Canadian Economy Sluggish as Syrup on Cold Day

A test of the Moose Early Warning System

A test of the Moose Early Warning System

Dylan Vrana, South Pole Correspondent

 

It’s no secret that the Canadian economy is in dire straits. It officially entered a recession in the first half of this year, following price slumps in major Canadian exports. The economy has, understandably, become a major topic of debate for candidates in the upcoming Canadian federal election. In order to help our vast Canadian readership better understand the various proposals, readme send a correspondent to talk with the candidates.

The sitting Prime Minister, currently running for his fourth term, is Stephen Harper of the Conservatives. Harper holds that the current furor over the economy is exaggerated, and this is just a small downturn in the midst of growth. “From the way people are talking, you’d think the sky was falling. But this is really just a minor fluctuation in the economy. Scarcely worthy of attention. You should trust your government to do what’s right.” Unbidden, he continued, staring directly into our correspondent’s eyes. “And these fools want to change. They don’t understand what we’ve accomplished. What we’ve given up for the people. Just a few more years, and the Wall will be built and the White Walkers will be driven into the icy north. And who accomplished that. Me! ME! ME!”

Justin Trudeau, the Liberal candidate, stated his position at a much lower volume. “The economy is in a serious downturn, and Harper’s myopia will only make things worse. The government needs to start spending on infrastructure to stimulate the economy. I suggest finally finishing the long-delayed Moose Early Warning System. This project will create thousands of jobs and bring a new measure of security to the Canadian people.”

Tom Mulcair of the New Democrats disagrees with the Liberals’ fondness for deficit spending. “We need to finance our spending somehow. Earlier this year, I proposed removing the exorbitant tax breaks given to the maple syrup industry. The fact that these exceptions in our laws still exist is the worst sort of cronyism and indicative of just how in bed Harper is with Big Syrup.”

Canada’s minor parties have their own offbeat solutions to the problem. The Libertarians are not running a PM candidate this election, but they hold that poor monetary policy is the root problem. “The Canadian dollar is devaluing rapidly,” said a spokesman. “We allow the government to simply print money. This wouldn’t have happened if we were still on the moose standard.”

Perhaps the only candidate not directly offering a solution to the economic woes is Gilles Duceppe of the Quebec separatist party Bloc Québécois. “I don’t care what happens to the Canadian economy, I just want to get Quebec out of Canada. These people are insane. Is there anyone who wants to annex some territory?”

“Anyone but America, I mean,” he added. “Anything but that.”

Is it 2016 Yet?

Ted Cruz, president. The idea itself sends shivers down many a spine. Probably because it’s a Hispanic name and therefore associated with illegal immigrants, stolen jobs, and drugs, but that can be overcome. Besides, he was born in Canada, so he can’t be that bad–wait, what? He was born in Canada? And he admits it? Oh, but he’s still a natural born citizen. Sure. Okay. If you say so. As long as he as a birth certificate and isn’t black.

Cruz is likely the bravest, most patriotic man in the country this week. He had the courage to come out and tell us all what everyone was already thinking. Many others have been dilly-dallying, wishy-washing, and in general just namby-pambies, but finally we have a straight-talking, down-to-earth guy who can really open up about his feelings.

And my, what strong feelings those are. Liberty! Liberty for all! Let freedom ring! Freedom for women to surrender their bodies to the state. Freedom for minorities to be disproportionately arrested and shot. Freedom from believing in silly little things like climate change and evolution. Freedom to be required to attend campaign speeches, like the students at Liberty University, where Cruz gave his touching speech. And of course, freedom to wear shirts supporting Rand Paul (a Cruz opponent) at the aforementioned speech.

In addition to such varied liberties, Cruz argued for a repeal of most of the government. A return to the Constitution in its purest form, where blacks count as 3/5ths of a person. Okay, he didn’t specifically mention that part of the Constitution.

When readme went to check out Cruz’s campaign online, they were surprised to see that the website tedcruz.com is actually in support of both Obama and immigration reform. While Cruz does support immigration reform, encouraging us to “imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders,” and a legal system that celebrates those who come here for the American dream, he doesn’t seem to be such a fan of Obama. Because of course, Obama’s a communist Muslim eco-fanatic. readme finally made it over to tedcruz.org, which seemed to be more in line with the whole “Liberty!” thing. However, the occasional link to nigerian-prince.com made readme wonder if the whole thing wasn’t a scam.

Anyways, Cruz is so brave for telling us that he’s ready to make a big fuss until he gets a poor showing in the first (of 50) primaries, in which case he’ll promptly shut up and drop out like they always do. It takes so much courage to re-affirm broad, sweeping generalizations to a captive audience of college kids. We at readme wish him the best of luck on his journey.

LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE

How fucking dare anyone out there make fun of Rob Ford after all he has been through!

He’s been accused of sexual harassment, he’s been sued for “false and defamatory comments”. He has at least two videos out of him being or getting fucked up.

He turned out to be a crack user, and now he’s got to prepare his campaign for reelection. All you people care about is… apologies and making jokes about him.

HE’S SEMI HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Rob Ford has already given you a great reelection smear ad and all you do is try to get him to step down.

He hasn’t campaigned in years. His campaign slogan was “End the Gravy Train” for a reason because all you people want is for his career to END END END END END!

LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he even ran for you BASTARDS!

LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE!… Please.

Nelson Wiseman talked about morality and said Rob Ford never campaigned on upstanding morality and not doing drugs.

Speaking of morality, when was it ever moral to require politicians not to do drugs?

Leave Rob Ford alone. Please!

Leave Rob Ford alone! Right now! I mean it.

Anyone that has a problem with him you deal with me, because I am his sponsor.

Leave him alone.

THIS WEEK IN BEARS: A SYRUPY HEIST

Image

HEIST

For years, those conniving bastards had us believing that all they wanted from us were our oversized jars of honey and our picnic baskets, and the occasional lost hiker. Now, they’ve gone too far. The sudden disappear- ance of Canada’s entire supply of ma- ple syrup (and its only export unrelated to hockey) was mysterious at first. It was a week before the theft was report- ed, Canadians being too polite to make a fuss over the disappearance of their only natural food source. But when the Mounties started suffering from syrup withdrawal, Canada decided it was aboot time to investigate.

Upon discovering that only the syrup itself, not the drums in which they were contained, had been stolen, the answer became obvious: Bears. Who else would be sneaky enough to break into the Canadian Maple Syrup Vault undetected, eat all the maple syrup, and escape without footprints? Who else hates waffles so much that they’d destroy the greatest topping for the otherwise dry and bland breadstuff? The attack on breakfast has begun.

Taking this warning to heart, Canada and America are partnering together to sneak strawberry jam and Nutella out of grocery stores and into protected stashes around the countries. Yester- day, America issued a warning to the bears, vowing a ten-year retribution against any bears trying their tricks in the USA. In response, Canada asked the bears to “maybe not steal from us again, please?”