU. Good luck, guys), and the pay gap is shrinking  for millennials so that women in our generation make almost 93% of what the men make. With Cornell graduates like Paul’s niece taking over colleges, women have little to complain about.  

And these statistics apply for all true American women. And by true we mean women with college educations, not the one in three women that live in poverty, the two in three minimum wage workers that are women or black and hispanic women that only make 64 cents to the man’s dollar. 

Women like our classmates at CMU don’t have to worry. Women graduating with an MBA make $250,000 a year. We should remember that the supposed “War on Women” hurts men most of all, struggling to support the cost of birth control pills and the increase of minimum wage on their $400,000 salaried MBAs. We should at least be providing free viagra therapy.

People Die While Women Have Sex

While we may deride the media for focusing on sensationalist details like sex and violence over statement of the facts, recent headlines implying that a woman’s sex life was responsible for the deaths of her two sons, rather than the gross negligence involved in her locking them in an overheating car for an hour and a half, have led scientists to a shocking discovery: people die while women have sex.

“People die at a rate of 1.73 deaths per second worldwide. For each of those seconds, you can expect that some woman is having sex somewhere,” explains Dr. Mansplain, a researcher with a PhD in comparative religion. “Looking at the data, it’s alarming how often we the two occur concurrently.” Mansplain is the head of a group of researchers investigating the surprising correlation between female sexuality and death, as chronicled by the headlines of the most reputable news sites like Fox and the Huffington Post. If their data is to be believed, approximately eighty percent of all deaths worldwide occur within twenty-five miles of a woman.

“It’s horrible,” noted the primary funder of the research, billionaire Thurston Oldmoney. “All this death while women have sex. Their male partners, who are of course blameless, would be appalled to know that their unwilling cooperation in women’s sex is leading to massive amounts of death.” The research team itself, however, has hesitated to say definitively that women having sex is the cause of human mortality. “We have to remember that causation is a complicated thing,” Mansplain reminded reporters, “It’s entirely possible that the knowledge that somewhere someone is dying is what drives women to have sex.”

Regardless, the implications of this research are potentially world-changing. After all, some have asked the research team, if their hypothesis is correct then could not the worldwide death rate be dramatically reduced by men refusing to have sex with women? “Whoa, let’s not get crazy now,” Mansplain said in response. “I mean, you can’t put the blame for this on men. That’s totally unfair.” Likewise, others added, does that mean sex between men does not cause people to die and should thus be encouraged? “What? No,” replied Mansplain. “That causes hurricanes. We’ve been over this, guys. Keep up.”

 

Obama Wants to Turn Marines into Girls with Headwear

As though enslaving America with universal health care was not enough for our Presi-don’t, Barack Obama recently unveiled plans to make the Marine Corp switch to hats that kinda-sorta look a little bit girlier than the last batch, thereby ruining the entire military forever and probably leaving America open to invasion from the Commies or something. Technically, the idea was proposed by the Marine Corps Uniform Board, a committee of Marine officers and NCOs that actually takes no input from Obama whatsoever, but thankfully the American people have never before let facts get in the way of blaming Obama for things. Thanks, Obama!

The proposed headwear is modeled after that of Sergeant Major Daniel Daly, a Marine who served from 1899 to 1929, and has a slightly more slender appearance than the ‘bucket cover’ worn by the Marines for almost a century. The change, however, has been met with waves of criticism from Marines and civilians alike, who say that the old headwear needs no improvement and also this new hat is totally a ‘woman’s hat’. No, seriously. Apparently, ‘skinny’ equals ‘feminine’ now, which readme guesses makes Slenderman the girliest motherfucker around.

“The Marines deserve better,” said one critic of the switch, because apparently making a uniform slightly more feminine is the gravest insult one can give another. Of course, this is not just a matter of personal dignity—the very security of our nation is at stake. Sure, our Marines are well-trained operatives who are expected to meet strict standards for physical fitness and skill, but how will that help when they wear hats that make them look girly? Science fact: combat prowess is derived solely from how manly your outfit is. Because of gluons. We here at readme are sure that Sergeant Major Daly, a two-time Medal of Honor recipient who fought during the Boxer Rebellion and in Haiti at the turn of the century never in his entire life did anything that could be called badass.

In response to this the uproar, the Marine Corps press office released a statement saying, “Holy shit, guys, calm the fuck down. You can keep your goddamn bucket hats.” Female Marines will still be allowed to wear the Daly hat, though. For some reason, nobody seems worried that these Marines will be emasculated by the hats. Damn, it’s almost like women can be feminine and badass, or something.

Stay Classy, GOP

It is no secret that the GOP has had difficulty in recent years connecting to minority demographics like female and Latino voters. Experts cite a number of reasons for this distance, like difference in policy and the public perception that the GOP has no credible minority candidates. When asked about Michelle Bachman, the entire female gender flinched. “Yeah,” they said, “we like to think that she’s actually a Terminator that’s assumed female form and infiltrated our ‘hu-mon’ politics to destroy us from within. It’s less scary than the thought that she’s serious.” And when Ted Cruz was brought up, Latino voters responded, “No. Just no.”

To rectify this problem, the California Republican party held a convention showcasing panels dedicated to the GOP’s newfound commitment to diversity. Of course, no female-outreach convention would be complete without a healthy dose of misogyny, helpfully provided by a vendor at the event selling buttons that criticized Hillary Clinton for her ‘2 Fat Thighs’ and ‘2 Small Breasts’. Pictures of the buttons soon went viral, presumably because women love being reminded that no matter how successful they become, some douche will always judge them for not being pretty enough. Though most leaped to blame the Republican Party itself, the GOP insists that the buttons were printed by an unaffiliated vendor, who it had removed from the event as soon as they realized that the pictures had leaked online.

But, you know what? They’re totally right. Those buttons weren’t official convention merchandise and, ultimately, we can’t blame the entire Republican Party for the tasteless actions of one vendor. After all, the GOP is an old and experienced party, which knows how to cater to the desires of its constituents with decorum and tact. That’s why the keynote for the California GOP convention was delivered by the most pro-California politician they could find, that being Texas governor Rick Perry, who spent all of February running ads on about how much California sucked and bragged about the tens of thousands of jobs he’d stolen from the state. Wait.

Aside from those minor snafus, though, the convention was a huge success, raising massive amounts of awareness for the party’s efforts to be more inclusive of women and racial minorities, as evidenced by the media attention it received in….um……no news outlets whatsoever. Huh. You know what? Maybe the GOP should have taken credit for the buttons, after all. At least those were getting them coverage.