Substanceless Inanity 2016 Correspondent
Despite recent polling showing underdog Democratic primary candidate and unabashed Brooklynite Bernie Sanders in the lead in both Iowa and New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton’s press team has insisted that her campaign has precisely zero concerns about his rapid rise. Furthermore, they have claimed, they have understood the wizened 74-year-old socialist who had up until recently had virtually no name recognition outside of Vermont to be a potentially dire threat to their political fortunes since he entered the race. Your political correspondent, as infallibly committed to the next big scoop as always, decided to follow up on this bold assertion by interviewing top Clinton surrogate and not-a-David-Brock-stand-in, why-would-you-think-that John Misty about how the Clinton campaign is handling the new polls:
readme: So you’re really not worried about Sanders potentially winning upsets in Iowa or New Hampshire?
Misty: Worried? Me? Why would I be worried? Should I be worried? What would I be worried about? I’M NOT WORRIED.
readme: ….Are you sure? You sound kind of worried, if I’m being honest.
Misty: No, no no no. Our campaign has anticipated Sanders’ rise since last year! No, since last decade! No, even further…Let me tell you a tale, young one. A tale that will prove to you and all your ilk that we’ve expected this all along!
readme: I…guess so? Shoot.
Misty: Long, long ago, deep in the mists of time, a boy was born. This boy was to be christened Bernard, and his birth was felt by pollsters across the nation. For this boy was destined to be the Great Challenger, the one spoken of in the prophecy, the one who would one day rise up to do surprisingly well against BUT NOT DEFEAT THAT’S IMPORTANT a great political foe. We knew about the prophecy, of course, as all Democratic party elites did, and we used every tool at our disposal to stop him from running for President. Sadly, despite over seventy years of machinations, we were unable to prevent this dire fate, and he announced his category in May 2015. So yeah, we’ve been expecting him to do well. He’s not going to win, obviously. That’d be crazy.
Misty’s final declaration was followed by several seconds of nervous laughter and hair-scratching, as well as the visible formation of sweat on his forehead.
At press time, DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was completely unworriedly huddled in a boardroom, tearing her hair out.