Clinton: No Worries re. Sanders

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Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Correspondent

Despite recent polling showing underdog Democratic primary candidate and unabashed Brooklynite Bernie Sanders in the lead in both Iowa and New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton’s press team has insisted that her campaign has precisely zero concerns about his rapid rise. Furthermore, they have claimed, they have understood the wizened 74-year-old socialist who had up until recently had virtually no name recognition outside of Vermont to be a potentially dire threat to their political fortunes since he entered the race. Your political correspondent, as infallibly committed to the next big scoop as always, decided to follow up on this bold assertion by interviewing top Clinton surrogate and not-a-David-Brock-stand-in, why-would-you-think-that John Misty about how the Clinton campaign is handling the new polls:

readme: So you’re really not worried about Sanders potentially winning upsets in Iowa or New Hampshire?

Misty: Worried? Me? Why would I be worried? Should I be worried? What would I be worried about? I’M NOT WORRIED.

readme: ….Are you sure? You sound kind of worried, if I’m being honest.

Misty: No, no no no. Our campaign has anticipated Sanders’ rise since last year! No, since last decade! No, even further…Let me tell you a tale, young one. A tale that will prove to you and all your ilk that we’ve expected this all along!

readme: I…guess so? Shoot.

Misty: Long, long ago, deep in the mists of time, a boy was born. This boy was to be christened Bernard, and his birth was felt by pollsters across the nation. For this boy was destined to be the Great Challenger, the one spoken of in the prophecy, the one who would one day rise up to do surprisingly well against BUT NOT DEFEAT THAT’S IMPORTANT a great political foe. We knew about the prophecy, of course, as all Democratic party elites did, and we used every tool at our disposal to stop him from running for President. Sadly, despite over seventy years of machinations, we were unable to prevent this dire fate, and he announced his category in May 2015. So yeah, we’ve been expecting him to do well. He’s not going to win, obviously. That’d be crazy.

readme: …Welp.

Misty’s final declaration was followed by several seconds of nervous laughter and hair-scratching, as well as the visible formation of sweat on his forehead.

At press time, DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was completely unworriedly huddled in a boardroom, tearing her hair out.

O’Malley Advocates Anarchism in Bid for Media Attention

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Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In a move that surprised voters and pundits alike, Democratic candidate Martin O’Malley outlined a new, anarchy-based platform at a stump speech last Saturday.

Languishing at low single digits in the polls and viewed largely as a nonfactor in the primary, the former mayor of Baltimore and Governor of Maryland decided the best way to capture voter interest and create buzz around his candidacy was to call for the complete dissolution of the United States governmental apparatus, to be replaced with a completely non-hierarchical system in which the individual is given full freedom to follow their will. To a sea of confused frowns and occasional scattered applause, he opened the speech with a ten-minute tirade on the evils of government and the merits of free association.

In one of his most noted lines of the appearance, O’Malley capped off his speech by saying that “unlike Secretary Clinton, who would tell you that the State is necessary to maintain order and stability, I believe that we will only achieve true greatness when the State’s parasitic hold on us has been broken. Please look at my platform at martinomalley.com/whyihatethestate and donate to my campaign. No, seriously, I desperately need your money. Have you seen how much Hillary and Bernie have been getting? I have, like, a fiftieth of that…Even less, if you count Super PAC money. Please, please donate”.

In an appearance on Meet the Press the next day, O’Malley’s campaign adviser Dave Hamrick reflected on his team’s decision to eschew the traditional Democratic platform of large-scale government intervention in favor of a call for no government whatsoever:

“We realized that O’Malley was stuck in the middle between the pragmatic liberalism of Hillary Clinton and the fiery progressivism of Bernie Sanders. Initially, we tried to push his credentials as someone who had actual governing experience and a reasonably solid record of liberal leadership, but that was getting us nowhere fast. But then one day, I was reading yet another article about the new crazy thing Trump or Carson or Huckabee had said and I just sort of realized that the only way we were going to get any coverage was by going completely off the rails. Since then…well, it’s been a wild ride”.

Hamrick then reportedly got out a can of black spray-paint, tagged an A in a circle on the camera recording the segment and ran out of the room.

It has not yet become clear whether O’Malley’s new strategy has been paying off, but search interest for his campaign has been through the roof since the speech and he has received the endorsement of more than a dozen people who shout at pedestrians in major cities. The campaign has indicated that, in reaction to the positive response, they plan to have O’Malley become a Rastafarian as soon as next week.

Hillary Clinton is “Just Like You”

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Kwanpo Cheng, Youth Correspondent

With the Democratic nomination in sight, Senator Hillary Clinton has redoubled her efforts to portray herself as the most viable, humane candidate for the upcoming presidency. She will have to win the initial primary against major competitor, Senator Bernie Sanders, and all the other candidates we have already forgotten.

“Major campaign efforts went into creating a large presence on the ‘Internet,’” Senator Clinton said in a recent interview. “It’s a strange contraption Al Gore invented, and all the youths have been on and I recognized the need for me and my image to also be with those youth on the internet. I am on the Twitters, Instagrammy, and basically any other website you can imagine. If you use it, I will be there, providing updates about my life that you did not realize you needed. Please vote for me,” she added in a low whisper.

Senator Clinton is also just like us. Sometimes, voters forget that she is a senator at all. When several supporters were asked about their views on the candidate, they responded they initially believed she was a young, hip, fun, hilarious, meme-wielding woman. One supporter said he really related to how Senator Clinton lifts thirty pounds on a daily basis, while occasionally pigging out on thirty pints of chocolate mint ice cream at home. “I don’t really care what her stance is as long as she thinks Chandler is the best of them all.”

Most recently, the Benghazi hearing has been nothing but a strong boost to her mirror image. When asked if her use of a private email server exposed classified information, she responded, “I love Gmail. It is the best email service, much better than Yahoo!” When the committee looked bewildered, she added, “I also helped New York rebuild after the 9/11 attacks,” and was met with thunderous applause.

Her latest efforts to identify with voters include a 30-day binge at Chipotle, which she believes everyone has done, but doesn’t admit it.

Questions Cut from the Democratic Debate

• I’m really interested in the Clinton Foundation, could you tell me more about the interview process?

• Senator Webb, Governor O’Malley, Governor Chafee, who the hell are you people?

• Governor Chafee, your word is: syzygy

• Which Fantastic Four film is your fav?

• If you had to fight 100 duck-sized…

• What do you think of my new haircut?

• In 20 double-spaced pages, please assess the factors contributing to the downfall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire

• Gov. Chafee, the last four years have been the best of my life. I don’t know how to ask this, but will you marry me?

• Gov. O’Malley, your rebuttal.

• If elected, how many babies do you plan to kill with all of the guns you take from us?

• BENGHAZI?!?!?

• Bernie Sanders, this question comes from Reddit. On a scale from amazing to amazing, how amazing would you describe yourself?

• Trump, Carson, Fiorina: FMK

• Can you ignore this question and pivot to your talking points?

• Governor Chafee, go home. Just… Just go home.

• If you were forced to kill a human being, how hard would that get you, Jim Webb?

• What would you do for a Klondike bar?

• Anyone know who that guy on the end is? How did you get in here?

• What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

SANDERS: You know it’s the 90% of swallows which are drastically overburdened. Only the top half of the top one percent of swallows are unburdened.
CLINTON: Well, I really think it’s time for a female swallow.
WEBB: Hey, hold on, you didn’t let me answer yet! It’s my tu-
O’MALLEY: You all talk about unladen swallows. But I actually am one.
CHAFEE: Look Ma! I’m on stage!
WEBB: I killed a swallow with my bare hands and ate it.

• Human life is an exercise in lifelong suffering until death, and all of our achievements are rendered meaningless in the face off the inevitable heat death of the universe. As president, what steps would you take to prevent this?

“The cat is either dead or alive if it’s 50% chance. But what if we made it a 99% v 1% chance? They would become fat cats. The other cats would form unions. What? I like cats a lot I guess. I’m Bernie sanders.” -Bernie Sanders

• What is your favorite flavor of pie?

SANDERS: You know the problem with the pie is that it’s not being shared equally! The top half of one percent are getting 90 percent of the pie!
CLINTON: You know, I can think of one kind of pie we haven’t tried yet…
O’MALLEY: You all can talk about pie, but I’ve actually made a pie. When I was in Maryland, we made our own pie.
COOPER: But it’s been alleged that there were only Black birds in that pie, isn’t that still a problem in Maryland?
O’MALLEY: Well-
CHAFEE: I like pie.
WEBB: A man once tried to take my pie. I liked him with my bare hands, and ate him along with the pie. And I’d do it again.

List: Things Politicians Have Compared Other Things To

 

Obamacare has been compared to slavery

Women have been compared to farm animals

The Tea Party has been compared to the KKK

The Tea Party to terrorists

Obama to Hitler, of course

Obamacare to the Titanic

Obamacare to Star Wars

Abortion to the Holocaust

Abortion to slavery

Gay marriage to polygamy

Gay marriage to paganism

Gay marriage to incest

Gay marriage to 9/11

Republicans compared their fight to keep the government shut down to the Civil War…with them as the Confederates

NCAA to the mafia

Iran deal to appeasement in WW2