CMU Declares War on USC

by Ben Kaplan

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Last week, whilst huddled in the Carnegie Mellon Situation Room in the bottom of Warner Hall, President Suresh broke news that the administration desperately did not want to hear: the new rankings were in and CMU went down by one.

Previously, CMU was locked in a four-way tie for 23rd. Now, however, CMU is still locked in three-way tie, but USC has broken past and claimed the 23rd spot.

“Carnegie Mellon will continue to pursue innovative research and rigorous academics that push the bounds of knowledge, regardless of our ranking. That being said, the so-called ‘University of Spoiled Children’ must be eviscerated.” declared Suresh.

President Suresh did not elaborate how this would be accomplished, but rumor has it that each school has been tasked with proposing their own methodology. Already, the School of Computer Science has penetrated USC systems and is waiting for the go ahead to (digitally) erase them from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, CIT and Mellon are working on their plans to destroy USC with an engineered earthquake and engineered virus respectively. Tepper plans to launch a targeted viral negative ad campaign against “the University of Spoiled Children,” and CFA has devised an art exhibit “rejecting the Southern California lifestyle for its lack of motivational constructs and embrace of ‘total chillness’ for being ill-defined and cliché since the 90s.” Dietrich plans on flooding the USC campus with “lots and lots of glue.” When asked how they would acquire, transport, and position such large quantities of glue, our source claimed, “The engineers in CIT will figure it out.”

Plans involving the partial or wholesale destruction of the surrounding Los Angeles metropolitan area are not only permitted, but encouraged, since UCLA (currently also locked in the three-way tie with CMU) would be part of the collateral, and as President Suresh gleefully pointed out, eviscerating both would “kill two birds with one stone.”

Could the CAPS Mobile Air Quality Lab be Something More Sinister

by Spencer Early, Psychotronic Whistleblower

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Members of the CMU community have likely noticed the large truck and van in the CFA parking lot, emblazoned with “CAPS Mobile Air Quality Lab”, along with what is purported to be data collection equipment—the antenna-looking things wired up to the van. However, according to readme investigators, this is not an air quality lab. Judging by the ominous apparatus pointed towards the sky, with cables snaking around, connecting to the back of the van, readme sees something quite foreboding. This is not an air quality lab, but a mind control testing ground. With the branching out of CaPS (Counseling and Psychological Services), a new front group called CAPS (Center for Atmospheric Particle Studies) has been rather unimaginatively created.

According to an informer from CaPS, CAPS will work with CaPS in order to “expand the services and availability of CaPS. Some students may afraid to seek counseling from CaPS for themselves, so we have launched CAPS so we can reach out to them. We are in testing phase, so passersby (or anyone who goes to CMU) may experience significant mental discomfort. However, we can assure you we will perfect our system to provide quality counseling services for anyone within range.”

So is there really evidence that the “Air quality lab” is really a mind control center? The reporters at readme were fortunate enough to discover a first-hand account of strange activities occurring near the site of the supposed air quality lab. Freshman Kenny Harvey claims he was walking by the van, when out of the blue “[I] felt this sort of dread. Something just felt wrong. There must be something going on in [that van]. Or maybe it was just me remembering all the looming 112 assessments.”

Obama Visits CMU: What the Tartan Won’t Tell You

by Spencer Early

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What many believe to be our President’s White House Frontiers Conference may not be the case. Mr. Obama’s visit, scheduled for Thursday October 13, is actually the beginning of his clandestine plan to cover up the moon landing. This may sound absurd, but is there any real evidence that this may be true? The traditional conspiracy theory states that Americans landed on the Moon in July 1969, but What Really Happened?

Over the past five years, readme’s anonymous source, dubbed the Edward Snowden of the Millennium, who has Class AAA clearance at the State Department, National Security Agency, and the Bilderberg Group, handed over 300,000 classified documents revealing the truth, more than twice the scale of the Panama Papers… While readme’s chief investigative journalist was writing this story on Google Docs, he noticed a strange glimmer coming from Stever and – POOF! – his Internet connection was lost. It is a clear indication of Hillary’s people at the NSA tampering with the revelation of truth. An investigation ensued, in which detective Conan Scobell discovered a dossier of historical documents of Stever. Of major importance was one titled “Mankind’s Greatest Hoax – Faked Moon Landing”, describing the staged moon landing recorded right here on the fifth floor of Stever on Thursday October 13, 1969. Interestingly, Mr. Obama will be visiting campus on Thursday October 13. While even the finest readme sociologists do not know Obama’s intentions, we believe he is visiting so that he can cover up the Moon landing hoax.

A common feature between Stever and the moon landing is the prominent placement of a flag. But Stever has another flag as well. The arboreal flag. Stever’s theme of green housing is a clear indication of its support for this administration’s stance on climate change and Agenda 21. Why is Stever being the government’s lapdog and mouthpiece? Could it be that the government orchestrated the moon landing hoax there and continually provides funding to Stever to keep their mouths shut? The answer from our sources is an unequivocal ‘yes’. In fact, the true reason Obama is visiting campus is to renegotiate the contract with Stever on the depraved 47th anniversary of the moon landing farce. Stever has spoiled its fifteen-billion-dollar funding on conducting illegal tactics aimed at winning House Wars.  The reason for Stever’s shady relationship with the government and its approval of the government’s most flagrant lies? Could it be that the government sponsored the moon landing hoax in Stever?

But there is one crucial question: Stever was supposedly built in 2006, but the moon landing supposedly occurred in 1969. How could the American government fake the moon landing in a place that did not exist? One possible explanation is lunar aliens, also known as “moonies”. To the untrained eye, Stever appears quite normal, possibly even drab. But new freshman Stever resident Michelle Hopkins spotted new evidence. Instead of participating in House Wars, she admitted to communicating with moonies behind her locked door. The next morning, Hopkins discovered a note from a moony that read “read the final secret”.

Our sources have told us this is a bigger conspiracy and he/she/they will disclose more information after he/she/they find/s a sanctuary.

The Black Chairs vs. The Brown Chairs: New Addition to the UC Sparks Fierce Campus Rivalry

by Ben Kaplan

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Tensions are rising on campus following the latest outbreak of hateful acts between supporters of the Black Chairs and the Brown Chairs. Those optimistic about the impact of the new university center addition on campus have seen their hopes dashed by the leather-feud between the two furniture clusters.

Animosity between the Black Chairs and the Brown Chairs dates back to ancient times—back when the leathers covering their frames were still cows and bulls capable of literally locking horns or mooing at each other in a disdaining fashion non-respectively.

Students and faculty were initially hopeful that the two sides could put aside their difference and learn to sit aside one another here in Carnegie Mellon’s tolerant, progressive, post-factional campus community, but this has sadly not been the case. Already, students have begin taking sides and reports of spiteful acts have proliferated, with several documented cases of students putting their shoes on the bare-leather of the chairs and even some alleged acts of students deliberately spilling coffee on unsuspecting chairs.

“The Black Chairs are oversized and ugly and totally don’t mesh with the surrounding interior décor!” says one student enrolled in Carnegie Mellon School of Design (which is actually a department that’s part of the College of Fine Arts) who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the CMU P.C. Police would lock her in Wean Hall if her identity was disclosed.

Responding to the above comments, the Black Chairs promotion group Black Chair Matter More retorted: “Black Chairs are way more comfortable than those petite bony squares that call themselves chairs sitting in their posh new UC addition with their fancy built-in electrical outlets. Black Chairs were here first and were doing just fine before the brown chairs moved into the UC and started taking the Black Chair’s jobs” (which were providing a convenient place for students to meet up and browse their phones for forty minutes when they’re too lazy to go back to their dorms after ingesting a burrito at El Gallo D’Oro)!

Despite all the hostility however, some students are working to bridge the gap between the North and South side of the UC. Tony, a senior member of a club that’s been meeting at the Black Chairs for years, and Maria, a sophomore whose sorority holds weekly ABP (Au Bon Pain) coffee socials at the Brown Chairs, recently made their romantic relationship Facebook official in a gesture of inter-chair unity after having to meet surreptitiously in Wiegand Gymnasium all summer. “Whether on the Black Chairs or The Brown Chairs, we’re down to plop down and sit intimately together while making other students uncomfortable “ proclaimed Tony. However, the couple has not gotten off Scott free for their perceived transgression “Despite having followed our hearts, Tony was tragically punished by his club when they removed him from their main mailing list, and has had to get by via messaging other members on Facebook, some of whom have waited over a day to reply” explained Maria.

After having binge-watched 9 episodes of Parks and Recreation while seated in a new Brown Chair, this readme journalist can ascertain that the Brown Chairs are less comfortable than the Black Chairs, though still pretty comfy. However, some students I spoke with feel that “Black Chairs are TOO big” and comfortable, with one senior noting that that once “[she] sits black, [she’s] too comfy to get back-up.”

In order to counter rising tensions, administration just announced that they are hosting a Chair Cohabitation Seminar in order to promote peaceful sitting, and in a prepared statement, President Suresh declared that “We believe that the two sides can reach an accord in accordance with CMU’s values of tolerance and openness to types of chair—and in the event an accord cannot be reached we’ll have no choice but to relocate that chairs to Wean Hall and Hamerschlag House on opposite sides of campus. Can’t have this $#!+ happening when President Obama arrives! ”

Captain CMU to Join Avengers after Marvell Settlement

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Kwanpo Cheng, Super Correspondent

After a seven-year legal battle, Carnegie Mellon and Marvell Technology have finally reached a deal for a massive $750 million payment. Additionally, a new original hero would be added to Marvell’s Avengers lineup and will be featured in the upcoming Avengers titles, Infinity War before starring in a solo film.

CMU President Dr. Subra Suresh broke news on the patent infringement suit between CMU and Marvell in a mass email to alumni. As a life-long fan of comics, Suresh is excited for movie-debut of Captain CMU.

“I have been working on the design of Captain CMU for as long as I can remember,” Suresh wrote. “This is a revolutionary step toward expanding the accessibility of our computer science program through a relatable superhero with powers that can educate children and adults alike.”

A quick sketch is attached to the email, depicting the initial designs for Captain CMU wearing a tartan cape and living with a pet terrier on campus. Despite extremely high programming course-loads, Captain CMU still finds the time to balance homework, friends, and saving the world. Various professors from the university offer advice on controlling the computer-science-related superpowers.

Students initially expressed concern for how Marvel became involved in the lawsuit, but became enthusiastic upon seeing the concept designs. Junior Justin Sudha says, “I loved seeing Captain CMU battling the Wean transformer on the Fence, then rushing off to class—in Wean! It does not get any more CMU than that.”

According to a university press release, the legal team fought for years to include Captain CMU in the lineup despite opposition from Marvell stating, “We are not Marvel Studios, please do not confuse us with something completely different.”

Marvell Technology is a global producer of storage, communications, and consumer semiconductor products. After the settlement, CEO Sehat Sutardja expressed shock and confusion to the decision, saying, “I honestly don’t understand how this happened.”

Upon hearing the news, Daisy Ridley and Matt Damon have both expressed interest in the role. Critics believe their experience in action films will come in handy. The two-part Infinity War movies are set to be released in May 2018, with the solo film released by 2020.

What Is Lunar Gala?

If you don’t know what it is, the name Lunar Gala could mean anything. We asked students what they thought it meant.

• A pagan ritual under the winter sky

• One of those things people in Greek life do

• A new nocturnal subspecies of apple

• Multi-billion dollar NASA initiative to throw a totally bangin’ party in the Sea of Tranquility

• Multi-billion dollar NASA initiative to throw a kind of mediocre party in the Sea of Tranquility

• It’s not real. CMU TV faked the Lunar Gala on a soundstage in Arizona

• A female-centric celebreation (it’s a “gal”-a, after all) of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter

• Alternatively, a female-centric celebration of Miles Luna from Rooster Teeth

• A normal gala, held outside, but every once in a while someone points up to the sky and shouts, “THE MOOOOON!” and everyone howls at the sky like a wolf

• A coming out cotillion ball for celestial life forms

What Cohon will do when he retires?

1. Fight crime full-time

2. Star as a new actor in old movies

3. Wait tables at Denny’s

4. Take classes at CMU as a non-degree student

5. Become the new Jared for Subway.

6. Sit in front of his fireplace, swirling brandy in a glass a la Mr. Burns, and con- template his life.

7. Finally figure out what this 251 thing is.

8. Go to petting zoos, but not to pet. Just to watch

9. Return to his slumber… until he is needed again.

10. Ride off into the sunset on a white horse. Sadly, he will never learn that he left the stablegirl pregnant.

11. Wait for the Heat Death of the Universe so that he may begin again.

12. Volunteer to build new academic build- ings and dorms with his bare hands

13. Fill all the bottlecap holes in Wean

14. Tastefully decorate the steam tunnels

15. Finally cut loose at Carnival

16. Rename more colleges

17. JOIN README

18. Train the scotty dog to bark “in Scottish”

19. Start a one-man bagpipe band

20. Ascends to a higher state of being

21. Becomes a Barbarian

22. Climb Walkin into the Sky

23. Just keep digging and digging and dig- ging . . .