New Anime Sparks Controversy with Blatant Sexism

by Ben Kaplan, Western Moral Guardian

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A new anime entitled “Another New Insulting Manga Episodic,” or ANIME, as its fans call it, has been publicly criticized for its overt sexism and excessive use of fanservice. Many fans of the genre assert that real anime needs not resort to such cheap tactics, while ANIME supporters argue that it’s an artistic choice like any other.

The supposed flaws in ANIME largely center around its hypersexualization of women and pandering to the male gaze. First of all, there’s this obsession with accidentally molesting women. In the opening episode, a happy-go-lucky lad goes about his business when all of a sudden an unexpected happenstance causes him to trip into a female character with massive [SPOILERS]. And in another episode, the same exact thing happens. And in another. And another. And another—except in this last case he was wearing magnetized gloves that caused him to fly towards the female character’s [SPOILERS], since the female was wearing advanced mechanized battle armor (customized for her unique [SPOILERS]) that was magnetized by the villain’s electric chi attack. Crazy coincidence, huh?

And then there’s the [SPOILERS] shots. Let’s not even get into the [SPOILERS] shots.

…And the constant sexualization of preteens.

…Aaaaand the, just, wow the jiggling. [SPOILERS] H. Christ, that is some jiggling what’s going on.

While some may argue that tropes present in some pretty much every anime do not necessarily characterize Japan itself, a nation whose traditional cultural values remain strong to this day, that shit would not fly in America! We are a land of moral people! We don’t stand for this sicko bull-crap! No, all we need here in the ol’ U-S-of-A is some good old-fashioned violence! Amen!

 

Kim Jong-Un Bans Sarcasm—No, Really

by Ben Kaplan

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[While readme generally prefers to avoid news stories that might be found in other publications (so-called “real news”), this was too good to pass up. -Ed.]

In news that sounds like an Onion article but is sadly and hilariously real, the government of Kim Jong-Un: Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, and presidium member of the Politburo of the Workers’ Party of Korea” (thank you Wikipedia), has banned sarcastic statements from utterance by government officials and the citizenry.

        The news was conveyed to government officials and the citizenry in meetings across the country. Phrases like “This is all America’s fault” (the North Korean equivalent of “Thanks, Obama”) are now deemed “unacceptable crimes” and will be punished in typical North Korean fashion: the disappearance of the offender and/or their family and imprisonment in a worker’s concentration camp. And of course, sarcasm directly referring to the government is a no-no!

        Also banned was the phrase, “a fool who cannot see the outside world,” which was used by North Korean government officials to refer to their great rotund leader after he flaked out on World War II 70th anniversary celebrations.

        Honestly though, readme does not understand why this rule even had to be put in place. After all, Kim Jong-Un is the most gifted, most competent, most handsome world leader ever in all of existence across the multiverse! Having accomplished such feats as ending world hunger, counting to infinity (twice), and many other facts recorded by CollegeHumor in their 100% factual documentaries:

The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un, The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Part 2, The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Part 3, The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Part 4 – Kim Jong-Un vs PSY, Kim Jong-Un and Dennis Rodman Recreate Space Jam, Kim Jong-Un Goes Back to School, Kim Jong-Un Launches a Nuke, Kim Jong-Un vs. Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un vs. Christmas, Kim Jong-Un Is A Pokemon Master, Kim Jong-Un’s Hunger Games, Kim Jong-Un vs. Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un vs. Kim Jong-Il (Part 2), and The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un and Dennis Rodman.

Other fun facts about Kim Jong-un that are legitimately taught in the schools of “true” Korea:

  •      Kim Jong-Un could drive at the age of 3
  •      Kim Jong-Un bowled a perfect 300 his first time bowling
  •      And, likewise, he got five holes-in-one whilst scoring 38 under par the first time he played golf

CMU Declares War on USC

by Ben Kaplan

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Last week, whilst huddled in the Carnegie Mellon Situation Room in the bottom of Warner Hall, President Suresh broke news that the administration desperately did not want to hear: the new rankings were in and CMU went down by one.

Previously, CMU was locked in a four-way tie for 23rd. Now, however, CMU is still locked in three-way tie, but USC has broken past and claimed the 23rd spot.

“Carnegie Mellon will continue to pursue innovative research and rigorous academics that push the bounds of knowledge, regardless of our ranking. That being said, the so-called ‘University of Spoiled Children’ must be eviscerated.” declared Suresh.

President Suresh did not elaborate how this would be accomplished, but rumor has it that each school has been tasked with proposing their own methodology. Already, the School of Computer Science has penetrated USC systems and is waiting for the go ahead to (digitally) erase them from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, CIT and Mellon are working on their plans to destroy USC with an engineered earthquake and engineered virus respectively. Tepper plans to launch a targeted viral negative ad campaign against “the University of Spoiled Children,” and CFA has devised an art exhibit “rejecting the Southern California lifestyle for its lack of motivational constructs and embrace of ‘total chillness’ for being ill-defined and cliché since the 90s.” Dietrich plans on flooding the USC campus with “lots and lots of glue.” When asked how they would acquire, transport, and position such large quantities of glue, our source claimed, “The engineers in CIT will figure it out.”

Plans involving the partial or wholesale destruction of the surrounding Los Angeles metropolitan area are not only permitted, but encouraged, since UCLA (currently also locked in the three-way tie with CMU) would be part of the collateral, and as President Suresh gleefully pointed out, eviscerating both would “kill two birds with one stone.”

The Black Chairs vs. The Brown Chairs: New Addition to the UC Sparks Fierce Campus Rivalry

by Ben Kaplan

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Tensions are rising on campus following the latest outbreak of hateful acts between supporters of the Black Chairs and the Brown Chairs. Those optimistic about the impact of the new university center addition on campus have seen their hopes dashed by the leather-feud between the two furniture clusters.

Animosity between the Black Chairs and the Brown Chairs dates back to ancient times—back when the leathers covering their frames were still cows and bulls capable of literally locking horns or mooing at each other in a disdaining fashion non-respectively.

Students and faculty were initially hopeful that the two sides could put aside their difference and learn to sit aside one another here in Carnegie Mellon’s tolerant, progressive, post-factional campus community, but this has sadly not been the case. Already, students have begin taking sides and reports of spiteful acts have proliferated, with several documented cases of students putting their shoes on the bare-leather of the chairs and even some alleged acts of students deliberately spilling coffee on unsuspecting chairs.

“The Black Chairs are oversized and ugly and totally don’t mesh with the surrounding interior décor!” says one student enrolled in Carnegie Mellon School of Design (which is actually a department that’s part of the College of Fine Arts) who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the CMU P.C. Police would lock her in Wean Hall if her identity was disclosed.

Responding to the above comments, the Black Chairs promotion group Black Chair Matter More retorted: “Black Chairs are way more comfortable than those petite bony squares that call themselves chairs sitting in their posh new UC addition with their fancy built-in electrical outlets. Black Chairs were here first and were doing just fine before the brown chairs moved into the UC and started taking the Black Chair’s jobs” (which were providing a convenient place for students to meet up and browse their phones for forty minutes when they’re too lazy to go back to their dorms after ingesting a burrito at El Gallo D’Oro)!

Despite all the hostility however, some students are working to bridge the gap between the North and South side of the UC. Tony, a senior member of a club that’s been meeting at the Black Chairs for years, and Maria, a sophomore whose sorority holds weekly ABP (Au Bon Pain) coffee socials at the Brown Chairs, recently made their romantic relationship Facebook official in a gesture of inter-chair unity after having to meet surreptitiously in Wiegand Gymnasium all summer. “Whether on the Black Chairs or The Brown Chairs, we’re down to plop down and sit intimately together while making other students uncomfortable “ proclaimed Tony. However, the couple has not gotten off Scott free for their perceived transgression “Despite having followed our hearts, Tony was tragically punished by his club when they removed him from their main mailing list, and has had to get by via messaging other members on Facebook, some of whom have waited over a day to reply” explained Maria.

After having binge-watched 9 episodes of Parks and Recreation while seated in a new Brown Chair, this readme journalist can ascertain that the Brown Chairs are less comfortable than the Black Chairs, though still pretty comfy. However, some students I spoke with feel that “Black Chairs are TOO big” and comfortable, with one senior noting that that once “[she] sits black, [she’s] too comfy to get back-up.”

In order to counter rising tensions, administration just announced that they are hosting a Chair Cohabitation Seminar in order to promote peaceful sitting, and in a prepared statement, President Suresh declared that “We believe that the two sides can reach an accord in accordance with CMU’s values of tolerance and openness to types of chair—and in the event an accord cannot be reached we’ll have no choice but to relocate that chairs to Wean Hall and Hamerschlag House on opposite sides of campus. Can’t have this $#!+ happening when President Obama arrives! ”

New Hampshire Primary Won by Donald Trump

New Hampshire primary won by Donald Trump!

 

Predicts his polls will get a “big bump”

Then laughs at Kasich and the “republican establishment loser lump”

Says Rubio is “stuck in a slump”

Calls Cruz “a crappy classless clump”

And chides “Chris Christie is a chubby chub chump”

Followed up by telling Jeb “please clap” Bush to “get off this sinking ship and jump”

Next he grills Bernie for “being a grouchy grouch grump”

And heckles Hillary for “having a sad saggy hump”

This leads him bragging about his wife’s “butt being both firm and plump”

After which the Donald drops the mic and starts to crump

Suddenly! He pulls down his pants and shows off his glorious golden rump

And proceeds to take a massive onstage dump!!!

 

Poem by Ben Kaplan

Human-Human Interaction Institute to Open

Ben Kaplan, Human Correspondent

Today, President Subra Suresh, Dean of Computer Science Andrew Moore, and Psychology Department Head Michael Tarr proudly announced that Carnegie Mellon is opening a Center for Human-Human Interaction.

“Carnegie Mellon is the world’s leader in computer science, but computers have not—*cough* yet *cough*—replaced the need for human to human interactions in today’s complex and rapidly changing world,” said Dean Moore.

“It has come to the university’s attention that the social skills and in-person charisma of some of our students and faculty have a high potential for improvements, improvements that will benefit the entire CMU community,” explained President Suresh.

“Simply put, we are trying to make people at CMU less [expletive censored] awkward!” Dr. Tarr exclaimed.

The center will aim to build upon basic and newly realized psychological tenets with CMU’s expertise in the fields of big data analysis and algorithm design. One of the main initiatives, Friendship and Romance Target Enhancement Drive (FARTED) will encourage students who wish to find friends or romantic partners but are unable to do so. Dean Moore detailed how CMU’s new matching algorithm will select students of compatible personality, interests, and a host of other metrics. Dr. Tarr explained how each pairing will then go through all 36 of Arthur Aron’s famous intimacy generating questions, which have been scientifically found to generate high level of personal closeness and romantic attraction among complete strangers (no seriously, ask any psychology major, or Google, about this). In addition, the computer science department insisted on several new questions, totaling 42, which will ensure the two participants are right for each other. Moore and Tarr are keeping the contents of the questions a secret, but hint that they have to do with the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.

For those not interested in becoming romantically paired with their lifelong soulmates at this point in their career, the Human-Human Interaction Institute is offering an alternative program called FUN. The FUN acronym can be broken down as such: F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere, anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea. FUN is meant to teach Carnegie Mellon students how to take a break from stressing out about jobs or coursework, and enjoy themselves and create bonds of friendship. FUN is a joint project with University of Pittsburgh’s newly created oceanography institute. Either the FARTED or FUN initiative will be mandatory for all students. Failure to participate will result in a 1 point deduction in QPA.

Future initiatives of the Human-Human Interaction Institute include Seminars for Acting Cool And Professional (SACAP) and other measures guaranteed to ensure that “CMU does not get lumped together with University of Chicago and Columbia in the Ivy League of Un-Fun Schools (ILUFS),” said President Suresh.