Obama Visits CMU: What the Tartan Won’t Tell You

by Spencer Early

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What many believe to be our President’s White House Frontiers Conference may not be the case. Mr. Obama’s visit, scheduled for Thursday October 13, is actually the beginning of his clandestine plan to cover up the moon landing. This may sound absurd, but is there any real evidence that this may be true? The traditional conspiracy theory states that Americans landed on the Moon in July 1969, but What Really Happened?

Over the past five years, readme’s anonymous source, dubbed the Edward Snowden of the Millennium, who has Class AAA clearance at the State Department, National Security Agency, and the Bilderberg Group, handed over 300,000 classified documents revealing the truth, more than twice the scale of the Panama Papers… While readme’s chief investigative journalist was writing this story on Google Docs, he noticed a strange glimmer coming from Stever and – POOF! – his Internet connection was lost. It is a clear indication of Hillary’s people at the NSA tampering with the revelation of truth. An investigation ensued, in which detective Conan Scobell discovered a dossier of historical documents of Stever. Of major importance was one titled “Mankind’s Greatest Hoax – Faked Moon Landing”, describing the staged moon landing recorded right here on the fifth floor of Stever on Thursday October 13, 1969. Interestingly, Mr. Obama will be visiting campus on Thursday October 13. While even the finest readme sociologists do not know Obama’s intentions, we believe he is visiting so that he can cover up the Moon landing hoax.

A common feature between Stever and the moon landing is the prominent placement of a flag. But Stever has another flag as well. The arboreal flag. Stever’s theme of green housing is a clear indication of its support for this administration’s stance on climate change and Agenda 21. Why is Stever being the government’s lapdog and mouthpiece? Could it be that the government orchestrated the moon landing hoax there and continually provides funding to Stever to keep their mouths shut? The answer from our sources is an unequivocal ‘yes’. In fact, the true reason Obama is visiting campus is to renegotiate the contract with Stever on the depraved 47th anniversary of the moon landing farce. Stever has spoiled its fifteen-billion-dollar funding on conducting illegal tactics aimed at winning House Wars.  The reason for Stever’s shady relationship with the government and its approval of the government’s most flagrant lies? Could it be that the government sponsored the moon landing hoax in Stever?

But there is one crucial question: Stever was supposedly built in 2006, but the moon landing supposedly occurred in 1969. How could the American government fake the moon landing in a place that did not exist? One possible explanation is lunar aliens, also known as “moonies”. To the untrained eye, Stever appears quite normal, possibly even drab. But new freshman Stever resident Michelle Hopkins spotted new evidence. Instead of participating in House Wars, she admitted to communicating with moonies behind her locked door. The next morning, Hopkins discovered a note from a moony that read “read the final secret”.

Our sources have told us this is a bigger conspiracy and he/she/they will disclose more information after he/she/they find/s a sanctuary.

Obama Still President, Supreme Court Nomination of Merrick Garland Proves

 

Apratim Vidyarthi, Presidential Correspondent

In an event that comes as a surprise to all 24/7 news networks and presidential candidates, the Presidency of the United States is apparently still in the hands of Barack Obama. This “truth” was brought to light when the seemingly-still-President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. While presidential candidates have proposed plans to revamp the economy and repeal Obamacare, few realize that President Obama still has power over the country.

Sources in the Senate report discombobulation and surprise by Republican senators, whose position on the Supreme Court nomination, a replacement for conservative Antonin Scalia, was that the U.S. needs a President to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Asked for a comment, House Majority Leader and Turtle-in-Charge Mitch McConnell said “we initially opposed the nomination of a justice because we believed that a President is required, by the Constitution, for a nomination. We thought President Obama was no longer President, but he’s sneaky, holding onto power for the full eight years. We thought that replacing him on the news with Trump and Cruz would oust him from power.”

Many in the country expressed astonishment that Obama had the gall to remain in power and perform duties required by his office in the midst of an election season. Senator, Presidential Candidate, and Canadian Ted Cruz, in an evidence of his Canadian-ness, apologized for getting the facts wrong, and stated that “I opposed the Supreme Court nomination because I thought we needed a president in the White House before we could replace the justice, as stated in the constitution. I clearly know how the constitution works, because I studied it.” Analysts point to the contradiction that if Barack Obama had truly left the White House vacant, Ted Cruz would be there in less than five minutes to move in.

Former President George W. Bush, who went into hiding after leaving the White House, released a statement which mentioned that “I am surprised Barack Obama is keeping the Presidency for all eight years. I did not have enough stamina and left the White House to Cheney after my sixth year… hehehe. Nonetheless, my brother, who was running for president and is a bigger expert on the constitution than Trump—after all, he did help in Florida in 2000—said that Presidents are not allowed to nominate justices in their final year, especially if they are Democrats… hehehe.”

President Obama, who has struggled to get attention in the news because of their coverage of MH-370, the election, and Justin Bieber’s escapades, held a press conference and stated that “I have not moved out of the White House yet. My mailing address is still here! I cannot believe Senators McConnell and Cruz haven’t noticed, but it’s not like they’re in DC most of the time. I nominated a justice, as I think that’s my job, and it’s not like I have anything else to do, other than enjoy the beaches of Cuba.”

President Probably Still Doing Stuff, We Guess

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Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

Multiple sources have recently confirmed that, despite the sum total of American political energy being devoted to the primary elections, President Obama is most likely still doing things that are probably important.

As the Republican candidates are savaging each other to claim the honor of being the most blitheringly conservative and Clinton and Sanders are in a fierce battle for the nation’s college students and former Wall Street occupiers, Obama has definitely vetoed some bill or signed some executive order about coal or gotten sued or something.

He’s had to. Right? He’s the President! Presidents make momentous decisions on pretty much a daily basis. There’s probably some foreign policy thing he did in the Middle East or China or Papua New Guinea or wherever that your political correspondent is just forgetting about for some reason.

Wait, wasn’t he thinking about conducting bombing raids in Libya? Your correspondent thought he saw Libya in the news the other day…

Eh, probably not. If that had happened, we would have heard the candidates respond to it by now. Especially Trump. He would have been all “Obama is such a loser! All he’s doing is bombing Libya, which is something a loser would do. Why isn’t he sending troops? When I’m president, we’ll be sending so many troops into Libya! I will build a wall around Libya and make ISIS pay for it! We’ll win Libya so hard instead of losing it, like we’re doing now.”

Classic Trump.

One source has even claimed that there’s “this whole Supreme Court nomination thing he’s gotta deal with now” that is “actually really significant.” This assertion seems to have some basis in fact, seeing as the death of Justice Scalia has provided an opportunity for Obama to nominate a liberal replacement. However, the weight of probability suggests that no nominee will be confirmed by the Republican-controlled Senate until, you guessed it, after the 2016 election. So that’s a bit of a moot point anyhow.

In conclusion, your political correspondent can semi-confidently state that Obama has taken one or more actions in the last six months.

At press time, President Obama was still a former political nobody unexpectedly elected to be the single most powerful person in the world.

President Obama Reject Keystone XL, Atmospheric CO2 Immediately Disappears

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Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

Climate scientists were baffled last week as President Obama’s decision to reject the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline unexpectedly removed all greenhouse gases from Earth’s atmosphere.

Furthermore, analysis conducted at the nation’s power plants and factories confirmed that as a result of this decision, carbon dioxide is no longer a waste product of power generation, manufacturing, or any system involving the burning of fossil fuels, in defiance of our current understanding of chemistry. Environmentalists are celebrating the world over, secure in the knowledge that their years-long effort to prevent the construction of the Alberta-to-Texas pipeline has protected the planet from climate change for the foreseeable future.

Bill McKibben, head of the anti-Keystone XL group 350, released a statement in the wake of this victory:

“When we at 350.org told the nation that keeping the Keystone pipeline from being built was an incredibly important environmental prerogative, people scoffed. Some even said – get this! – that the Keystone fight was mostly symbolic, and that existence or nonexistence of the pipeline would have only a marginal effect on the environment one way or the other.

“Well, now the whole world can see what we’ve known here at 350 for years: canceling the pipeline would instantly solve our global warming crisis. It was that easy! We didn’t have to worry about fuel efficiency, or alternative energy, or even recycling! We just had to prevent Keystone from happening, and bam! Environment fixed!

“Oh, and by the way. If the President had allowed Keystone to go through? We’d all be dead by now, since the atmosphere would have become 100% carbon dioxide in a matter of seconds. Anyway, no need to thank us; we already know that we’re awesome.”

Seeing as President Obama has taken literally any action, there are, of course, dissenting voices. Senate Majority Leader and coal fetishist Mitch McConnell has harshly criticized the President on his decision, saying that by nixing Keystone, Obama has “doomed America’s economy unto a thousand years of torment, where it shall know only sorrow and worryingly high unemployment.”

Republican frontrunner (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump has also criticized the decision in a recent campaign appearance, in between saying something racist about immigrants and inviting an audience member to confirm that his hair is real.

At press time, President Obama pardoned several dozen prisoners convicted of low-level drug offenses, instantly ending America’s problems with mass incarceration and drug abuse.

Fox News Grasps at (Coffee) Straws

The country is awash with rage following the scandal of President Obama’s coffee-toting salute, and righteously so. Experts at respected establishments such as Fox and Friends and The O’Reilly Factor have expressed outrage, both online and on cable, at what was clearly a deliberate attempt to showcase the President’s blatant disregard for the armed forces.

“It’s a Coffeegate,” one talk-show host says, adding this recent issue to a long list of other prestigious problems including Bendgate (courtesy of Apple), Closetgate (courtesy of South Park), and Nipplegate (courtesy of Justin Timberlake).

The scandal, which began when President Obama offered a salute to a pair of Marines outside of Air Force while bearing a coffee cup in the same hand, has quickly gone international. “It’s disgusting,” said British PM David Cameron. “I mean, really. Coffee? Couldn’t the man have had some decency and held up a nice Darjeeling?”

National leaders from every corner of the globe have jumped in to condemn Obama’s choice of beverage. “What that man needs is a good beer,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “None of that watery swill that you Americans call alcohol.”

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper violently disagreed. “That’d be even more disrespectful,” he said in a press release. “Get him some maple syrup – the good kind. Quality, home-maker’s syrup. And if I hear one mention of this ‘Aunt Jemima’ crap, you can kiss our funding of the NHL goodbye.”

The commissioner of the National Hockey League, when contacted for comment, refused to believe that his sport was subsidized by Canadian viewers alone, and refused to answer subsequent phone calls.

Prominent historians have agreed with the world’s condemnation of Coffeegate, calling the whole thing ‘a gateway to insanity’. “Not because of the choice of drink, per se,” says one professor at Carnegie Mellon, wishing to stay anonymous for fear of hipster attack, “but because anyone with half a brain knows that he probably wasn’t even drinking a latte. You ever had a real, honest-to-God Italian latte? Those things are great for when you need to stay up grading terrible essays.”

When asked about the disrespect of the salute itself, the professor shrugged and said, “Yeah, I’d say it’s a pretty rough choice. Sure, it might be a non-obligatory executive ritual popularized in the seventies against the wishes of the Pentagon, but come on – saluting with a coffee cup in hand? That’s just so damn tacky.

“And come on,” he added. “You think the President cares at all about quality coffee? I’ll bet that shit was Starbucks.”

White House Takes Page from ‘Wipeout’ with New Tour

The White House has announced that they are offering a new style of tour, one in which the tourist will get to experience the thrills of being chased by secret service agents while acting out an attack on the President. The new attraction is sure to raise the revenues of the White House, as people are generally responsive to handing over their money in exchange for risky, possible dangerous activities that could entail years of jail time.

“Yeah, we really think we’ve got a hit with this one,” one source claimed. “We came up with the idea after having a movie night with the White House staff and watching Olympus Has Fallen. Someone asked, ‘wouldn’t it be great if people could actually run through the White House while waving threatening objects around? Who hasn’t dreamt of acting out an attack on our nation’s capitol?’ and you know, the idea just kinda stuck.”

The White House security was fine with the idea, as it provided free training for its officers. Already quite skilled, the guards did their job almost too well. In fact, the first several civilians who attempted the tour complained that they weren’t allowed to make it more than a few feet once they had climbed the fence. “I was really looking forward to taking the president hostage, just like the guys in White House Down. I didn’t even get to see as much as the regular tours do, though, and the secret service agent who tackled me was nowhere near as hot as Channing Tatum.”

However, there were several complaints from the ushers that it wasn’t any fun to watch when the would-be intruders didn’t even have a chance. Also, the alarms were quite loud. To even the playing field, and to save their eardrums, the alarms were turned off. And finally, one tourist got his money’s worth.

He made it over the fence, across the yard, through the doors, and finally down the hallway before finally being brought down. The ushers applauded his great run, saying it was the best they’d seen since the program was started. “What would have been even more cool was if the President was actually here. You shoulda seen the guy’s face when he found out he was just a few minutes too late to meet Barack.”

Obama: Just Plain Wrong

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 Aw, now Sadface Obama is making us sad, too! Thanks, Sadface Obama!

We all know why the world is the terrible, scary place it is today. It’s because that bastard Obama did nothing for his first six years in office (no, if we’ve said it once we’ve said it a thousand times, health care doesn’t count). Despite calling on him to be more assertive, more aggressive, more stubborn, more bullheaded, and more of an asshole, as befits the leader of the free world, he has remained calm and collected and refused to put more American boots on the ground, where they belong.

Obviously, this strategy was ineffective, because his pussy-footin’ cowardice led to the current unstable situation in Iraq and the Middle East in general. It’s his fault the hornet’s nest was stirred up in the first place. Thanks, Obama.

You see, warmongers have been calling for more military aggression overseas ever since Obama came into office. When the Arab Spring awoke, who was there to help the dictators we’ve been propping up since the 50s? When the Syrian Civil War erupted, who was there to help tear down the cruel and vicious dictator, as long as the help didn’t end up in the hands of extremists? When Putin invaded Ukraine, who was there to help beat back the filthy commies? Not Obama, that’s who.

Anyways, after twiddling his thumbs for far too long, Obama finally pulled the trigger and got us involved in another messy conflict. Air strikes in Iraq to combat ISIS, an organization that beheads journalists and whose sole goal is to establish an ultra-conservative theocratic state? You might think that we would support our quibbler-in-chief once he’s made a decision. But how could we? Obama’s plan is outrageous. It just goes too far. Or not far enough. Or in the wrong direction. Whatever the case, Obama was wrong.
Sure, he’s done something, outlining a plan in the time-honored tradition of killing the bad guys without actually declaring war. But why should we support this action? All he wants to do is bomb them into oblivion, without committing to a drawn-out ground war. Or, rather, he wants to spend our money and risk our soldiers lives getting engaged in some other nations’ conflicts. Either way, it’s not what we wanted. Maybe it’s a ruse for the mid-term elections. As such, we cannot endorse Obama’s action, just as we could not endorse his inaction. He’s a terrible president, no matter what he does. Really.