Spencer Early, Campus Correspondent
Charles Li, Roommate Reporter
On November 5, the Tartan Express fled CMU in an effort to keep a water tank from exploding. When the truck arrived at the service station, first responders first noticed an overpowering smell of potatoes. Upon opening the gas cap, hundreds of spuds spilled out.
It was apparent that it was a sabotage, possibly even a assassination attempt of the cook.The water inlet was thoroughly clogged with banana peelings, which contain dangerous levels of potassium. As everybody knows, potassium reacts explosively with water, so it was a good thing that there hadn’t actually been any flowing water available in the truck.
Campus police reported a disturbance at Housing Services last week. First-year Ima Payne was overheard throwing a temper tantrum over their room selection, demanding to be paired with someone else.
“Why the hell does CMU’s roommate selection get people so wrong? My life’s been hard enough getting here, and yet I have to deal with this shit?” they reportedly screamed at the housing staff, after attempting to slam all the door handles used to test keycards.
When police arrived, Payne was still going. “How would you like it with dirty dishes, rotting food, and laundry everywhere? Don’t even get me started on how gross the bathroom is!” As they were taking the suspect into custody, Payne could be heard shouting, “Ugh, living in a single is the WORST choice I ever made!”
A child reported missing 13 years ago in Alabama has resurfaced in the basement of Doherty. The Coast Guard (or whoever it is who searches for missing children) had given up after the seven-year deadline passed, and the minor was listed as “dead” instead of missing. Because, you know, surviving for 2555 days is relatively likely, but 2556 days is just one too many.
However, sometime in the wee hours between November 9th and 10th, FMS employee Jack Powers was mopping the floor of Doherty bowling alley when he heard a rustling of a camo tarp. Investigating further through the doorway to the art display case, he found that one of the figures was really a person.
Apparently, while on a campus visit for an older sibling, the child had wandered into the halls of Doherty and gotten lost. They survived the past 13 years on the leavings of art students and by trading colored pieces of cloth for food with the participants of CtFwS.