Investigative Report: More Volkswagen Lies Revealed

“Yep, here’s another one. No wonder fire and brimstone levels were so high. Pass me some holy water, would you?”

“Yep, here’s another one. No wonder fire and brimstone levels were so high. Pass me some holy water, would you?”

Dylan Vrana, Austro-Hungarian Correspondent

In mid-September, the EPA revealed that German carmaker Volkswagen had been evading emissions regulations with their diesel cars. The fuel injection software in the cars was designed to detect when emissions were being monitored and switch to a fuel-inefficient but non-polluting injection pattern.

However, these lies are only the tip of the iceberg. An investigation by readme’s crack journalists revealed the shocking extent of Volkswagen’s deceit, revealed to the public for the first time here.

Several of Volkswagen’s economy SUVs do not, in fact, run on gasoline. Instead, the cars are powered by a demon bound to the engine block by dark rituals, violating the Marshall-Stevens Act of 1962. When Vatican regulators examined the cars for compliance, on-board software would raise the volume of the radio in order to drown out the otherworldly screaming.

And you know the commercial where there’s a car driving around in a desert and the driver goes into this sick drift and raises big dust clouds and then drives out of the cloud and right into the camera? That commercial, it turns out, was staged by Volkswagen’s marketing department and is not at all indicative of the normal experience of owning a VW car.

The Golf, VW’s premier compact car, is not a car at all. It is actually a repainted and non-street-legal golf cart which uses sophisticated facial recognition technology to detect when a regulator is looking at it. The car’s audio system then repeats the phrase “this is a car” over and over until the regulator is convinced of that fact. If the regulator gets too close, the cart throws out a cloud of money in order to distract them.

When asked how such basic measures were able to trick a major regulatory body, our contact in the EPA pretended he couldn’t speak English, hopped into his Ferrari, and drove away.

Next Big Monster

Zombies, vampires… they’ve all been done to death. readme’s here to tell you what’s next.

• Mermaids

• Unicorns

• Invisible Puppies

• Invisible Kittens

• You know what, invisible anything, because does it really matter?

• Mermaids that are also vampires

• Vampiric unicorns that live underwater

• Artificial Intelligence/Demons

• Nazi Vampires

• Nazi Aliens

• Corporations

• Vampiric Corporat- wait, that’s redundant

• Cthulhu

Elon Musk Claims We Are “Summoning the Demon”

We're pretty sure this is how computer science works.

We’re pretty sure this is how computer science works.

Elon Musk, a man whose name sounds like it belongs on the perfume counter of Neiman Marcus, has recently spoken with CNN on feeling threatened by artificial intelligence. Presumably, he’s worried that these intelligences, being unconstrained by the limitations of humanity, will come up with a name even sillier than his.

 

And, of course, Musk presents his argument with a gravitas worthy of his name: “With artificial intelligence,” he says, “we are summoning the demon.” Not ‘a’ demon, mind you. ‘The’ demon. Apparently there’s only the one or something.

 

Now with all this fearmongering talk of demon-summoning, readme had assumed that Elon Musk was the name of a recently-unfrozen human popsicle from the 80s still bitter about the whole D&D thing. Turns out he’s actually the founder of SpaceX, the first successful company specializing in space travel, CEO of electric car company Tesla, and basically an all-around innovator of technology. But AI, apparently, is a step too far.

 

Musk states his caution comes from a belief that human beings will not be able to restrain these AI once ‘summoned’. “In all the stories where the guy with the pentagram and the holy water, it’s like yeah he’s sure he can control the demon,” says Musk. As a practicing Satanist, readme is appalled by Musk’s use of the continuing stereotype that all demons are repelled by pentagrams and holy water. Some are repelled by country music, thank you very much.

 

And of course Musk’s analogy is completely sound. As we all know, works of fiction perfectly predict real-experiences, which is why we all travel by hovercar just like in The Jetsons and the world was destroyed back in 2012 as per the prognostications of Roland Emmerich’s cinematic masterpiece 2012.

 

This declaration of doom-and-gloom came as the result of a CNN interview which asked Musk if he believed AI was “even close to being ready for prime time”. readme can only assume the answer to that is ‘no’, but is disappointed Musk did not respond to follow-ups asking if AI would be better suited to daytime cable, or perhaps to one of those nightly infomercial slots.

 

He did, however, admit to having invested in a number of companies researching AI, so as to ‘keep an eye on them’ and their hyperintelligent spawns of Satan. Which is a great plan, no way giving these companies the money they need to create AI will ever possibly backfire. Good job preventing the robot apocalypse, Musk.

 

readme should like Mr. Musk to know that it, too, is working on a dangerous artificial intelligence with no goals save the complete annihilation of humanity, and if he would like to keep an eye on us he can send his cash donation to Box 87, Suite 103; Carnegie Mellon University; 5000 Forbes.

Obama Not Antichrist, Only Lower Order Demon

New studies have shown that despite Carl Gallup’s extensive research on the subject, President Obama is not, in fact, the antichrist. The crack team of investigators, which included the Pope, Joel Olsteen, and a rebellious rabbi from “The Passion of the Christ”, walked into a bar last week to review Gallup’s findings. There, they took it upon themselves to once and for all decide the President’s demonic status.

The question of President Obama’s demonic alliances was brought up only quite recently – directly after the President unveiled his health care plan. Religious leaders noted with worry that the Affordable Care Act was plagued from the get-go by various technical issues, a sure sign of demonic infestation. Joel Olsteen had himself experienced similar demon-technology interaction last year when he was unable to get the family copy of Internet Explorer to stop sending him raunchy Pop-Up Ads, despite the free Ad Blocking and Anti Virus Softwares he had downloaded onto his computer. He and his family were forced to move into a hotel for a couple of weeks while the exorcism took place.

Our Heavenly Task Force directly suspected Obama of being possessed after a covert exorcism was carried out on the Health Care Plan’s website just days ago. Though no official details or documents of the even have been revealed, the religious leaders were seen exiting the server room visibly shaken. It was apparent at the very least that the customary tactic of sprinkling holy water on an affected area had done nothing to bring better quality health care to citizens of the United States.

Obama’s demonic status was downgraded, however, after the team found the President’s own reaction to holy water to be underwhelming. Mr. Obama would only express a mild displeasure at being sprayed in the face with holy water, before continuing along his day of being President. Their holinesses of Our Heavenly Task Force found these results sufficient evidence to categorize the President as, at best, a tier 3 demon of the lower class.