Hillary Clinton Found to be Human; Qualifications for Presidency Under Question

by Apratim Vidyarthi, terrified-of-the-future-of-the-country-columnist

lizard-trump

In a shocking turn of events, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton showed up to Zack Galafakakakanakis’ renowned news program Between Two Ferns, citing a desire to make a serious announcement that was likely to appeal to millennials. On the show, Clinton expressed sarcasm, disdain, and other emotions that most millennials had earlier concluded that Clinton did not have due to her being a robot. This major campaign announcement—that Clinton is indeed one of us—has the potential to change the shape of this election by around 0.2 percentage points.

At the debate Monday, her opponent Donald Trump attacked this quality, calling it her “tragic flaw.” He was quoted as saying, “Listen to me, because I know what I’m talking about. I have investments in Chicago, great town, Chicago, and what we need is to make America great again, and I just don’t think a human like Secretary Clinton is going to do that. Don’t get me wrong, I have—I’ve always had a great relationship with the human community, I just think we need to reinstate certain policies that have worked in the past to keep corruption in check, like the stop and flick policy.”

When the debate moderator pointed out that stop and flick was ruled unconstitutional for disproportionately targeting warm-blooded candidates, Trump flicked his own tongue in an ostentatious display of his lizard-folk heritage and supposed ability to lead.

Clinton’s declaration of humanity comes in stark contrast to Trump’s unfettered racism, sexism, lack of logic, and obsession with gold. Several biologists and prominent scientists have claimed that Trump’s behavior and looks are more reflective of snake people than of the dignified lizard race to which he claims to belong.

Whatever the result of this election, it’s sure to be historically significant. America will have either its first human president since Herbert Hoover or a disgraced lizard in a cheeto costume. Stay tuned to find out!

Apratillary Clinton

Apratillary Clinton

Politician, female, pantsuit stylist, policy wonk, and political punching bag.

“I like to have fun. I can connect with the youth. Is that what they’re calling it these days? The youth? I can connect with people, but I am not a good politician. I promise you I am not a computer — Marco Rubio is. Rinie Sandfair isn’t even a Democrat, and doesn’t know about policy. I know policy. I am policy. I will write policy for you. I will be your policy. I will give you whatever you want. You want Rinie Sandfair to go away? I’ll make him go away. You want Donald Thatchrump to be the orange face of racism? I will do that. You want more pantsuits? Just look at me. You want me to make jokes? I can do that. Vote for me. I am fun.”

Students Give Up All Hope

Apratim Vidyarthi, Sleep-Deprived Correspon… zzz…

The Walking Dead has decided that CMU is the perfect place to simulate an atmosphere of desolate madness with sleepless zombies, our sources in Hollywood report. Ernest Dickerson, one of the directors of the Walking Dead, visited campus and noted that students seem to have given up, given their inhuman standards of hygiene and nutrition. Dickerson said that students seem to “be emotionally distant, with their brains in far away places. These poor children look just like the sleepless, emotionally hollow zombies that Walking Dead aspires to portray in every episode.”

One student on campus said, “this is perfect. Wait… what is the Walking Dead? I don’t get out very much.” Professors on campus seem to relish providing more work to their students, maintaining that buildings like “Gates and Wean will feel empty without the near lifeless bodies of students littered in study halls. It just won’t feel like good old CMU.”

Despite this hopelessness and sleeplessness, CMU was recently ranked number 27 in work-hard-play-hard schools in the U.S., prompting many in the student body to wonder who plays hard, and to ponder on what they missed while they were deep inside the basement of a laboratory, coding for hours.

Analysts — and believe us, we have a lot of analysts — at readme have suggested that this sleeplessness and desolation on CMU’s campus could be the perfect moment for a robot uprising from the robotics department. No word from the robotics department — most of the students in that department fear human contact.

We wish you the best of luck in surviving the next few weeks.

PA Primaries: Please, Pittsburgh, Prevent Trump

Apratim Vidyarthi, Staffwriter

As the primary season drags on and the presidential campaign reality show embarrasses more Americans than ever before, it is about to hit Pennsylvania hard. The Pennsylvania primary has a lot riding on it: hope of redemption for Bernie Sanders; hope of a snowball effect for Hillary Clinton; continued ignorance of Donald Trump’s misogynistic, racist, and violent campaign for Donald Trump; continued desperation for anyone but Trump for Ted Cruz; and hope that people know who John Kasich is, for John Kasich. As with the entirety of primary season, newscasters and internet commenters (both of which have a tendency to be surprisingly unreliable) alike are deeming this a toss-up, though polls and statisticians like Nate Silver seem to have a grasp of reality.

Bernie Sanders and his “revolutionary” campaign claim that the past five contests — most of which he won with margins of more than 30 points — will give him momentum to ride through Wisconsin and back into the states near his home of Vermont. However, proximity to the small, mostly-white, and wealthy state seems to have no impact on the polling, which shows an overall chance of Hillary Clinton winning Pennsylvania at 96%. Without complex statistical models and only depending on the polls, Clinton has a 53% chance of winning — but even then, Sanders has a huge delegate gap to make up, one that a simple birdie and a revolution-in-name may not be able to overcome. Sanders needs to win more than 60% of Pennsylvania for him to overcome the more than 200 delegate deficit he has; yet Clinton is projected to win 66-30 based on statistical models.

On the Republican side, Donald Trump’s populist campaign is on the defense as Trump’s campaign manager turned himself into custody following a battery charge in Florida, a state that keeps on creating drama and disappointing (and entertaining) America. Trump’s campaign team has shown cracks in its armor, with several key members defecting. Trump himself has continued to behave as he has for the last four months, showing no true knowledge of foreign policy, how the government works, or how to respect women, minorities, and common sense. Nonetheless, the statistical model at FiveThirtyEight shows Donald Trump’s chance of winning as 46%, compared to a 27% chance for Cruz or Kasich. The polling averages also show a double digit lead for Trump, with Kasich coming in second place. What this support for Kasich means is that Pennsylvania might be one of the few states with a relatively sane population, not blinded by its anger against incompetent establishment Republican politicians who have used obstructionism and corruption to bring Washington DC to a halt. Nonetheless, the fact that Donald Trump leads brings very real risk to the likelihood of him having a strong shot at being the Republican nomination for Presidency, and potentially bringing a collapse to the world economy and a drought of pride for Americans.

In Pittsburgh, Senator Sanders has visited the city to give a stump speech that is beginning to sound more hackneyed as the contest goes on; akin to Clinton’s hackneyed copying of Sanders’ positions. Clinton will probably follow Sanders to the city, which leans democratic, to push for the massive 210 delegates that Pennsylvania offers. Sanders’ policies, which are more protectionist and pro-blue-collar, could ring true with those still living in Pittsburgh’s history. Clinton’s policies, which are rooted in realism about trade and technological progress, could appeal to the new Pittsburgh, including to the support community for universities in the area. Nonetheless, the majority of college students are bound to support Sanders in line with the rest of the nation, given that Sanders’ policies have selling points that appeal to the youth: legalization of marijuana, free college tuition, and free healthcare (at the expense of tax increases and political dreams ignorant of the Congressional gridlock and Republican majorities in the House and the Senate, at least one of which is most likely to stay red).

Ultimately, this primary and presidential election season are of historic importance. For Republicans, it is a choice between two sexist, racist homophobes (Trump and Cruz) and a man who is just a sexist (Kasich), but still better than what was expected of Republican politicians. For Democrats, it is a choice between realism and optimism; between incremental change or purported revolution; between a progressive who can appeal to the masses or a progressive who hopes to appeal to the masses; and between two candidates who will nonetheless make history by being either the first woman or first Jewish president. America is the precipice of history, and Pittsburgh and Pennsylvania must make sure they are on the right side of it.

readme Gives Fleeting Moments of Happiness

Apratim Vidyarthi, Hope Correspondent

Of all the things that could be said about 2016, the year being a particularly satisfying or reassuring one is not one of them. Thus, we at readme are working our hardest, and sacrificing our procrastination time to write articles that take us away from the pain of scrolling through our Facebook newsfeeds and reading more terrifying articles about the Republican Party.

Our mail and email inboxes have been flooded with concerning emails about increasing depression, alarm, and consumption of giant tubs of ice cream, as more and more people tune into the news and immediately shake in terror after seeing the chaos. Some readers are surprised that our country harbors so many racists, sexists, and homophobes, forgetting that last conversation with their racist grandmas, or that sexist conversation with the ogling construction worker, or the continued existence of the KKK. Many readers wrote that this “Donald Trump joke is getting old.” We think so too, and more is at risk for us than for you: he is already destroying jobs in the comedy industry, since it’s really hard to make jokes when reality is just as funny and scary. Some readers complained that simply turning on the news gives them PTSD. We can only call upon the nation’s government and tell them that events today are creating a heavier burden on our medical system, and that Republicans are once again doing their best to destroy Obamacare by overburdening our medical system and then blaming it for failing.

The staff at readme understand the darkness and chaos that is engulfing this country. We understand that those who laugh at our articles do so for catharsis in a world where all other media outlets are terrifying and cause wet pants. We understand the heavy burden and responsibility placed upon us to fight this darkness, and we can proudly claim that at best, we can laugh at the insanity of this year for maybe a month or two, before we too are taken by the Trumpocalypse. Our commitment to you is that we shall make you laugh in the face of impending doom, so that you do not go gently into that good night.

Obama Still President, Supreme Court Nomination of Merrick Garland Proves

 

Apratim Vidyarthi, Presidential Correspondent

In an event that comes as a surprise to all 24/7 news networks and presidential candidates, the Presidency of the United States is apparently still in the hands of Barack Obama. This “truth” was brought to light when the seemingly-still-President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. While presidential candidates have proposed plans to revamp the economy and repeal Obamacare, few realize that President Obama still has power over the country.

Sources in the Senate report discombobulation and surprise by Republican senators, whose position on the Supreme Court nomination, a replacement for conservative Antonin Scalia, was that the U.S. needs a President to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Asked for a comment, House Majority Leader and Turtle-in-Charge Mitch McConnell said “we initially opposed the nomination of a justice because we believed that a President is required, by the Constitution, for a nomination. We thought President Obama was no longer President, but he’s sneaky, holding onto power for the full eight years. We thought that replacing him on the news with Trump and Cruz would oust him from power.”

Many in the country expressed astonishment that Obama had the gall to remain in power and perform duties required by his office in the midst of an election season. Senator, Presidential Candidate, and Canadian Ted Cruz, in an evidence of his Canadian-ness, apologized for getting the facts wrong, and stated that “I opposed the Supreme Court nomination because I thought we needed a president in the White House before we could replace the justice, as stated in the constitution. I clearly know how the constitution works, because I studied it.” Analysts point to the contradiction that if Barack Obama had truly left the White House vacant, Ted Cruz would be there in less than five minutes to move in.

Former President George W. Bush, who went into hiding after leaving the White House, released a statement which mentioned that “I am surprised Barack Obama is keeping the Presidency for all eight years. I did not have enough stamina and left the White House to Cheney after my sixth year… hehehe. Nonetheless, my brother, who was running for president and is a bigger expert on the constitution than Trump—after all, he did help in Florida in 2000—said that Presidents are not allowed to nominate justices in their final year, especially if they are Democrats… hehehe.”

President Obama, who has struggled to get attention in the news because of their coverage of MH-370, the election, and Justin Bieber’s escapades, held a press conference and stated that “I have not moved out of the White House yet. My mailing address is still here! I cannot believe Senators McConnell and Cruz haven’t noticed, but it’s not like they’re in DC most of the time. I nominated a justice, as I think that’s my job, and it’s not like I have anything else to do, other than enjoy the beaches of Cuba.”

Wikileaks Releases Confidential Valentines

Apratim Vidyarthi, Stolen Valentines Correspondent

Wikileaks recently announced its most troubling cache of files since the Snowden affair, revealing the inner thinkings and workings of presidential candidates. As news goes, these releases were of primary interest to TMZ and E! News, though CNN did run 24 continuous hours of news coverage in a break from their search for MH-370.

Hillary Clinton went for the classic message, with a card that said “Roses are red, violets are blue, campaign for me, because you owe me for 20 years of suffering for you.” In a sign of political shrewdness, Clinton released this message along with her latest batch of emails, fearing that hiding her Valentine’s day message would lead to another 12-hour hearing in Washington DC. A Clinton campaign member, who wishes to retain her anonymity, stated that they hope that this romantic gesture shows that Hillary Clinton has feelings, engages in feelings, and hopefully this will improve her standing amongst younger voters who don’t believe Clinton has feelings.

Bernie Sanders reverted to his stump speech in his message to his wife: “99% of my love is devoted to 1 person: you. Under my Presidency, everyone will get a chance at love. Secretary Clinton has taken donations from Cupid. She will not take on big love.” Sanders is reportedly a big romantic, having taken his wife to the most beautiful of all places for their honeymoon in the 60’s—the USSR.

Marco Rubio gave his wife a card that simply stated “Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” This came as no surprise to scientists, who have begun to investigate whether Senator Rubio is natural or manmade. Constitutional scholars have yet to debate on whether a robot could be eligible for the highest office of the nation.

However, constitutional scholars taking Senator Cruz to court over his citizenship were not surprised by Cruz’s message to his wife. Cruz actually apologized to his wife, saying “I am sorry we’re not together this Valentine’s day. I love you as much as I love America, which by the way is my home country. I love you more than I love machine gun-cooked bacon, and more than Obama loves socialism.” Scientists referred to Cruz’s usage of the word ‘sorry’ as further evidence that Cruz truly is Canadian, and is simply putting up his repugnant facade to gain the trust of (American) voters.

Donald Trump’s Valentine’s day message was classy as himself, writing to his wife that “no wall can get between us. I love you more than I love myself. Also, I would date my daughter.” Analysts expressed surprise not only at the fact that Trump was romantic, but also at the idea that someone is still married to Mr. Trump.

Jeb? Bush, whose candidacy has evolved from Jeb! to Jeb? to Jeb… had a desperate message for his wife, whom he confused as a South Carolina voter: “I hope you’ll vote for me!”

Finally, Wikileaks did not release messages from Ben Carson, who was widely reported to have been asleep during Valentine’s day and thus have missed it; and from John Kasich, who Wikileaks mistakenly identified as an unknown democratic candidate.

Breaking News: GOP Debate Has Facts

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Apratim Vidyarthi, Truth Correspondent

For the first time in nine debates, the GOP debate took a shocking turn as a single candidate uttered a sentence that was rooted in reality. Frontrunner Donald Trump, accompanied by what observers claimed was a lion’s mane seated atop his head, stated that 9/11 happened under the watch of Jeb! Bush’s brother, George W. Bush. Trump took things to the next level, stating that the Iraq war was a failure which was sold to the American people through lies, lies, and “yuge” lies, and that “weapons of mass destruction weren’t discovered in Iraq.”

This clearly crossed a line for the Republican establishment. Unwilling to allow facts to be uttered at a GOP debate, leading fact-debunker Fox News lashed out at Donald Trump. Establishment candidates—who normally deny their association to the establishment—Cruz and Rubio attacked Trump, unwilling to let the man, who previously claimed that “Mexicans are rapists, though some might be good people,” get away with bringing real facts to the table.

Exemplifying the gravity of the situation, Jeb! Bush went as far as to claim that he and former President George W. Bush were actually brothers, and that despite 9/11 and the deaths of more than 5,000 American servicemen, 80,000 Iraqis, and the nonexistent capture of Osama bin Laden, W actually kept America safe.

Some say that George W. Bush and his administration had clear reason to go to war against a ruthless and crazy dictator who suppressed his people, developed weapons of mass destruction, funded terrorist groups, and endangered our allies. Of course, this country was North Korea, but because we use the Imperial system and they use the metric system, we miscalculated, and hit Iraq.

The GOP debate got heated the moment Trump lashed out with facts. Spectators also saw Cruz and Rubio, both children of immigrants who hate immigration laws, speak in Spanish and add insult to injury for those GOP debate watchers who only speak American. Some believe that these instances of facts and bilingualism will lead to the death of the GOP. Others simply watched the carnage, and like Governor John Kasich, just said “aw jeez, oh, man.”