readme to Make Waffle Booth

by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef

2016-11-04-1

Loyal fans, readme has a special announcement. For the first time since its founding in 1895, readme will be building a booth for Carnival 2017. We hope to see you all on Midway supporting our hardworking bears.

As everyone knows, the 2017 Carnival theme is IHOP, so readme has decided to build a waffle booth. Well known for its waffle-making endeavors, readme was ecstatic to discover that Spring Carnival Committee has finally chosen a theme that will not leave readme desserted with insufficient dough to spend on a booth.

Readme’s booth will be made entirely of waffles, held together with toothpicks and syrup. The game, you ask? Avoid being eaten by the bears who have been lured out of the woods by the overwhelming odor of syrup. Bonus points if you come out of the booth unscathed by the waterfalls of Log Cabin.

While SCC usually insists on actual things like “plywood” or “leveling” or “not having the roof drip syrup on people’s heads,” readme is pretty sure that a word with its mascots will convince the Committees that waffles have sufficient structural integrity.

Readme has been waffling for years about whether it wants to build a booth, but given this year’s theme (some peasant acted all holey-er than thou and tried to tell readme the theme wasn’t actually IHOP, but readme quickly ironed out the truth), it was too good. Readme has been buttering up SCC for years, just waiting for the right opportunity to make is glorious booth debut.

We hope you keep us out of a sticky situation by helping out!

Nefarious Plot to Cull Admitted Students Revealed

Think of the children!

Think of the children!

As throngs of admitted students and unsuspecting parents swarm the campus, rumors are flying about a university-wide conspiracy to keep them at bay. The plot is known only by the codename “Carnival,” a deceptively benign-sounding name for the dastardly plot to keep CMU safe from visiting parents and the weak-willed.

 

The word is that the administration is behind the “Heavy Social Drinkers Wanted” posters recently seen in Wean Hall. Respondents are asked to get drunk with friends on the weekend of Carnival, appearing in public before appalled parents and touring students, according to an anonymous tip.

 

On Sunday, a group of terrified Sleeping Bag Weekend students fled Midway wearing the blue hard hats reserved for coordinators. “It was horrible,” sobbed one. “They asked me to help in an emergency. Someone had … put a nail through his hand. Oh, God, the blood!” The administration has requested a meeting with the Spring Carnival Committee chairs, allegedly to chastise them for nearly revealing the plan ahead of schedule.

 

Insider reports of the “Living Library” hint at a Jurassic Park themed booth. While readme understands the need to protect CMU from the dangers of wandering parents and admitted students, it can’t help but wonder if attacking them with dinosaurs isn’t too far?

 

Meanwhile, crime and incident reports describing dozens of injuries consistent with Wild Thing attacks have been called in over the past few days. It can’t be safe to make a booth of that. This has gone too far, and someone needs to take a stand. Think of the children!


readme will surely be attending the event in question (to do some investigative reporting, of course). Check back with us next time as details of the conspiracy unfold.

New YA Novel by Student: “The Booths”

readme recently interviewed Psychology major Tiffany Whitepersonname to an interview and to share an excerpt of her new YA dystopian thriller starring a normal looking, but like pretty and white, girl who saves the world. 

The book is based in a near-apocalyptic society where children, at the age of 17, have to decide what to do with the rest of their lives. Their choices are additionally severely limited by a series of harrowing academic tests they must undergo throughout their education as young adults. The more scarred these young people are at time of their choosing, the more choices they will have. 

Our hero, or should we say heroine, is the toughest of these brave individuals and her choices are endless. She chooses her destination. Cutthroat Murders University. Otherwise known as “CMU”. Her name?  Well, her parents named her “Elizabeth”, but those around her, worshipping her, call her

Zabeth 

Little to Zabeth’s knowledge, the tests only get worse after the choosing. She goes through the first year of her harrowing trials. Throughout that time she hears increasing rumors. Some celebratory. Some fearful, exhausted. And it’s called Carnival. 

Carnival approaches, and Zabeth swallows bile. She thinks of her first love interest. The dark one from home. and by dark we still mean white but like with black hair and a large browline. And she thinks of her second love interest. The one she’s only met recently, who is less dark but also like still really cool and stuff. 

She knows she has to choose. But first she must survive Booth, where other Cutthroat Murderers construct the most impenetrable fort they can in a week while still juggling the other evaluations they have never become accustomed to. The booths are then judged by merit. If they fail, they suffer massive nervous breakdowns.

“That’s only the first book.” Whitepersonname explained to readme. “The next two in the trilogy are, like, darker and edgier. Zabeth swallows a lot of bile.” She teased her next two books, describing a scene in which Zabeth shows her empathy for a bunch of underprivleged “choiceless” people who happen to be like, brown people. “But it’s totally not a white savior thing. It’s just how Zabeth is.”

When asked why she decided to major in Psychology instead of Creative Writing with such grand ambitions for a trilogy, Whitepersonname replied that “you don’t need a writing degree to understand the human condition”. When readme followed up by asking if she had based any of the events in the story off of events she had observed here during her time at Carngie mellon University, she looked at it quizzically. “Why would you ask that? I don’t see the resemblance.”  

List: Carnival themes more vague than this year’s

Image

“Booth”

“Buggy”

“Carnival”

“F!!k It, Build Whatever You Want”

“The Universe”

“Philosophy”

“Stuff”

“Violate the shit out of copyright”

“(empty list)”

“Cultures”

“ Periods of time!”

“Readme’s charter”

“Things that can be represented by the intergers in Pi”

“We’re too tired to come up with a theme because we go to CMU”

“Memes”

“Themes”

“Values between 0 and infinity”

“Categories”

“Things College Kids Like”