More Accurate Names for CMU Classes

by Mark Saporta, Most Reliable Source of CMU Knowledge

Interp: High School English Redux

Intro to Philosophy: Freshman Self-Righteousness Seminar

Elementary Japanese: Weeb Trash 101

Concepts of Mathematics: Lern 2 Pruf

Calc III: Because Double Integration Wasn’t Tedious Enough

DPAPI: Literally Just AP GoPo

Reason, Passion, and Cognition: Four Months of Extremely Intuitive Psychology

Behavioral Decision Making: The Same Thing, Again

Behavioral Econ and Public Policy: America Sucks! The Class

Intermediate Microeconomics: WHOOPS ECON REQUIRES CALC

Intermediate Macroeconomics: Have Fun With 12-Variable Equations, Asshole!

Financial Crises and Risk: The 2008 Recession! The Class

Public Economics: Macro, but a Third as Difficult

Game Theory for Economists: Surprise! It’s Literally Just Math

Writing for Economists: Formatting is Ninety Percent of Your Grade

Stat 201, 202: Barely Even Worth Attending

Intro to Probability: WHOOPS STATISTICS REQUIRES CALC

Econometrics I and II: Statistics, But Presented Confusingly

15-110: CS for Future Presidents

15-112: Basically a Part-Time Job, but You’re Paying to Do It

15-251: CS Theory Hell

15-213: Systems Hell

15-410: 9th Circle of CS Hell

15-418: All 9 Circles of Systems Hell at Once

The Likeness of Matrix Algebra and Rugby to Water and Oil

by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyance Correspondent

2016-10-07-1

To the student watching rugby in the front row of their matrix algebra recitation: we do not advise this.

Not because we think that you should be a model student and pay attention in your classes, no. But if it’s a recitation that immediately follows an exam that we aren’t getting back until the end of that week and attendance isn’t taken, then we see no reason for you to do your sports viewing in class.

Perhaps for those of us who don’t sports, it is not so difficult to ignore the enthralling urgency with which these muscular men lunge for a ball. If our readers are among those people, and don’t know what rugby is, they should think American football on steroids. Oh, wait.

But for those of us who lived in the middle of nowhere and still got phone calls from neighbors asking us if everything was alright because of the screams emanating from our house during the World Cup, watching any sport in silence without becoming enraged at the ref’s inability to see that the opposing team is offside or undoubtedly faking an injury feels inherently wrong.

 This means that when you sit in the front row with your screen projecting moving sports pictures, those of us fitting into the second category have a very difficult time not giving away your non-academic viewing—not flinching at every missed drop goal or particularly painful-looking diving tackle.

 So on behalf of your peers, we ask you—no, we implore you—to please take your sports viewing elsewhere.

Professors Move Finals to Second Week

According to an email sent out to CMU students this past week, a number of professors from various departments have decided to move up their final exams. Instead of following the usual course schedule, these professors are making CMU history by re-scheduling their finals to the second week of classes. readme contacted a number of these revolutionaries in order to better understand what was taking place.

Instructor Smith, who teaches a section of Interpretation and Argument, says her decision was based off the fact that “if these brat—I mean young people—can’t write an essay now, then there is no hope for them 12 weeks from now.” readme thought this was a good point, but then had a question. Wasn’t it Instructor Smith’s job to teach students to write a better essay? “Oh that’s what everyone says, but these students had years to figure it out. This is college, not the SATs.”

readme hoped that it would have better luck interviewing a member of the statistics department, Professor John. When asked why he made such a drastic change to the syllabus, the professor began to tear up, and said that he felt he had no choice. “Students these days, I don’t know what to do with them! They are either asleep, on Facebook, or posting pictures of sleeping students on Facebook! I’m not sure they even know what class they’re in…”

After that dismal meeting, readme was becoming convinced that CMU professors had given up. Still, there was a chance maybe one of the professors had a legitimate reason to have their finals early. The last professor wished to remain anonymous, but eventually won readme over. She said that she moved the exams up so that she could stop coming in for her 8 AM class three times a week. Again, readme pointed out that teaching is her job, to which she angrily responded that she had never seen any of her students. “They just don’t come to class! Ever! I’m supposed to have 50 students, but I’m starting to think they don’t exist. Do you know what it feels like to lecture a bunch of chairs? Chairs don’t give two shits about history!” readme thought to itself, “neither do the students,” but decided not to share.

readme is forced to conclude that perhaps classes are simply obsolete. if no one is paying attention or going to classes, why do they even bother existing? However, since it was coming up on a holiday weekend, readme decided it didn’t have time for existential questions and has given up trying to understand anything. Instead, it went to parties (see Students Enjoy Three-Day Weekend, above).

Reasons CMU Might Cancel Classes

• Too much snow. ‘Too much’ here is defined as ‘snowiest winter on record’, aka February 2010.

• Apocalypse

• Game of Thrones gets canceled

• Russia invades Margaret Morrison

• The people on Walking to the Sky start moving

• Freshmen can’t navigate Doherty, professors give up.

• Carnegie Mellon revealed to be enormous mass delusion

• Carnegie Mellon revealed to be purgatory

• Because fuck you, that’s why

• President Suresh becomes a communist, transforms CMU into a classless society

• Singularity reached, CMU’s purpose achieved

• Wean Hall finally transforms

• Batman sequel filmed on campus

• Philosophers finally prove that we can never truly know ourselves or anything around us and thus school is meaningless

• CMU students too cool for school

• readme finishes a list, causing Suresh to lose a bet against the popular satire paper. He is forced to declare a snow day.