Leaked Memo Suggests Everything Since 2011 According to Kerry’s Master Plan

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

In yet another shock twist in American politics, a recent Wikileaks trawl has unearthed a devious plot to take the Presidency, supposedly written by then-Massachusetts Senator and current Secretary of State John Kerry in early 2011.

The plan hinges on the order of presidential succession. As is widely known, if the President is impeached, resigns, or dies, the Vice President is sworn in as soon as possible. Less well-known is that the next in succession are the Speaker of the House, the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and, crucially, the Secretary of State.

What follows is an unaltered transcription of Kerry’s five-year plot to become the President by whatever means necessary:

 

TOP SECRET

FEBRUARY 17, 2011

FROM THE OFFICE OF SENATE FOREIGN RELATIONS COMMITTEE CHAIR JOHN KERRY

TAKING THE PRESIDENCY: PLAN #1A

First, I must lay some groundwork over the next three years. Successfully executing the following will make what comes next far more doable:

 

  • The Republicans nominate someone uninspiring to run against Pres. Obama in 2012. My “good friend” and Massachusetts “colleague” Mitt Romney should do nicely for this purpose.
  • Obama wins re-election handily.
  • Hillary Clinton resigns as Secretary of State with plans to run in 2016. As chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, I am the obvious replacement.
  • Partisan gridlock continues to choke Washington, stoked by efforts to defund the government in 2013 and a strong Republican victory in 2014 that wins them the Senate and an unassailable House majority.
  • Speaker John Boehner is thrown out by conservative diehards, who also prevent his natural successor Kevin McCarthy from taking the office. He is replaced by Paul Ryan, essentially the only person in the House that can unite both the establishment and Tea Party. Dissatisfaction with Congress and the government in general continues to increase, especially among Republicans.

 

Next, I will exploit every channel I can to make sure that somebody with a criminal history is elected President in 2016. I have settled on Donald Trump as a particularly loathsome candidate. This will require some good fortune, but if my groundwork pays off the Republicans will hate their party so much that they will be willing to elect a lunatic over one of their own:

 

  • At least ten candidates from all corners of the Republican party enter the 2016 primary, ensuring there is little concerted resistance to the next stage of the plan.
  • Hillary Clinton faces at least one unexpected challenger, perhaps someone from the far left who can energize the youth by promising free college and legal weed. I leak the existence of her private emails to some Republican congressman (t.b.d.) who is going after her for some real or imagined crime.
  • Donald Trump enters the Republican primary. Unless it seems like Trump will win through sheer chutzpah, I will anonymously manipulate Speaker Ryan and the head of the RNC into making a secret deal that gives Trump the primary. Either way, I will make sure there is a paper trail, real or fabricated, linking Ryan to Trump’s victory.
  • Clinton wins the primary, but the challenge from the left and the emails take a toll on her favorables. Moreover, I exercise my pull with the Russians to get them to interfere in Trump’s favor. To everyone’s surprise, Clinton manages to lose to Trump (ideally winning the popular vote but losing the Electoral College for maximum public outcry), who has been managed by my top political agent Kellyanne Conway the entire time.

 

Now here comes the fun part:

 

  • Shortly into his presidency, Trump is convicted of one of his myriad actual crimes and is forced to resign. Some well-placed bribes should ensure nothing goes awry.
  • Trump’s running mate is a wild card, but my inside men on the Secret Service should be able to get the job done no matter who it is.
  • I expose Paul Ryan’s “manufacturing” of the 2016 primary results through one of many potential back channels. He too is eventually forced to resign after a few short scandal-ridden months.
  • The President Pro Tem will now be the last man standing in my way. As his office is defined by his age, though, his death from “natural causes” shortly after his inauguration should come as no surprise.
  • As the next in succession, I, John Kerry, will become the 49th President of the United States.

 

The release of this memo will surely shake up Americans’ confidence in their political institutions for years, if not decades, to come. If it is truly legitimate, though, your political correspondent must express some degree of respect for John Kerry, perhaps the greatest political mastermind of the modern world.

Nanites Found in Dish Soap: Know Your Enemy

by The Voice of Reason

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Everyone knows the Palmolive dish soap slogan, “Tough on grease, soft on hands.” But you sheeple probably never asked yourselves how Palmolive could develop a cleaning agent that automatically selects its toughness based on what type of surface with which it contacts. Readme Laboratories, LLC has analyzed dozens of samples of Palmolive dish soap and has found shocking news: there are swarms of nanoscopic robots, called nanites, planted by the government in the soap that can detect whether they are touching human hands.

Now, most people totally dismiss the notion of nanites planted by the government to accomplish their nefarious purposes. Even someone as reasonable as I, the Voice of Reason, have been skeptical about the existence of nanites. I’m not talking about the kind of nanites found in chemtrails—those are real. I’m talking about the nanites alleged by some to be in consumer products such as Dove shampoo and Pepsi. But then I found the Real Truth™. Yes, I had an epiphany, and, quite frankly, this truth was very difficult for me to accept, but unfortunately there is no other explanation for how Palmolive is tough on grease but soft on hands.

These nanites are covered in bioreceptors, known as Hod Or Anthropod Xylometrical Endpoint Sensors (HOAXES. Such an unfortunate acronym, but all of readme can assure you that HOAXES are real. We saw them with our own eyes.) engineered at the CDC and NIH with funding provided by the Bilderberg group. The NHTs can sense whether or not they are on a human hand. Now, this may sound harmless, and, for the time being, it is. But think about what could happen. What if the government instead programmed the Palmolive nanites to read your fingerprints and send them to the suspect terrorist database? This could indeed be part of the New World Order, in which a One World Government controls who can fly on a plane, who can cross international borders, and, by simply reprogramming the Palmolive nanites, can prevent the undesirables from rising to power.

I do not intend to scare you, dear reader. I only want to protect you. I want to help you protect yourself and protect your family. That’s why I developed my patented technology, NanoGloves, to come to your rescue. Before touching any suspect dish liquid, simply don these spiffy hand-coverings and you’ll be protected. Coated with a layer of Hod Or Anthropod Xylometrical Endpoint Resisting Sleeves (HOAXERS. Again, a rather unfortunate acronym, but I swear they work. Just ask one of our over 10,000 satisfied customers*), these gloves literally stop the nanites in their tracks. Order yours today for only $39.99 by calling 1-800-867-5309. But wait! There’s more! Order within the next four business days and receive [redacted].

*we were unable to sell any NanoGloves, thus there are no customers

“Deep Learning” Revealed to be Elaborate Pyramid Scheme

by Daniel Bork, Startup Shut-Downer

Tech stocks were roiled Monday when the Canadian Securities and Exchange Commission reported that the up-and-coming computer science subfield of “deep learning” was, in fact, a type of massively parallel financial fraud known as a pyramid scheme. Ringleader Geoffrey Hinton of the University of Toronto seemed to confess his involvement in an interview with federal prosecutors last month, the transcript of which was made public at his Monday court hearing.

“It’s all a great big lie,” said Hinton when pressed to explain inconsistent results claimed by the alleged breakthrough. “It was just a few MATLAB scripts and a lot of compiler tricks. I’m finished.” Hinton went on to detail the byzantine financial shell game that he and his accountants used to mislead backers and regulatory agencies, in which so-called “hidden layers” of investors recruiting ever-growing numbers of new contributors into the scheme. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s how it is in Silicon Valley,” claimed Hinton. “Everyone thinks that somewhere in the chain of startups, corporations, and angel investors is a real technology that actually does something, but nope. It’s just suckers all the way down.”

According to the investigation’s report, many promising “deep learning” applications that have received popular press, such as Google’s “DeepMind” software, may actually be little more than flashy demonstrations designed to attract investors while papering over the lack of any real technical achievement. “Yeah, it can make pretty pictures,” Hinton confessed, “and maybe beat a few people at board games, but that’s about it. It’s just a buzzword. It doesn’t solve any real problems for anyone.”

“You can’t just tack the word ‘deep’ onto any phrase and expect that to somehow make it more profound,” added Hinton, “and, obviously, machines can’t learn. Come on, people.”

Reactions across the tech world were mixed, ranging from horrified apocalyptic pronouncements to more sedate, reassuring apocalyptic pronouncements. PayPal cofounder Peter Thiel, for instance, comforted an audience of troubled graduate students at Berkeley’s Machine Intelligence Research Institute by stating that, while “the glorious dawning age of the Singularity may dawn a bit later than expected,” he nevertheless expected that “the generous contributions of our friends at the Trump Administration will keep every one of your projects funded bigly (sic) for decades to come”. The White House did not respond to requests for comment.

Could the CAPS Mobile Air Quality Lab be Something More Sinister

by Spencer Early, Psychotronic Whistleblower

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Members of the CMU community have likely noticed the large truck and van in the CFA parking lot, emblazoned with “CAPS Mobile Air Quality Lab”, along with what is purported to be data collection equipment—the antenna-looking things wired up to the van. However, according to readme investigators, this is not an air quality lab. Judging by the ominous apparatus pointed towards the sky, with cables snaking around, connecting to the back of the van, readme sees something quite foreboding. This is not an air quality lab, but a mind control testing ground. With the branching out of CaPS (Counseling and Psychological Services), a new front group called CAPS (Center for Atmospheric Particle Studies) has been rather unimaginatively created.

According to an informer from CaPS, CAPS will work with CaPS in order to “expand the services and availability of CaPS. Some students may afraid to seek counseling from CaPS for themselves, so we have launched CAPS so we can reach out to them. We are in testing phase, so passersby (or anyone who goes to CMU) may experience significant mental discomfort. However, we can assure you we will perfect our system to provide quality counseling services for anyone within range.”

So is there really evidence that the “Air quality lab” is really a mind control center? The reporters at readme were fortunate enough to discover a first-hand account of strange activities occurring near the site of the supposed air quality lab. Freshman Kenny Harvey claims he was walking by the van, when out of the blue “[I] felt this sort of dread. Something just felt wrong. There must be something going on in [that van]. Or maybe it was just me remembering all the looming 112 assessments.”

Obama Visits CMU: What the Tartan Won’t Tell You

by Spencer Early

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What many believe to be our President’s White House Frontiers Conference may not be the case. Mr. Obama’s visit, scheduled for Thursday October 13, is actually the beginning of his clandestine plan to cover up the moon landing. This may sound absurd, but is there any real evidence that this may be true? The traditional conspiracy theory states that Americans landed on the Moon in July 1969, but What Really Happened?

Over the past five years, readme’s anonymous source, dubbed the Edward Snowden of the Millennium, who has Class AAA clearance at the State Department, National Security Agency, and the Bilderberg Group, handed over 300,000 classified documents revealing the truth, more than twice the scale of the Panama Papers… While readme’s chief investigative journalist was writing this story on Google Docs, he noticed a strange glimmer coming from Stever and – POOF! – his Internet connection was lost. It is a clear indication of Hillary’s people at the NSA tampering with the revelation of truth. An investigation ensued, in which detective Conan Scobell discovered a dossier of historical documents of Stever. Of major importance was one titled “Mankind’s Greatest Hoax – Faked Moon Landing”, describing the staged moon landing recorded right here on the fifth floor of Stever on Thursday October 13, 1969. Interestingly, Mr. Obama will be visiting campus on Thursday October 13. While even the finest readme sociologists do not know Obama’s intentions, we believe he is visiting so that he can cover up the Moon landing hoax.

A common feature between Stever and the moon landing is the prominent placement of a flag. But Stever has another flag as well. The arboreal flag. Stever’s theme of green housing is a clear indication of its support for this administration’s stance on climate change and Agenda 21. Why is Stever being the government’s lapdog and mouthpiece? Could it be that the government orchestrated the moon landing hoax there and continually provides funding to Stever to keep their mouths shut? The answer from our sources is an unequivocal ‘yes’. In fact, the true reason Obama is visiting campus is to renegotiate the contract with Stever on the depraved 47th anniversary of the moon landing farce. Stever has spoiled its fifteen-billion-dollar funding on conducting illegal tactics aimed at winning House Wars.  The reason for Stever’s shady relationship with the government and its approval of the government’s most flagrant lies? Could it be that the government sponsored the moon landing hoax in Stever?

But there is one crucial question: Stever was supposedly built in 2006, but the moon landing supposedly occurred in 1969. How could the American government fake the moon landing in a place that did not exist? One possible explanation is lunar aliens, also known as “moonies”. To the untrained eye, Stever appears quite normal, possibly even drab. But new freshman Stever resident Michelle Hopkins spotted new evidence. Instead of participating in House Wars, she admitted to communicating with moonies behind her locked door. The next morning, Hopkins discovered a note from a moony that read “read the final secret”.

Our sources have told us this is a bigger conspiracy and he/she/they will disclose more information after he/she/they find/s a sanctuary.

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