Local Couple Debates Paying Their Bills

Local married couple, Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe debated whether or not to pay their bills last week as they sat in a nearly empty single bedroom flat. Jane eyed John angrily as he explained their situation to Readme. 

 

“It’s a complicated issue,” John said, “But I can’t help feeling that paying our bills might not be the right decision right now. There are a few bigger issues we need to take care of too.” When Readme asked what issues, Jane cut in angrily: “Like his goddamned sword collection. Ask him about it.” 

 

Readme was able to get John to unlock the bathroom of the apartment, which he had been using to keep his weaponry. “We’ve got a closet, but it’s full up already, and since the water’s not working here anymore I figured you know…” 

 

He changed the subject quickly, talking instead excitedly about his latest prized collection, a two-handed sword with a diamond encrusted  Standing in the doorway as he spoke, Jane seemed not to listen and instead eyed one of John’s many dirks meaningfully.

The conversation continued as John and Readme stepped of the bathroom for a breath of fresh air and to give Jane space to use the grindstone. So why did Joe’s collection take priority over bills? Readme asked. “Yes, John, why?” Jane exclaimed pointedly from the bathroom as she sharpened a blade onto one of John’s scimitars.

 

“Well, if JANE WOULD JUST LISTEN FOR A SECOND,” John said, “it’s all about keeping me and my own safe. There’ve been a lot of reports about suspicious activity going on around this apartment, and I just want to make sure our family is secure through these trying times. By buying more swords. To protect us.” 

As Readme left the apartment, Jane was last seen approaching John menacingly with a newly sharpened scimitar.

Things the American public knows more about than the Debt Ceiling (Thanks, mainstream media)

 

Cat videos

Twerking

My god the cat videos

Syria. Because even lim->0 is arguably greater than zero

Breaking Bad I mean did you see the finale it was such a satisfying resolution to a six year emotional journey we took with characters who spoke to us about the decaying middle class American dream and the meaninglessness of the choices in our lives and told us that deep down we are all monsters 

Guns

More cat videos

Nonperturbative quantum chromodynamics, because at this point even quantum mechanics makes more sense than our government

Pictures of food

Arguments on tumblr

SPORTS

Cat Twerking Videos

Senate Counter Proposal Defunds John Boehner’s Stupid Face

Fed up with Republican brinkmanship threatening a shutdown of the federal government, the higher chamber of Congress approved an aggressive budget to counter the House version that would not fund Obamacare. 

The Senate version leaves Obamacare intact but instead defunds the face of Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio). Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) was smug as he announced the passage of the budget to the press.

 “Americans have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to be forced to view the face of Mr. Boehner,” Reid said, intentionally mispronouncing the Speaker of the House’s last name as ‘boner.’ The budget comes in response to the budget passed by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, which would completely defund Obamacare. 

That budget, which had no chance of passing the Democrat-controlled Senate, came mere days before the Senate and House needed to agree on a budget or face a crippling shutdown of the federal government. “Americans need strong leadership in congress, but instead they have John Boehner’s stupid face,” Reid explained as the justification of the measure. 

“Repeated attempts to repeal his face have failed, so we are trying a different tactic.” As Republicans offered a different measure that would delay Obamacare by a year rather than defunding it, Reid offered a counter proposal to delay Boehner’s stupid face for a year.

House Republicans Strive to Ensure Health of Nation

In what is in no way a disgusting attempt to force a radical agenda through Congress by holding the world economy hostage, House Republicans imposed a new series of demands on Sunday to stave off a default on the nation’s debt. The programme, which House Republicans agreed was the only sensible alternative to a default that would plunge the struggling economy into a new depression and catastrophically impact the national and world economy, included a one-year delay of the healthcare law, a massive tax overhaul, a broad reduction of environmental regulations, and a demand for a constitutional amendment to legally classify President Obama as a “mean socialist Kenyan who is basically just like Stalin”.

In a press conference on Sunday, House Speaker John Boehner addressed concerns about this very good idea that will not backfire in any way imaginable, that does not represent the basest of political points scoring triumphing over the welfare of the nation, and does not represent total Republican inflexibility over the very idea of a Democratic president. “Fundamentally, we intend to ensure the health and prosperity of the nation. The Democrats aren’t allowing us to push through every single point of our agenda and demand that we compromise, so the only other way we can see to secure the nation’s future is to threaten the solvency of the nation and push ourselves headlong towards a major economic catastrophe that would devastate the world economy and force us into decades of unprecedented economic depression.”

Rank-and-file conservatives and libertarians, meanwhile, have lambasted House Republicans for what they perceive as compromising. In a forty-hour press conference, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas exhorted Republicans to demand a total government shutdown as a precondition to avoid a total government shutdown. “The government that governs best is that which governs least, as we have seen from our successes in Afghanistan and Iraq and the thriving society of Somalia,” he remarked in the tedious, pointless speech. “A government shutdown is very much the best way we can achieve a society for the betterment of all– well, all that matter, anyway. We need to free the captains of industry from the regulations and taxes that shackle them to concepts like “social responsibility” and “a clean living environment” and such rubbish.”

At press time, President Obama confirmed that he thought destroying the nation’s and the world’s economy was probably a bad idea.