What Should CMU Spend the Marvell Settlement Money On?

• Defending all of our other patents

• Free tuition

• Coke parties

• Moving campus somewhere warm

• Kanye’s debt

• Scott Hall 2

• Plugging all the holes in Wean

• Replace Culinart with real food

• Increase diversity scholarships (not a joke)

• Build an actual walkway to the sky

• Hire Lobster Boy full time

• No seriously, increase diversity scholarships

• Create 3 Bill Dietrich clones to raise more quarters of a billion dollars for the University

• Unearth the Cut, rebuild the bridge

• Finally clean that damn fence

• Buy Marvel Studios

• Build a statue of Captain Marvel

• Build a statue of Captain CMU

CM Café Trapped in Bizarre Time-Change Time-Loop

Thatcher Montgomery, reporting from the never-ending nights of homework

Late at night, standing in front of a broken-down grill, the Culinart workers at CM Café were nearing the end of their shift. Checking their watch, one remarked, “Only a few more minutes before we can get out of here and head home to our lives outside of CMU.”

Gathering up their belongings, the aproned chefs were about to head out when the one looked at their watch again. “That’s odd, it just changed from 1:59 to 1 again.”

“Oh yeah, it’s daylight savings tonight. Guess we gotta stay another hour,” another replied. Some grumblings were heard, but the extra hour meant an extra $6.50 to take home after taxes, so it wasn’t entirely wasted.

The students at the Café were pleasantly surprised to see that they could admire the grill in all its non-functional glory for another hour. At least there were milkshakes, although they’re often out of chocolate. Oreo’s almost as good, I su- rather, one student supposed.

As the minutes ticked by, the Culinart workers entertained themselves by watching the students alternately pull their hair out and collapse into spontaneous naps between problem sets. Finally, it was nearing 2 a.m. again. This time, they really, truly were able to return to their waiting beds. Unlike the CMU students, who still had their homework.

However, a strange feeling pervaded the air. Watching their phones, the employees were anxious for the glowing digits to change from 1:59 to 2:00, signaling the closing time of CM Café. Instead of changing as expected, the numbers went straight back to 1:00.

“Shit! We must be caught in a time loop!” they exclaimed, startling awake a snoozing student. “If we can just break out of it… but how?”

Seized with a sudden inspiration, one Culinart worker rushed over to the CMU students working on their physics homework. Looking over their shoulders, the chef could see that they were stuck on a problem regarding the continuity of the time-space continuum. The employee also notice their lack of energy and low blood sugar. “I know just what to do…”

After whipping up what delicious food was possible without the grill, the feast was presented to the students. Upon gobbling it down, they were able to produce an answer, and time started moving forward again.

CulinArt Offers Bold, Old Plan for Meals

Pictured: CulinArt's ideal customer

Pictured: CulinArt’s ideal customer

In a new move meant to reward students using the block system, CulinArt at CMU is to begin giving out a complementary set of dentures with every meal. For those students somehow in full possession of their dental faculties, alternative prizes include old issues of National Geographic, copies of the 1962 Farmer’s Almanac, spare doilies, and beginner’s crochet kits.


“We’ve got all these students signing up for all these senior citizen eating times,” said an anonymous supervisor at Skibo Cafe. “I’m sure they’ll love these matching accessories.”


Many students surveyed by readme staff seem to agree, and can be seen out on campus decked out with these doddering decorations. Several environmental science majors have reported many enjoyable hours spent studying National Geographic. Both CFA majors and the English department have reported a high satisfaction with the crochet kits, citing “major increases in procrastination efficiency and productivity,” according to a Philosophy and Creative Writing major who wishes to stay anonymous to potential employers.


Senior members of the CMU academic community have applauded the venture. “Even though we don’t actually pay for or use blocks – because, I mean, who would?” said Seymour Citisen, associate professor of history. “But it’s nice to see that more students are being encouraged to follow an elderly lifestyle.” According to many older staff, eating after seven A.M. is far too late, and dinners after six are disruptive to the digestive system. “Early to bed and early to rise,” said Citisen. “You know the rest.”


CulinArt employees have also hinted at plans for different shapes, sizes, flavors and colors for distributed dentures, but no claims have yet been substantiated. Suggestions of replacing “lunch” blocks with “tea-time” and offering mushy potatoes-and-peas casserole at the Exchange in place of its normal menu have been met with widespread approval. CulinArt managers, however, have so far given no indication as to their next innovative ideas.


“We like to mix things up,” said the anonymous Skibo employee. “Keep things interesting, you know? But not too interesting.”


Some students do disagree with this plan, calling the distribution of dentures “insulting” and the meal scheduling times “ridiculous.”


“We already get up later, stay up later, stay up longer than older people,” said undeclared freshman Nue Too Schuel. “We need better dining hours. It’s ridiculous to expect us to have had a full dinner by 8 when we might just be getting out of class then. And what’s the point of giving these dentures out? Spend the money somewhere useful, like buying more cashiers at Resnik Servery.”


In response, Professor Citisen had this to say: “The problem isn’t the eating times. It’s that people are still using the dining plan at all. So suck it up, nerds.”