Rubio Drops, Receives Spirit Award from RNC

Behind the smile lies a level of despair only attainable by losing your home state to Donald Trump

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In the wake of former GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s suspension of his campaign after his crushing loss in Florida, reports have emerged that the Republican National Convention has given him a spirit award for “his energetic participation in the GOP primary process”.

Despite his onetime status as the Great Cuban Hope of the Republican Party, the candidate who could unite traditional conservatives, Tea Partiers and evangelicals with his compelling life story and optimistic message about America’s future, Rubio came away from the primary only with victories in a few inconsequential conquests and a foot-tall, shoddily made plastic trophy of a man behind a podium.

To discuss what Rubio’s pathetically token result means for his political future, readme has turned to Rubio’s campaign manager Alex Conant:

readme: Senator Rubio was hailed as the most viable candidate the GOP had on offer this election cycle, both in the primaries and in a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton. He ended up winning Minnesota, Puerto Rico, Washington D.C. and a trophy so small that receiving it is honestly way more depressing than getting nothing. What happened?

Conant: What are you talking about? Marco Rubio winning the spirit award is a great achievement! We plan to hold a victory speech tomorrow night.

readme: …This really isn’t something you can hold up as a victory. Your man lost, Alex. He lost bad. He lost bad in his home state to someone who, let’s be frank, has no business winning any political contest whatsoever. You cannot have a victory speech about getting the spirit award.

Conant: See, now you’re just underestimating us. We held a victory rally after Rubio came in third in Iowa. We held a victory rally after he came in second in South Carolina. We didn’t hold a victory rally after he came in fifth in New Hampshire, but that’s just because our victory rally manager was out with the flu. Senator Rubio actually won something this time; if that doesn’t merit an unreasonably self-confident speech, I don’t know what does.

readme: Winning an election. That’s what does.

Conant: Look at all the endorsements we got from establishment politicians! Look at our several-hundred-person rallies! Look at the beautiful trophy that the RNC saw fit to award us! Surely, the Rubio campaign was nothing if not an unmitigated success.

readme: You poor, poor delusional bastard. Thank you for your time.

At press time, there’s pretty much no chance that Rubio wasn’t already gearing up to run again in 2020.

New Hampshire Primary Won by Donald Trump

New Hampshire primary won by Donald Trump!

 

Predicts his polls will get a “big bump”

Then laughs at Kasich and the “republican establishment loser lump”

Says Rubio is “stuck in a slump”

Calls Cruz “a crappy classless clump”

And chides “Chris Christie is a chubby chub chump”

Followed up by telling Jeb “please clap” Bush to “get off this sinking ship and jump”

Next he grills Bernie for “being a grouchy grouch grump”

And heckles Hillary for “having a sad saggy hump”

This leads him bragging about his wife’s “butt being both firm and plump”

After which the Donald drops the mic and starts to crump

Suddenly! He pulls down his pants and shows off his glorious golden rump

And proceeds to take a massive onstage dump!!!

 

Poem by Ben Kaplan

Trump, Cruz Split Iowa Win in Heartwarming Gesture

cruz-trump-2016

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Realizing that their friendship was far more important than winning the primary, Republican presidential frontrunners (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump and (sharp noise of disgust) Sen. Ted Cruz announced in a joint press conference late Monday night that they planned to share first place in the Iowa caucus.

The candidates, finding that competing for Iowa had jeopardized their long held rapport, came to the conclusion that neither Iowa’s 30 delegates, nor the free positive media coverage that came from a first-place finish in Iowa, nor even the sense of inevitability that an Iowa victory engenders, was worth such an outcome.

According to staff from both campaigns, the decision to share the victory was made on a whim by Sen. Cruz at around 10 PM on the night of the caucus. Votes were just beginning to be counted, and all indicators showed that the race could go either way. Cruz had begun work on his victory speech, but the more that he wrote the less emotionally fulfilled he felt. Sources have confirmed that at this point a single tear rolled down Cruz’s face as he realized what he had thrown away to reach for this prize.

Tears now streaming down his face, Cruz personally called Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters and, stammering and hyperventilating, asked to talk to “the man [he’d] spent so many happy hours with.” When Cruz was then redirected to Trump and told him how he truly felt, Trump too burst into tears and agreed right then and there that this rift between them had to be mended.

The two old friends and their campaigns hastily organized a joint event at which they would announce that, no matter what the final result turned out to be, they would split credit for winning Iowa and, consequently, all the positive coverage that would ensue. This event was greeted with high praise by both the media and the general public, who, to quote one bystander, were “just happy to see these guys together again.”

Even representatives from rival campaigns had nothing but good things to say about this development. One of Ben Carson’s staffers present at the press conference said that when Trump and Cruz made their announcement it “just about melted my heart” and that “you know, this gives me hope that American politics can rise above the nastiness it’s been stuck in for the last 230 years.”

At press time, Sen. Marco Rubio had pulled a massive upset victory in Iowa after voters realized that both Trump and Cruz were completely unelectable.

Single Politician Seeks Good Presidency

Image

Well, folks, it’s 2014 and according to the math majors we know, that means it’s two whole years until the 2016 elections. But readme knows it’s never too early to obsess over elections, so we’ve taken the liberty of looking at some of the maybe-kinda-hopefully-hopefuls across the political spectrum and writing down the strangest real things people think we need to know about our potential Presidents. And, really, who wouldn’t vote for:

• “an eccentric former geologist”

• “the charismatic technocrat”

•“Mr. No, as he was known”

• “‘Super PACman’”

• “former basketball referee”

• “a perfect example of the 2010 Supreme Court Citizens United ruling gone awry”

• “a man with no political background”

• “social and fiscal conservative maverick” (ed: MAVERICK! TAKE A SHOT!!!)

• “both folksy and blunt”

• “fondly remembered for campaigning on the back of a pickup truck”

• “once dreamed about being a concert pianist”

• “gained instant national attention in 2012 after making comical faces at Mitch McConnell”

• “triggered a wave of controversy that forced a recall election in his second year in office”

• “[has a] speaking style at times eerily similar to Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone”

•“boyish good looks, long hair, and easy charm”

•“once famously stamped Republican bills with a red-hot branding iron”

• “there were some who predicted the end of his political career following his drunk driving conviction in 1993”

• “ex-president of Simplot, the French fries giant”

• “noted for his formidable oratory skill” (this one isn’t all that strange, except for the part where they’re saying this about Ted Cruz)

• “a self-described ‘common’ and ‘normal’ person”

• “an Anti-Globalist who has traveled the globe”

and

• “a textbook libertarian”