Trump Signs Executive Order Editing Statue of Liberty Plaque to “LOL NOPE”

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

The world was rocked this week when, in one of his first moves as President, Donald “Already At Mid-Second-Term Levels of Disapproval” Trump signed an executive order shutting down America’s refugee program and closing its borders to people from several Muslim-majority countries. Despite throngs of people across the political spectrum coming out in opposition to this piece of counterproductive political showmanship, readme can now confirm that Trump is doubling down by formally changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from Emma Lazarus’ sonnet The New Colossus to, simply, LOL NOPE.

“Reliable” sources within the Trump Administration have also indicated that the new text will not only be in 400-point font but will also be in bolded Impact, so as to “make certain the message gets across that, yeah, we super all the way don’t want you here.” According to Trump’s nascent Office of Management and Budget, the project is expected to cost $2 million, which when converted to Not Crazy Person Money translates to a cool $15 mil, minimum.

Naturally, politicians of all stripes and people across the nation have been incensed by Trump’s brazen willingness to essentially deface a national landmark with particularly unclassy xenophobia. Well, politicians of some stripes and roughly half of people across the nation, at least. The rest are A-OK with it. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, Breitbart just put out an article alleging that the immortal words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free” are fake news produced by the liberal media to defame our glorious leader. Obviously.

Among the people across this nation who actually are incensed, though, a heroic few are getting off their asses and doing something about it, for instance by writing invective thinly disguised as satire. Truly, these brave men and women are doing yeomen’s work out there in the political wilderness, taming the beasts of tyranny with elegant strokes of their blades. Well, pens. Keyboards, if we’re really being honest.

(This is me I’m talking about here, by the way. Can you tell? Anyway, yeah, it’s me. Mark Saporta. The writer of this article. I’m basically the best. You’re welcome.)

At press time, Trump had quietly issued four more far-reaching executive orders while the media desperately attempted to process the previous four. Welcome, my friends, to the Darkest Timeline.

 

New Alternate History Novel Debuts In Which Donald Trump Wins 2016 Election

by Mark Saporta, Counterfactual Correspondent

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To widespread popular acclaim, beloved alternate history author I. T. T. Line released his third and most detailed work to date earlier this week. Titled Make America Great Again, the novel delves into a thorough examination of an alternate 2016 election in which businessman Donald J. Trump defeats Hillary Clinton and becomes the 45th President of the United States.

The real 2016 election was, of course, a subdued affair. After attaining a massive early financial lead, Jeb Bush steamrolled his primary opponents and was a lock for the Republican nomination by February. For her part, Hillary Clinton ran nearly unopposed for the Democratic nomination, easily winning every state. The general election was then relatively genteel and policy-focused, in contrast to the vicious elections of the last twenty years, and Clinton/Booker defeated Bush/Walker by a comfortable margin of four points.

In Make America Great Again, Line asks readers to consider a completely different and in some ways diametrically opposed reality. In his book, the Republican primary is thrown into chaos as Trump bombastically joins the fray in the summer of 2015. Starting from his announcement speech, he publicly shows no regard for consistent and feasible policy positions, the well-being of anyone who isn’t a white male, or even basic human decency itself. Nonetheless, he rises and rises in the polls, running roughshod over a slate of candidates from across the Republican spectrum and a party apparatus that can’t seem to muster a defense. In the meantime, Clinton finds herself in an unexpectedly difficult race against an unexpected opponent: 73-year-old democratic socialist Bernie Sanders.

The action only continues once both Clinton and Trump are officially nominated, with the former facing down a persistent scandal concerning proper handling of classified material and the latter lurching from massive gaffe to massive gaffe (without spoiling too much, it is worth mentioning that the words “grab them by the pussy” feature near the end of the book). Despite three clear debate victories, a far superior campaign, and the wholehearted support of the increasingly popular sitting president, Clinton’s early lead tightens to three points by November.

Finally, in the climax of the novel, Trump defies the expectations of pollsters, politicians, and the media alike by pulling off a small but solid Electoral College lead and nearly tying the popular vote. The book ends with his victory speech early on November 9th, deliberately leaving the reader uncertain about what’s next for this alternate America.

Naturally, this timeline is incredibly implausible; Line admits as much in the preface. Nevertheless, Make America Great Again is an excellent read for anyone looking for in-depth alternate history, a view into the dark depths of the American psyche, or even just a good political thriller.

Mark’s Review: 4.5/5 Highly Recommended

Trump Allegedly Hiding Schröedinger’s Cat in Tax Returns

by Kwanpo Cheng, Theoretical Reporter

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As the media continues to unearth scandal after scandal surrounding the presidential nominees, the scientific world was wracked with a shocking revelation last Wednesday. Republican candidate Donald Trump has allegedly released his tax returns to the public, stating even though the forms are released, the numbers cannot be examined as they contain details about a Schröedinger’s Cat.

“I’m telling you, I have a tremendous science experiment going on,” Trump said at the press conference. “This Scrodangler [sic] cat is both alive and dead. I cannot look at my tax returns because then I’ll ruin the experiment. You cannot look at the returns. No one can look at the tax returns. In fact, I can’t even tell you about it. This is real science, end of story.”

This reveal has sparked numerous debates in the scientific community. Physicists are evenly split on agreeing whether this was a valid experiment or not. Others argue more heavily about whether Trump has actually released his tax returns, a new phenomenon called Schröedinger’s Taxes in which the returns are both released and unreleased. This discovery may be grounds for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When asked about the possibility of receiving the Nobel Prize, Trump responded, “People are going to tell you I am incompetent or I am crazy. But really I am crazy – about science. Let me tell you, I love science. I have always loved it as a kid. That’s because I am smart. I’ve got people writing my paper for me. It’s going to be great. I’m going to charge people to read it. That’s going to create jobs and bring them back to America.”

“We believe Mr. Trump is ready to lead the country,” said Marcia McNutt, the president of the National Academy of Sciences. “We had initially thought Trump to be unintelligent, biased, and unscientific, but he has proved himself by standing strong.” The Academy is expected to hand several large projects to Mr. Trump including global warming and solar energy.

The IRS is struggling in the aftermath to obtain Trump’s tax returns as opposition from the scientific community increases. Other political leaders are supporting Trump’s decision to withhold his returns while simultaneously releasing similar statements about other Schröedinger’s Tax Animals, such as Dogs, Hamsters, Goldfishes, and Parakeets. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was especially proud of his Schröedinger’s Potato.

Celebrity scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted, “If Trump’s theory of observation applies to taxes, then it applies to my Internet cat. We cannot learn the name of my cat until I find out it is ,” before running out of characters.

Mayan Apocalypse to Coincide With Inauguration Day 2017

by Kwanpo Cheng

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After years of false predictions, the Institute of Maya Studies have released a new interpretation of the apocalypse. According to a recent statement, the Institute believes they have accurately decoded the markings on an ancient Mayan calendar—and the final date is January 20 of next year.

“This past June, we unearthed several carvings in a temple that made light of several Mayan leap days,” said the Head of the Institute, Janet Macklin. “We re-calibrated our research and we are confident that the world will end early in 2017. The fact that the Mayan Apocalypse will occur on the hour of the new president’s inauguration is purely coincidental.”

The carvings also depicted images of humanity’s impending doom, beginning with a false idol’s rise to power and culminating in a global catastrophe where the Earth slowly burns to death.

“The most mysterious interpretation of the text is the massive construction of Walls,” the report continues. “A sharp crack will open, searing across the sky, turning the air foul and the rain sour. The earth will split and massive Walls  will arise to divide the world. Waters will recede and expose large banks to swallow up the masses.”

The Institute is urging everyone to remain calm as the apocalypse approaches. Macklin advises everyone not to panic, despite acknowledging everyone is all on a slow journey to death and destruction.

Local resident John Bastian believes otherwise. “These crackpots have been predicting the end of the world for years. It’s just Inauguration Day. Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?”

A religious sect has also made similar claims, citing the Bible and saying the apocalypse will be accompanied by a plague of frogs and taxes.

Hillary Clinton Found to be Human; Qualifications for Presidency Under Question

by Apratim Vidyarthi, terrified-of-the-future-of-the-country-columnist

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In a shocking turn of events, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton showed up to Zack Galafakakakanakis’ renowned news program Between Two Ferns, citing a desire to make a serious announcement that was likely to appeal to millennials. On the show, Clinton expressed sarcasm, disdain, and other emotions that most millennials had earlier concluded that Clinton did not have due to her being a robot. This major campaign announcement—that Clinton is indeed one of us—has the potential to change the shape of this election by around 0.2 percentage points.

At the debate Monday, her opponent Donald Trump attacked this quality, calling it her “tragic flaw.” He was quoted as saying, “Listen to me, because I know what I’m talking about. I have investments in Chicago, great town, Chicago, and what we need is to make America great again, and I just don’t think a human like Secretary Clinton is going to do that. Don’t get me wrong, I have—I’ve always had a great relationship with the human community, I just think we need to reinstate certain policies that have worked in the past to keep corruption in check, like the stop and flick policy.”

When the debate moderator pointed out that stop and flick was ruled unconstitutional for disproportionately targeting warm-blooded candidates, Trump flicked his own tongue in an ostentatious display of his lizard-folk heritage and supposed ability to lead.

Clinton’s declaration of humanity comes in stark contrast to Trump’s unfettered racism, sexism, lack of logic, and obsession with gold. Several biologists and prominent scientists have claimed that Trump’s behavior and looks are more reflective of snake people than of the dignified lizard race to which he claims to belong.

Whatever the result of this election, it’s sure to be historically significant. America will have either its first human president since Herbert Hoover or a disgraced lizard in a cheeto costume. Stay tuned to find out!

Pence Breaks Down After Yet Another Question About Trump

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

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In a not-all-that-stunning election eventuality, the endless barrage of questions, requests for comment and unsolicited advice concerning Trump that Republican VP nominee Mike Pence has received in the last two months culminated in him publicly breaking down at a press conference last night.

The Indiana Governor and, Christ, just the most politician-looking politician that this good green Earth has ever produced, reportedly cried out in anguish after another damn reporter asked another damn question about another damn racist or sexist or blatantly false thing Trump had expelled from his mouth.

Multiple sources have confirmed that, following an initial outburst of “NO! I’M DONE! I’M SO DONE WITH THIS!” shouted in a tone far removed from his usual media-trained, old-white-guy-from-the-Midwest strains, Pence began to sob loudly and inelegantly into his cupped hands for several minutes.

Sources also report that Pence occasionally mumbled angrily in between sobs, with the only clearly audible words being “Ghazala Khan,” “tiny hands,” and “great, great wall, more like great, great wall of BULLSHIT.”

In a rare moment of compassion, several reporters in the audience attempted to comfort the 57-year-old piece of white bread. Notably, CNN political correspondent Dana Bash walked up to Pence, gave him an extended “bro hug” (back pats included), and gently whispered, “It’s gonna be alright… Just cry it out.”

After a few minutes more, Pence abruptly shouted “I’M LEAVING!” and stormed away from the podium. Sources report that he spent the rest of the evening crying, binge-watching House of Cards, and eating several pints of Ben & Jerry’s “Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough” ice cream.

While it is, needless to say, unusual to see national politicians candidates display any candidness whatsoever, it is not that surprising that Mike Pence has begun falling apart at the seams. After all, Pence is a staunch fiscal and social conservative who has been forced to awkwardly defend the ridiculous statements of a man with whom he profoundly disagrees every single day since he was nominated in mid-July. That sort of strain can take a toll on anyone, even someone genetically modified and groomed from birth to be the Most Default Politician Possible.

At press time, the Democratic VP nominee is still Tim Kaine, a fact you almost certainly forgot somewhere around early August.

Donald Thatchrump

Donald Thatchrump

Winner. Fond of red bikinis that match his beard.

“I will wear a great bikini — and nobody wears bikinis better than me, believe me — and I’ll wear them very inexpensively. I will wear a great great bikini on my southern border, and I will have The Tartan pay for that bikini. Mark my words.

I’ve said if I weren’t myself, perhaps I’d be dating me.”

Students protest Donald Trump fence while rest of campus burns

Rin Fair, prioritizing editor

With Carnival, exams, and the end of the year rapidly approaching, not to mention Hillary Clinton’s upcoming campus visit for her 2016 presidential campaign, and a petition circulating about sexual assault on campus, readme decided this would be a good time to talk about what really matters. The Donald Trump fence.

Just days after the tragic passing of two members of our campus community, CMU students have highlighted on another travesty that your Facebook feed might have you believe is just as important. Donald Trump’s name has been painted on the fence.

CMU is excellent at coming together when a tragedy occurs. Last week, our newsfeeds were flooded with messages of support and comfort. This week, everyone is protesting the Trump fence in solidarity. Perhaps next week, we can rise up and overthrow CulinArt if we put our minds to it.

readme is proud to be part of  such a community, where students can freely discuss the issues they find important: Donald Trump, sexual assault, Hillary Clinton, and stress culture (note: these are in no particular order).

readme, along with its brothers in the CMU community, fervently disapproves of this fence-painting atrocity. It feels that this pro-Trump message is taking attention away from the urgent issues that we need to address on campus. readme, of course, moved to paint the fence for Cthulhu instead. That should be much less dismissive of the problems that plague our university.

New Hampshire Primary Won by Donald Trump

New Hampshire primary won by Donald Trump!

 

Predicts his polls will get a “big bump”

Then laughs at Kasich and the “republican establishment loser lump”

Says Rubio is “stuck in a slump”

Calls Cruz “a crappy classless clump”

And chides “Chris Christie is a chubby chub chump”

Followed up by telling Jeb “please clap” Bush to “get off this sinking ship and jump”

Next he grills Bernie for “being a grouchy grouch grump”

And heckles Hillary for “having a sad saggy hump”

This leads him bragging about his wife’s “butt being both firm and plump”

After which the Donald drops the mic and starts to crump

Suddenly! He pulls down his pants and shows off his glorious golden rump

And proceeds to take a massive onstage dump!!!

 

Poem by Ben Kaplan

Breaking News: GOP Debate Has Facts

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Apratim Vidyarthi, Truth Correspondent

For the first time in nine debates, the GOP debate took a shocking turn as a single candidate uttered a sentence that was rooted in reality. Frontrunner Donald Trump, accompanied by what observers claimed was a lion’s mane seated atop his head, stated that 9/11 happened under the watch of Jeb! Bush’s brother, George W. Bush. Trump took things to the next level, stating that the Iraq war was a failure which was sold to the American people through lies, lies, and “yuge” lies, and that “weapons of mass destruction weren’t discovered in Iraq.”

This clearly crossed a line for the Republican establishment. Unwilling to allow facts to be uttered at a GOP debate, leading fact-debunker Fox News lashed out at Donald Trump. Establishment candidates—who normally deny their association to the establishment—Cruz and Rubio attacked Trump, unwilling to let the man, who previously claimed that “Mexicans are rapists, though some might be good people,” get away with bringing real facts to the table.

Exemplifying the gravity of the situation, Jeb! Bush went as far as to claim that he and former President George W. Bush were actually brothers, and that despite 9/11 and the deaths of more than 5,000 American servicemen, 80,000 Iraqis, and the nonexistent capture of Osama bin Laden, W actually kept America safe.

Some say that George W. Bush and his administration had clear reason to go to war against a ruthless and crazy dictator who suppressed his people, developed weapons of mass destruction, funded terrorist groups, and endangered our allies. Of course, this country was North Korea, but because we use the Imperial system and they use the metric system, we miscalculated, and hit Iraq.

The GOP debate got heated the moment Trump lashed out with facts. Spectators also saw Cruz and Rubio, both children of immigrants who hate immigration laws, speak in Spanish and add insult to injury for those GOP debate watchers who only speak American. Some believe that these instances of facts and bilingualism will lead to the death of the GOP. Others simply watched the carnage, and like Governor John Kasich, just said “aw jeez, oh, man.”