Senate Republicans to Launch Investigation Into Trump Autocannibalism Scandal

by Daniel Bork, Delicious, Delicious Correspondent

For the past few weeks, Senate GOP leaders have been consumed by the question of how best to respond to rising popular pressure over President Trump’s autocannibalism scandal. Beginning last month at a press conference in which it was discovered that the growing porosity and increasingly ruddy tinge of Trump’s skin was caused not by illness or foreign sabotage but by the President systematically excising and consuming significant sections of his own body, the issue came to a head over the weekend in the gruesome audio recordings leaked to the Washington Post. Many congressional Republicans in recent days have ruminated off the record to readme on the possible reactions: while no politician wants to appear soft on cannibalism, a total condemnation risks alienating the very populist base that powered their 2016 re-elections, a prospect that many in the Senate find tough to swallow. However, according to a Wednesday New York Times report, the Senate majority has finally finished digesting their options and plans to respond with a full investigation by the powerful Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry, to begin as early as this April.

Reached for comment at his Lexington home Wednesday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, an influential committee member who is also the Senate Majority Leader, responded that “since President Trump’s policies have been a great boon to conservatism when he has not been preoccupied with responding to media attacks, the time has come to clear the President’s plate by bringing the full power of the committee to bear on this unfortunate happenstance in the form of an investigation.” When asked about the possible cause of Trump’s self-masticatory fixation, McConnell speculated that “while Dr. Bornstein has assured the American people of President Trump’s unprecedentedly superlative health, it may be that the pressures of the Presidency have led him to become somewhat malnourished. Many non-experts do not know this, but the human body is actually the most complete known source of nutrition, containing every essential amino acid needed to survive in exactly the required proportions. A healthy adult male such as the President can expect to survive up to 4-6 weeks on the fruit of his vessel alone.”

When pressed for comment on the political implications of the scandal, a clammy and visibly pale House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was spotted Thursday desperately choking down chunks of his own flesh in the bathroom of noted Capitol Hill hotspot Charlie Palmer Steak, stammered that “I really think Trump has been great for party unity. We used to have all these factions, you know…the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group and all that, who all ate separately and were all chomping at the bit to undermine each other.” After pausing briefly to suppress his gag reflex with a quick punch to the lower lip, Ryan haltingly continued: “Now, everyone’s working together to implement this new dining policy. I really think of this election result as a great victory for the conservative policy vision worldwide.” At this point, the Speaker became intensely focused on a particularly tough piece of his own thigh gristle and refused to respond to further attempts at questioning.

President Trump, in a rare phone interview with readme, rebutted concerns over his autophagy by noting that “Mmph, so good. Mmm. Delicious. Yeah.” In response to questions about the impact of his ingurgitation on the forthcoming re-rollout of his executive order on immigration, the President remarked that “that’s some good leg. Mmm, yes. Trump ouroboros.” Further inquiries on the impact of the scandal on foreign policy, and on the US relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin in particular, elicited copious lip-smacking and the occasional low moan.

At press time, the President had called a press conference to announce a new line of his famous Trump steaks.