Elections Are Coming

Who Will Sit on the Throne of readme?

Ah, election season. The smell of campaign promises in the breeze, the sound of chirpings made up of vague proclamations of broad values, the sun shining on the smiling faces of career politicians who will do anything they can to separate themselves from the crowd.

 

“But it’s not even 2016 yet,” I’ve heard people complain. “The presidential election is still so far off.” When you’re talking about the most powerful position in the world, the leader of the free press, the commander in chief of a small staff of writers, who cares about the presidential elections? I meant readme’s elections.

 

The chosen few of the electoral college, namely, those active readme members we could entice with candy, gathered last Friday to vote on their leadership for next year. After long deliberations, we entered our ballots, and the count showed that Hillary Clinton won with 98% of the vote. The remaining 2% were for Elizabeth Warren, who wasn’t even running. After trying again, the results remained the same, only the 2% switched to Bernie Sanders, who’s almost as good as Warren. I guess Clinton 2016 is just inevitable.

 

Despite rummaging around the back room of the AB office, we still couldn’t find the bylaws for readme elections. So we called up Clinton, and asked her to be Editor-in-Chef. However, the person on the other end of the line wasn’t very astute, and just kept asking us to “press 1 to make a donation to the Clinton dynasty, er, campaign.” We took that to mean that Clinton declined the offer to helm readme in the upcoming year.

 

The next tally of the votes turned up a bunch of arrowheads. We explained to readme members that A Song of Fire and Ice is a fictional story, and more importantly, that they should be more careful about what they reveal, as they could spoil it for Game of Thrones, the TV show. Although the tables might be turned in the upcoming season. Don’t tell me, I haven’t watched any of Season 5 yet.

 

Finally, we ended up with a current, present, non-graduating member of readme as the Editor-in-Chef for next year. This fine author, namely, yours truly, Thatcher Montgomery, will be whipping up some delicious satire sandwiches for your enjoyment. After much urging, two henchmen stepped up to help my takeover of Carnegie Mell—I mean, to help my production of readme. Rin Fair will be filling the new position of Word Warlock, and will hopefully help keep our issues error-free, which apparently is preferable to error-filled, and Rachel Karp will be our Finance Mage, and magic us up some money so we can continue printing.

 

We look forward to continuing our core mission of brainwashi—of serving students with omelettes made from free-range facts, whipped just enough to inject some silliness. Enjoy this penultimate issue and our final, finals week, swimsuit issue, and consider joining us next year.

Interview with Saif Jedidi #CorruptionisaProcess

Saif Jedidi, candidate for Carnegie Mellon student body president, gave readme an exclusive interview this weekend. Although you are probably reading this after elections have concluded, it offers valuable insights into the campaign and how to live under Jedidi, long may he reign (we have to say that in case he wins). Learn about why he runs, what he hopes to get out of it, and more, below.

 

emdaer: What inspired you to run for student government?

 

Saif Jedidi: My biggest inspiration has always been little sea turtle babies. They hatch out of their cute little eggs, and right from the beginning of their lives they have to get to the ocean. Just as there is no room for excuses for those little turtles, so too is there no room for excuses in my life.

 

ed: Can you explain your motto, “Corruption is a process,” in a little more detail?

 

SJ: So glad you asked! Its not really a motto, its more of a hashtag. It’s fine that you messed up in that question, just don’t ever let it happen again.

 

#CorruptionisaProcess is just trying to say that corruption isn’t an event. It’s not a person. Corruption isn’t an animal, or a plant, or a rock formation. It’s not a disease, or a flat head screwdriver, or even a Philips head screwdriver.

 

Honestly,  it is a very simple four word sentence, and I am so sick of explaining it on the campaign trail that I can’t even type it out again. Interpret it however you want.

 

ed: What problems (if any) have you faced in your campaign? Has running for student government gone as you expected?

 

SJ: Our biggest issue has been silencing people aware of my shady and violent past. We haven’t had any issues with funneling money to offshore accounts this year, which is a pleasant surprise. Subra Suresh was also hesitant to give me the launch codes to the nuclear football, but overall things have run pretty smoothly. Overall, things have pretty much gone just as my psychic predicted.

 

ed: How would you respond to the claims that your campaign is not entirely serious?

 

SJ: Claims by who? Specifically where do these people live/sleep? Are their guards, security systems, live animals, or dreamcatchers?

 

ed: Are you raising awareness of any larger issues, beyond your three major goals?

 

SJ: Honestly, I think the biggest thing I was raising awareness about was the election itself. Voter participation is pretty low at CMU, and I think I did a good job at getting the average student more involved in the democratic process.

 

ed: What sort of student are you trying to reach out to with your campaign? Who do you expect to vote for you?

 

SJ: I think there is something for everyone in my campaign, but I understand if not all voters feel the same way. I want to earn every CMU student’s vote. As we say in my campaign headquarters “you may not matter, but your vote does.”

People Who Won’t be Running for President in 2016

Last week, Mitt Romney publicly declared his intention not to run for president in 2016. The media was in shock over this revelation, which leads readme to worry about the potential future health of the mainstream media.

Look, media, not to freak you out or anything, but…a lot of people won’t be running for president in 2016. We don’t want to go through this every time somebody declares their un-bid for presidency, so how’s about we save you the trouble and give you a nice list of the people who won’t be running for president in 2016.

• Bill Clinton

• Barack Obama, because he doesn’t have to

• Subra Suresh

• Andrew Carnegie

• Captain America

• Your mom! (unless you happen to be Chelsea Clinton, in which case, yeah, she’s probably running)

• Any former readme editor

• Any current readme editor

• Morgan Freeman, even though we’d totally vote for him anyways

• Stephen Colbert

• Arnold Schwarzenegger

• The Pope

• The Ex-Pope

• That guy who played the president in 24. You know, the All-State dude.

• Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. Because she doesn’t have to.

New Jersey Under Quarantine after Vaccine Statement

We've been looking for an excuse to use this photo.

We’ve been looking for an excuse to use this photo.

Chris Christie, in response to the measles outbreak and in his infinite wisdom, mentioned that “parents need to have some measure of choice” when it comes to vaccinating their children. Immediately after the New Jersey governor’s statement made the news, Delaware, Pennsylvania, and New York (the three adjacent states) declared that they were putting the state of New Jersey under quarantine.

 

Various reasons were given for the quarantine. One anonymous official from New York said that “Christie taught us that it was perfectly fine to close down traffic whenever we want, so putting up blockades and calling in the national guard to man them is just the natural progression.” readme asked who was calling the shots on the quarantine, but the official backed off. “Whoah, if anyone wants to know that, we’re all supposed to point fingers at the secretary.”

 

Pennsylvania pointed out the quarantines in the name of public safety were totally okay. They said that their reasoning was also borrowed from Christie, from the time when he quarantined a woman who didn’t-actually-but-the-public-might-have-thought-she-did have ebola. On this occasion, Christie explicitly stated that his “first responsibility is to protect the public health and safety of the people of New Jersey.” Preventing against a very small chance of ebola falls under this category, but apparently stopping diphtheria, the flu, chickenpox, hepatitis, HPV, measles, whooping cough, mumps, rubella, polio, tetanus, etc (which is what vaccines do) doesn’t count as protecting the public health.

 

readme’s visit to the Delaware-New Jersey border was quite eventful. On the Delaware River, the dividing line between the two states, we found an island with Fort Delaware, a Civil War era military base. Normally home to historical reenactments, the fort was filled with volunteer actors who had taken to their new role as quarantine enforcers like CMU students take to caffeine addiction. One retired man gleefully jumped in the air, shouting “I haven’t had this much fun in years!” after he fired an actual cannonball towards the Jersey shore.

 

We’re sure Chris Christie has a really good reason for wanting to let parents endanger entire communities, if they so choose. Personal freedom is an American ideal, after all. However, his reasons might have more to do with his position as a possible contender for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, and the fact that Obama (the anti-Christ) said that vaccines should be mandatory. But that would be indecent to suggest, and readme is above such petty speculations.