CRIME ALERT 2017-002: Local Computer Cluster Terrorized by Handwriting Narcissist

by Cam Wong, Graphology Correspondent

PITTSBURGH, PA—The denizens of a computer cluster on Carnegie Mellon campus reported repeated attacks yesterday by a mysterious figure who scrawled a number of unintelligible charts, graphs and figures onto the cluster whiteboard before vanishing into the night. Such attacks have been occurring throughout the semester, citizens claim, but with varying regularity and intensity.

Oftentimes, the charts are a quick source of anger and debate amidst cluster residents. “I’ll just walk in some days, and there’ll be some new graph of ‘various anime ranked by secondary animal lead’ just sitting there,” says Nick Rauen, the self-proclaimed protagonist of life. “Most of the time, it’s not even accurate! Whoever this guy is, he should at least fix his taste in anime.” According to one source, however, the real danger is in the graphs’ power to drag the cluster into an intense discussion (said source requested anonymity for fear of losing rank on the recent “best cluster dwellers” list). “I was planning on finishing my 112 project that day,” our source says, “but then I ended up dragged into determining where my haircut placed me on the prescriptivism spectrum! It took four hours and we still couldn’t even agree on the definition of ‘hair’!” Truly, this madman is a threat to peace and productivity clusterwide.

readme’s political correspondent was unable to be contacted for comments.

‘Yarr, We Be Not Pirates,’ Claims Activist

Activist leader Paul Watson, who founded the anti-whaling organization ‘Sea Shepherd’, which uses naval sabotage techniques to cripple the capabilities of Japanese whaling vessels, recently testified in a U.S. appeals court that he and his organization were ‘not pirates’. If working with politics has taught readme anything, it’s that if somebody says they’re not something, they totally are, which meant that upon hearing this it immediately began fitting Watson for an eyepatch and parrot.

Watson claimed that Sea Shepherd do not partake in piracy, but were simply protesting against the corrupt actions taken by the whaling industry, who many assert use their license to hunt whale to profit from the lucrative whale meat market. Now, granted, readme gets all of its knowledge of piracy from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, but it was fairly certain that protesting against corrupt and greedy businessmen was pretty much all pirates did besides make unsatisfying sequels. Also, dude, your flag is literally modeled after the skull-and-crossbones. I think the ship has sort of sailed on that one.

What’s more, Watson’s claims seem a bit fishy. For one, he claims not to be a pirate, and yet has an immaculately-groomed snow white goatee. There is absolutely no way people don’t call that guy ‘Whitebeard’ Watson behind closed doors. And they are the sworn enemies of a class of Japanese mercenaries who profit off killing (whalers: the modern-day ninja!). We’re just saying, his story doesn’t hold much water.

The court session where Watson made these claims was being held over supposed violations of an injunction levied against Paul Watson that prevented Sea Shepherd from perpetuating any more attacks on whaling vessels. Watson, however, pointed out that it was the in-no-way-affiliated-with-Sea-Shepherd ‘Sea Shepherd of Australia Limited’ that had been responsible for attacks which supposedly violated the injunction, and thus had not been bound at the time by the injunction.

The whalers, however, argued that the distinction between Sea Shepherd and Sea Shepherd of Australia, much like readme’s idea of piracy, is “largely fictional”. In short, they said, “You cheated.”

Watson simply gave a dashing Johnny Depp smile and shot back, “Pirate—ah, wait, shit. Forget I said that.”