Readme Reviews: Samsung Galaxy S8

by Mark Saporta, readme Tech Review Editor

Samsung’s newest cell phone in its long-running Galaxy line is slated for release in under a month, and we at readme’s Tech Review Division have gotten our hands on a leaked prototype. We are excited to bring you this early review of what is already shaping up to be a revolutionary product in the world of telecommunications:

The Galaxy S8 is, first and foremost, a phone. You can make calls using it, and you can text your friends using the phone’s built-in SMS application. The Galaxy S8 also supports many other applications, which run the gamut from social media to exercise to games. Many applications come pre-installed on the phone, but there are thousands of others that can be installed to it from the internet. This heavy focus on applications may seem overwhelming at first, but it quickly sets the utility and flexibility of the S8 apart from the competition.

Perhaps the most interesting and novel feature of the Galaxy S8 is its large touch screen, which takes up nearly the entire front of the phone. Virtually all the functions of the phone are accessed by using this touch screen, with the exception of a “home button” that allows the user to return to the main screen. Using the touch screen is incredibly intuitive, and obviates the need for the clumsy keyboard-based navigation that so many phones currently rely on.

Another major upgrade present in the Galaxy S8 is the ability to access the internet on the go. With the purchase of a monthly data plan, Galaxy S8 users will no longer be tied down to WiFi hotspots; they will be able to surf the Web, check their Myspace pages and watch the hottest new online videos wherever they have a cell signal.

With all this advanced technology packed in, you may expect the portability of the Galaxy S8 to suffer somewhat. Amazingly enough, this couldn’t be further from the truth: the S8 will be among the thinnest and lightest phones on the market. It easily and comfortably fits both in the hand and in the pocket, and its sleek, minimalistic design is very appealing. The one downside it faces is a battery life substantially lower than Razr or BlackBerry users may be familiar with, but this is more than outweighed by its increased functionality.

Overall, we at readme’s Tech Review Division believe the Samsung Galaxy S8 represents a massive step forward in cell phone technology. With its touch screen, internet capabilities, and thin, lightweight design, it is leaps and bounds above both previous versions of the Galaxy and virtually all the competition. At $399, the Galaxy S8 is certainly not cheap, but the cost is more than worth paying to join what is shaping up to be the future of portable communication.

readme Review: Highly recommended

Interview with a Martian

Back in June, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that it was unconstitutional for the police to search one’s cell phone without a warrant, on the ground that today’s cell phones contain so much personal information that to allow police unrestricted access would be a gross violation of privacy. In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Roberts went so far as to remark that “[cell phones] are now such a pervasive and insistent part of daily life that the proverbial visitor from Mars might conclude they were an important feature of human anatomy.”

 

Well, readme has never been one to shy away from one-upping Supreme Court Justices, so we’ve done him one better and contacted a real life Martian to see if he agrees with Roberts’ assertion.

 

“WHAT IS THIS PRIMITIVE ‘TWITTER’ YOU EARTHLINGS UTILIZE,” said Gorblax [??] after we sent him a tweet asking for an interview. “OUR MARTIAN HASHTAGS OPERATE IN THREE DIMENSIONS SIMULTANEOUSLY! #MARTIANS_RULE #EARTHLINGS_DROOL #LOL”

 

Despite Gorblax’s general scorn for our inferior bird-based social media platforms, he consented to talk with us about our recent Supreme Court rulings. “AH, YES,” said Gorblax. “THE SCALIA EARTHLING IS MOST ENTERTAINING. [???]

 

Gorblax reported that he was pleased with the decision to protect cell phones from searches without warrant, and also with the recent Hobby Lobby ruling that corporations were allowed to withhold contraceptives on religious grounds. What confused readme was that, for some reason, Gorblax seemed to have the impression the two rulings were somehow related.

 

When asked to elaborate, he explained, “IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU EARTHLINGS HAVE FINALLY RECOGNIZED THE INFERIORITY OF YOUR HUMAN UTERUSES TO THEIR TECHNOLOGICAL COUNTERPARTS. WE ON MARS TRANSCENDED OUR PUNY MEATBODIES LONG AGO AND NOW EXIST IN A STATE OF DIGITAL PERFECTION #MARTIANS_RULE_AGAIN #EMBRACE_THE_SINGULARITY #ALL_GLORY_TO_THE_HYPNOTOAD”

 

On the other hand, Gorblax was horrified by the ruling that the EPA could continue regulating greenhouse gas emissions from stationary sources. “WHAT,” he tweeted. “NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT. WITHOUT ENOUGH GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, WE WON’T BE ABLE TO FOCUS THE SUN’S RAYS ON YOUR POLAR ICE CAPS IN PREPARATION FOR THE INVAS—I MEAN, THE UH, PARTY. THE MARTIAN PARTY WE WILL THROW FOR YOU WHEN YOU EARTHLINGS GET ENOUGH GREENHOUSE GASES. THAT ONE. GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH ANYWAYS, I WOULDN’T WORRY TOO MUCH. #TEACH_THE_CONTROVERSY #NO_INVASION_HERE #IN_FACT_FORGET_I_SAID_ANYTHING”