Senate Republicans to Launch Investigation Into Trump Autocannibalism Scandal

by Daniel Bork, Delicious, Delicious Correspondent

For the past few weeks, Senate GOP leaders have been consumed by the question of how best to respond to rising popular pressure over President Trump’s autocannibalism scandal. Beginning last month at a press conference in which it was discovered that the growing porosity and increasingly ruddy tinge of Trump’s skin was caused not by illness or foreign sabotage but by the President systematically excising and consuming significant sections of his own body, the issue came to a head over the weekend in the gruesome audio recordings leaked to the Washington Post. Many congressional Republicans in recent days have ruminated off the record to readme on the possible reactions: while no politician wants to appear soft on cannibalism, a total condemnation risks alienating the very populist base that powered their 2016 re-elections, a prospect that many in the Senate find tough to swallow. However, according to a Wednesday New York Times report, the Senate majority has finally finished digesting their options and plans to respond with a full investigation by the powerful Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry, to begin as early as this April.

Reached for comment at his Lexington home Wednesday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, an influential committee member who is also the Senate Majority Leader, responded that “since President Trump’s policies have been a great boon to conservatism when he has not been preoccupied with responding to media attacks, the time has come to clear the President’s plate by bringing the full power of the committee to bear on this unfortunate happenstance in the form of an investigation.” When asked about the possible cause of Trump’s self-masticatory fixation, McConnell speculated that “while Dr. Bornstein has assured the American people of President Trump’s unprecedentedly superlative health, it may be that the pressures of the Presidency have led him to become somewhat malnourished. Many non-experts do not know this, but the human body is actually the most complete known source of nutrition, containing every essential amino acid needed to survive in exactly the required proportions. A healthy adult male such as the President can expect to survive up to 4-6 weeks on the fruit of his vessel alone.”

When pressed for comment on the political implications of the scandal, a clammy and visibly pale House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was spotted Thursday desperately choking down chunks of his own flesh in the bathroom of noted Capitol Hill hotspot Charlie Palmer Steak, stammered that “I really think Trump has been great for party unity. We used to have all these factions, you know…the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group and all that, who all ate separately and were all chomping at the bit to undermine each other.” After pausing briefly to suppress his gag reflex with a quick punch to the lower lip, Ryan haltingly continued: “Now, everyone’s working together to implement this new dining policy. I really think of this election result as a great victory for the conservative policy vision worldwide.” At this point, the Speaker became intensely focused on a particularly tough piece of his own thigh gristle and refused to respond to further attempts at questioning.

President Trump, in a rare phone interview with readme, rebutted concerns over his autophagy by noting that “Mmph, so good. Mmm. Delicious. Yeah.” In response to questions about the impact of his ingurgitation on the forthcoming re-rollout of his executive order on immigration, the President remarked that “that’s some good leg. Mmm, yes. Trump ouroboros.” Further inquiries on the impact of the scandal on foreign policy, and on the US relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin in particular, elicited copious lip-smacking and the occasional low moan.

At press time, the President had called a press conference to announce a new line of his famous Trump steaks.

Report: aaaaaaaaaaa

by Daaaaaaaaaaaniel Bork

According to a late-breaking series of reports following the results of Tuesday’s presidential election, aaaaaaaaaaa. Commenting on the unexpectedly large electoral college margin of victory for the Republican candidate despite receiving fewer popular votes, Democratic campaign chair John Podesta observed “aaaaaaaaaaa.” As the election’s result became clear early Wednesday morning, the Democratic candidate was too consumed by aaaaaaaaaaa to concede the race. Instead, Podesta addressed her supporters, delivering a sober assessment of the candidate’s precarious path to victory by confirming that, indeed, aaaaaaaaaaa. Shortly afterwards, the states of Aaaaaaaaaaa and Pennsylvania were called for the Republican, sending him to the White House and Democratic voters into paroxysms of aaaaaaaaaaa.

On the economic outlook following the election, Paul Krugman of the New York Times reported that the odds of a global aaaaaaaaaaa have spiked in the last 24 hours. On the question of whether the odds of aaaaaaaaaaa were likely to increase or decrease should campaign finance chair and ‘Suicide Squad’ executive producer Steven Mnuchin be appointed Treasury Secretary, Krugman equivocated. “Aaaaaaaaaaa. However, aaaaaaaaaaa,” assessed Krugman, clearly weighing the inexperience of Mnuchin against the possibility of a yet less qualified appointee. “*incoherent sobbing*” added Krugman, upon realizing that the likely front-runner for EPA administrator, Myron Ebell, was an aaaaaaaaaaa denialist who, if appointed, would likely roll back decades of aaaaaaaaaaa regulations.

The victory of the Republican came as a surprise to polling aggregators, many of whom confidently predicted a Democratic win and were stunned Wednesday morning when, instead, aaaaaaaaaaa. One exception to this was the FiveThirtyEight model, which had controversially diverged from the conventional wisdom by predicting a considerable chance of aaaaaaaaaaa throughout the cycle. “Aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa,” remarked its vindicated founder Nate Silver on his site’s return to pre-eminence. At press time, sources reported that aaaaaaaaaaa had again retweeted Silver’s predicted men-only electoral map, along with the caption, “#Aaaaaaaaaaa.”

“Deep Learning” Revealed to be Elaborate Pyramid Scheme

by Daniel Bork, Startup Shut-Downer

Tech stocks were roiled Monday when the Canadian Securities and Exchange Commission reported that the up-and-coming computer science subfield of “deep learning” was, in fact, a type of massively parallel financial fraud known as a pyramid scheme. Ringleader Geoffrey Hinton of the University of Toronto seemed to confess his involvement in an interview with federal prosecutors last month, the transcript of which was made public at his Monday court hearing.

“It’s all a great big lie,” said Hinton when pressed to explain inconsistent results claimed by the alleged breakthrough. “It was just a few MATLAB scripts and a lot of compiler tricks. I’m finished.” Hinton went on to detail the byzantine financial shell game that he and his accountants used to mislead backers and regulatory agencies, in which so-called “hidden layers” of investors recruiting ever-growing numbers of new contributors into the scheme. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s how it is in Silicon Valley,” claimed Hinton. “Everyone thinks that somewhere in the chain of startups, corporations, and angel investors is a real technology that actually does something, but nope. It’s just suckers all the way down.”

According to the investigation’s report, many promising “deep learning” applications that have received popular press, such as Google’s “DeepMind” software, may actually be little more than flashy demonstrations designed to attract investors while papering over the lack of any real technical achievement. “Yeah, it can make pretty pictures,” Hinton confessed, “and maybe beat a few people at board games, but that’s about it. It’s just a buzzword. It doesn’t solve any real problems for anyone.”

“You can’t just tack the word ‘deep’ onto any phrase and expect that to somehow make it more profound,” added Hinton, “and, obviously, machines can’t learn. Come on, people.”

Reactions across the tech world were mixed, ranging from horrified apocalyptic pronouncements to more sedate, reassuring apocalyptic pronouncements. PayPal cofounder Peter Thiel, for instance, comforted an audience of troubled graduate students at Berkeley’s Machine Intelligence Research Institute by stating that, while “the glorious dawning age of the Singularity may dawn a bit later than expected,” he nevertheless expected that “the generous contributions of our friends at the Trump Administration will keep every one of your projects funded bigly (sic) for decades to come”. The White House did not respond to requests for comment.