Campus Briefs

Compiled by:

Spencer Early, Campus Correspondent

Charles Li, Roommate Reporter

 

On November 5, the Tartan Express fled CMU in an effort to keep a water tank from exploding. When the truck arrived at the service station, first responders first noticed an overpowering smell of potatoes. Upon opening the gas cap, hundreds of spuds spilled out.

It was apparent that it was a sabotage, possibly even a assassination attempt of the cook.The water inlet was thoroughly clogged with banana peelings, which contain dangerous levels of potassium. As everybody knows, potassium reacts explosively with water, so it was a good thing that there hadn’t actually been any flowing water available in the truck.

 

Campus police reported a disturbance at Housing Services last week. First-year Ima Payne was overheard throwing a temper tantrum over their room selection, demanding to be paired with someone else.

“Why the hell does CMU’s roommate selection get people so wrong? My life’s been hard enough getting here, and yet I have to deal with this shit?” they reportedly screamed at the housing staff, after attempting to slam all the door handles used to test keycards.

When police arrived, Payne was still going. “How would you like it with dirty dishes, rotting food, and laundry everywhere? Don’t even get me started on how gross the bathroom is!” As they were taking the suspect into custody, Payne could be heard shouting, “Ugh, living in a single is the WORST choice I ever made!”

 

A child reported missing 13 years ago in Alabama has resurfaced in the basement of Doherty. The Coast Guard (or whoever it is who searches for missing children) had given up after the seven-year deadline passed, and the minor was listed as “dead” instead of missing. Because, you know, surviving for 2555 days is relatively likely, but 2556 days is just one too many.

However, sometime in the wee hours between November 9th and 10th, FMS employee Jack Powers was mopping the floor of Doherty bowling alley when he heard a rustling of a camo tarp. Investigating further through the doorway to the art display case, he found that one of the figures was really a person.

Apparently, while on a campus visit for an older sibling, the child had wandered into the halls of Doherty and gotten lost. They survived the past 13 years on the leavings of art students and by trading colored pieces of cloth for food with the participants of CtFwS.

CMU Pledges to Protect All Students (from the Law)

In December The American Civil Liberties Union (better known by its acronym: the ACLU) filed a complaint against Carnegie Mellon  for failing to  take  the appropriate measures to ensure the safety of a student  after “her abusive ex-girlfriend violated its sexual assault policy”. 

More recently, the U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights (OCR) put out a list of universities and colleges that are under investigation for violating sexual assault and harassment policies. That list includes our fine school. 

readme was so surprised to realize that CMU had been mishandling these issues. Filing a complaint with the university has always been so easy, and the university has been so attentive to making sure complaints are addressed quickly and thoroughly, like last year when in response to growing concerns about the mental well-being of the student body, the administration after months of deliberation agreed to open CAPS for a whole extra hour each day.

CMU was added to the OCR’s list presumably as a direct result of the ACLU complaint. Shortly after the student broke off her relationship with the girl who had sexually assaulted her several times, she went to Carnegie Mellon’s administration which orchestrated a “university-mediated agreement to end contact except when needed for academic purposes.” 

The contract seemed to have little to no effect since the ex-girlfriend moved in across the hall from the student shortly thereafter. The student filed a complaint with the CMU police who took no particular action beyond notifying the ex-girlfriend of the complaint.

“We don’t understand what this complaint is about,” said an unnamed university official. “We had them fill out the contract.”

When readme pointed out that the contract had about as little effect as those roommate contract they make you fill out freshmen year, the official responded, “Exactly! When someone stays up later that they said they would on their contract we don’t kick them out of school!”

After it was determined that the ex-girlfriend “had violated the University’s sexual assault policy”, CMU graciously allowed the no-contact agreement to stand with the addition of counseling for the ex-girlfriend. 

 

“The ex-girlfriend is clearly a troubled soul,” reasoned the official. “It isn’t Carnegie Mellon’s policy to destroyed a student’s life based on the only somewhat-very-confirmed allegations of another.” 

 

The two girls remained in most of the same activities and the student who had filed the complaint withdrew from much of her campus involvement in order to protect herself.

 

“Essentially,” continued the official, “what we’re saying is that we don’t trust the students enough to believe that they know when they’re suffering. We’ll be the judge of that.”

 

He then announced that the university would be releasing a set of online Frequent Crying Evaluations to help the administration receive a comprehensive, non-biased review of the levels of suffering faced by students at the university. “Because nobody would ever lie on those, right?”

New YA Novel by Student: “The Booths”

readme recently interviewed Psychology major Tiffany Whitepersonname to an interview and to share an excerpt of her new YA dystopian thriller starring a normal looking, but like pretty and white, girl who saves the world. 

The book is based in a near-apocalyptic society where children, at the age of 17, have to decide what to do with the rest of their lives. Their choices are additionally severely limited by a series of harrowing academic tests they must undergo throughout their education as young adults. The more scarred these young people are at time of their choosing, the more choices they will have. 

Our hero, or should we say heroine, is the toughest of these brave individuals and her choices are endless. She chooses her destination. Cutthroat Murders University. Otherwise known as “CMU”. Her name?  Well, her parents named her “Elizabeth”, but those around her, worshipping her, call her

Zabeth 

Little to Zabeth’s knowledge, the tests only get worse after the choosing. She goes through the first year of her harrowing trials. Throughout that time she hears increasing rumors. Some celebratory. Some fearful, exhausted. And it’s called Carnival. 

Carnival approaches, and Zabeth swallows bile. She thinks of her first love interest. The dark one from home. and by dark we still mean white but like with black hair and a large browline. And she thinks of her second love interest. The one she’s only met recently, who is less dark but also like still really cool and stuff. 

She knows she has to choose. But first she must survive Booth, where other Cutthroat Murderers construct the most impenetrable fort they can in a week while still juggling the other evaluations they have never become accustomed to. The booths are then judged by merit. If they fail, they suffer massive nervous breakdowns.

“That’s only the first book.” Whitepersonname explained to readme. “The next two in the trilogy are, like, darker and edgier. Zabeth swallows a lot of bile.” She teased her next two books, describing a scene in which Zabeth shows her empathy for a bunch of underprivleged “choiceless” people who happen to be like, brown people. “But it’s totally not a white savior thing. It’s just how Zabeth is.”

When asked why she decided to major in Psychology instead of Creative Writing with such grand ambitions for a trilogy, Whitepersonname replied that “you don’t need a writing degree to understand the human condition”. When readme followed up by asking if she had based any of the events in the story off of events she had observed here during her time at Carngie mellon University, she looked at it quizzically. “Why would you ask that? I don’t see the resemblance.”  

List: Carnival themes more vague than this year’s

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“Booth”

“Buggy”

“Carnival”

“F!!k It, Build Whatever You Want”

“The Universe”

“Philosophy”

“Stuff”

“Violate the shit out of copyright”

“(empty list)”

“Cultures”

“ Periods of time!”

“Readme’s charter”

“Things that can be represented by the intergers in Pi”

“We’re too tired to come up with a theme because we go to CMU”

“Memes”

“Themes”

“Values between 0 and infinity”

“Categories”

“Things College Kids Like”

 

Report: Google and Apple Not Very Good at Wage Fixing

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This is old news though it might surprise any number of people including those running major news publications across the country. Google and Apple (and allegedly several other big-name companies like Adobe, Ebay, Pixar, Intel, Intuit and Microsoft) artificially kept the wages of somewhere around a hundred thousand of their workers lower by agreeing to an under-the-table, unofficial no-hire arrangement wherein they would not seek to hire each others’ employees.This meant that the employees were not as competitive and could not get a better deal at a different company of the same stature.

All this information is available at readme’s fingertips, leading it to wonder if this all is some bizarre act of reverse psychology. The specific agreement in question between Apple and Google took place back in early 2005 and has since been largely ignored by consumers and corporations alike until recently when news of the lawsuit actually finally happening (wow) came to light.

The evidence of this reverse psychology goes deeper as the picture painted by the ever-increasing number of facts grows and that picture paints Steve Jobs wearing a pair of darkly colored goggles, a teardrop tattoo under one eye in black ink and sporting a Hitler-esque mustache.

Jobs was allegedly the center of the plot to enforce the no-hire rule. He strong-armed Adobe into joining the deal, responding to Adobe’s hiring some of his lower-level employees, “OK, I’ll tell our recruiters they are free to approach any Adobe employee who is not a Sr. Director or VP. Am I understanding your position correctly?” all whilst twiddling with his mustache and tying inDesign to a railroad track.

Really this should not have come as a surprise to anyone. I mean his name is Jobs. Steve Jobs. Like the supervillain “Steal Jobs”? Come one guys. This guy was worse at hiding it than Superman with his tiny glasses.

And this leads readme back to the reverse psychology thing. Google knew that it would be implicitly guilty for the crimes, even though Steal Jobs seems to be the instigator. Maybe it thinks that by remaining honest and allowing this information on its servers it would maintain some trust with its users, and be painted as the underdog startup it would still kind of like to be.

All the ruckus leaves readme to contemplate how the (old) scandal will affect Carnegie Mellon in the coming weeks and years. How will the companies know who’s been hired by who? How will we all get hired if Google thinks Apple owns our asses?

List: Things googled during readme offices

Seductive Bears

Phallic bears

Phallic names

Purple dildo

Guy in riot gear

Sad Leonardo DiCaprio

Drugs

“what is an ukraine”

Feminist Porn Star

Prison basketball

Obama

Random things to fill out lists

Emo hair

Bill Nye’s back

That one picture of rick perry and the corndog

Fred Phelps nude

The Onion writer’s manual

Creepy Andrew Carnegie

Flooded basements

Sad man

NSA red flag words

Vending machine disguise Japan

Pregnant woman host

Obama

Euphemisms for newspaper

Sad puppy commercials

List: Ways People Changed Over Winter Break

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Grew a soul

That one girl who you shared two classes with    last semester suddenly got a whole lot more beautiful.

Ate a couple of rare candies and evolved

Became cannibals

Became not sleep-deprived

Inexplicably decided to begin wearing a jester hat all the time

Changed the number on their phone and told everyone else but you

Bitten by a radioactive spider

Converted to Scientology

Transferred to a different major

Transferred to a different college

Emerged from their cocoon and now they’re a beautiful butterfly

Grew a coat of winter fur

Finally got that robot self to work and now they only live at CMU through Skype

Stockholm Syndrome at Carnegie Mellon

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Pictured: Stockholm [top] and Carnegie Mellon [bottom], see the similarity?

January 12th, 2014, a snowy CMU campus shows signs of life under its hardened coat. Students laugh and chatter in the distance, a bright noise that floats down dorm halls and flits playfully from between the UC’s pillars. It is a scene that would have been unheard of just three weeks prior, during Finals Week. In those bleak and (strangely) warmer times, embattled students emerged from their caves only to shotgun coffees and stare across the Cut, dreaming of a day they would touch ragged foot and suitcase wheel to the sidewalk on the other side.

Yet when readme returned to campus on the 11th, it found itself in the midst of a completely different CMU than it had left. As it scoured the walks and libraries for the latest scoop, a strange trend emerged among the natives; people seemed… upbeat. readme’s suspicions were confirmed later that day when the Tartan failed to reject its daily marriage proposal (rolling your eyes is like a soft “maybe”, right?). Even in light of the happy news, something had obviously gone horribly wrong in CMU. It was up to readme to find out exactly what that was and mend the situation if possible. readme turned to head scientist and resident pop psychologist John J.J. Schmidt for answers.

“This is slowly turning into an obvious case of Stockholm Syndrome.” John Schmidt revealed to readme as they settled down in his office for hard boiled eggs. And what exactly did that mean?

“It’s the phenomenon where victims start to feel some sort of empathy for their captors and in some extreme cases even start to side with their captors,” John explained, picking egg shells out of his teeth, “The term was coined in Stockholm, Sweden, when the hostages of a bank robbery spent so much time with their captors that refused help from the police at one point. And you can definitely see the parallels in this situation.”

So what could readme possibly do for CMU students? How could an entire campus possibly be cured of Stockholm Syndrome on such a rampant level?

“What? The students?” John said, “No, CMU students are fine. It’s the post-break second wind. I’m talking about you and the Tartan. You gotta leave the poor woman alone.”