New Tech, Old Styles

Apple released a new iPhone, the SE — size of the 5s, specs of the 6s. What other new products could use old form-factors with updated specs?

  • LCD monitors inside CRT bodies
  • Combustion engines inside fake horses that pull a buggy
  • Casing of a big old hard disk from when computers were the size of rooms, with just enough hardware interface to get to the 512 GB USB memory stick on the inside
  • iPhone 22 specs in an iPhone 6s shell, right now in 2016
  • iPhone specs in an old car phone
  • Printers that actually work in today’s printer bodies
  • A laser disk with a Blu-ray spread across it
  • Real musicians hiding inside the iPod
  • An older person’s body with a new person’s brain (basically, a 70-year-old with the mind of a 7-month year old)
  • Skeumorphic icons
  • Flesh of an apple in a banana
  • PS4 internals with PS1 shells
  • Actually, that would be a cool, classic throwback

Open Letter to Apple

Dear Apple,

I am writing to thank you for protecting your consumers. We all know that third-party repairs pose a serious threat to consumer security, and your Error 53 is just doing its part in keeping us safe.

I have been a loyal Apple customer, and bought every product you have ever produced. When you came out with the iPhone, I was amazed. When the iPhone 3G came out, I was amazed again. Same with the iPhone 3Gs. And the iPhone 4. The iPhone 4s was really good, too. You know what, all the iPhones are great, along with the iPads, the Macs, the Lisas, the Newtons, the Apple IIc Pluses, the iPods, the Apple TV, everything. And as long as you keep pumping them out, I’ll keep consuming them.

And your walled garden system is great! Just like a real walled garden, it lets me pay someone else to make my plants look pretty all the while it keeps out thieves who can’t climb fences. Why would I want to hire anyone else to look after all the thriving apps that live inside the garden you tend, Apple?

Just like my one friend who got someone else to work on his garden and had all his flowers trampled, if I were to let someone else attempt to work on my phone—or God forbid, try it myself—I would just be inviting disaster. So when I heard about Error 53 killing phones that had been repaired by unauthorized repair shops, I just laughed and thanked Apple for keeping me safe.

Only an idiot would take their precious iPhone to anywhere other than an Apple Store. Who cares if they’re significantly cheaper or more common or whatever, or that the closest Apple store might be a few states (or countries) away from you. Letting someone else handle the holiness of an iProduct is blasphemy, pure and simple.

I fully support Error 53 and it’s protection of our sacred trust in Apple. It will help shun the non-believers and further ostracize the filthy pagans, which will keep the Apple cohort pure.

 

Sincerely,

Eila Vapp L.

iPhone Fails to Cure Cancer, Apple Users Riot

Despite the hype surrounding the release of Apple’s iPhone 6, consumer trust in the company was irrevocably shattered when customer complaints indicated that the frames of iPhone 6s bent when placed in a user’s pocket. Literally ones of customers reported their phones exhibiting this flaw, sparking a scandal that became known by some as ‘Bendgate’ (or, by those with actual creativity, ‘Bendghazi’).

The Bendghazi scandal swept through the Internet within days of breaking. Videos went viral of iPhone users demonstrating the iPhone’s supposed design flaw by attempting to break the machines they just spent $200 dollars on. It was sort of like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, except instead of raising money for research into curing a debilitating illness, all it did was remind us how little original content there is on YouTube these days.

But is there really any truth to these accusations? According to one consumer, yes, the new iPhone 6 bends surprisingly easy under numerous everyday conditions, like being dropped from a helicopter rappel, used to block bullet fire, and sealed into an underground cavern where the walls slowly move in to crush you. readme asked the consumer what the fuck kind of life she led that this was an everyday thing, but was forced to flee before they got an answer when a horde of angry ninja attacked the consumer.

Thankfully, one Apple customer was more than happy to demonstrate the iPhone 6’s bendability to readme. The first attempt to bend the phone had no visible effect, though the man assured readme that he could do it, definitely, he just needed to get a better grip first. His next five attempts were similarly unsuccessful, which he said was really weird, because he never had that much trouble with it before. Like, any time his girlfriend needs him to bend an iPhone, she goes straight to him, and this one’s probably just stuck anyways. “Maybe if I run it under some hot water,” he mused.

But this Bendghazi scandal is not the only technical issue which plagues the iPhone 6. One Apple user reports to her frustration that the iPhone 6 runs out of battery when not plugged in. Another complains that the iPhone is unable to receive text messages from the future, and a third insists that his iPhone is the reason he has yet to win 2048.

And, of course, there are the allegations that the iPhone 6 has yet to create world peace, solve racism, or cure cancer. Because, really, what’s even the point if the iPhone 6 is just another cellphone? We’re not paying for a phone here, we’re paying for an ideal. Who cares if it’s bigger, or thinner, or comes in a gold frame? Wait holy shit, it comes in a gold frame? readme takes it all back, guys. The iPhone is perfect, Apple is God again.

Report: Google and Apple Not Very Good at Wage Fixing

Image

This is old news though it might surprise any number of people including those running major news publications across the country. Google and Apple (and allegedly several other big-name companies like Adobe, Ebay, Pixar, Intel, Intuit and Microsoft) artificially kept the wages of somewhere around a hundred thousand of their workers lower by agreeing to an under-the-table, unofficial no-hire arrangement wherein they would not seek to hire each others’ employees.This meant that the employees were not as competitive and could not get a better deal at a different company of the same stature.

All this information is available at readme’s fingertips, leading it to wonder if this all is some bizarre act of reverse psychology. The specific agreement in question between Apple and Google took place back in early 2005 and has since been largely ignored by consumers and corporations alike until recently when news of the lawsuit actually finally happening (wow) came to light.

The evidence of this reverse psychology goes deeper as the picture painted by the ever-increasing number of facts grows and that picture paints Steve Jobs wearing a pair of darkly colored goggles, a teardrop tattoo under one eye in black ink and sporting a Hitler-esque mustache.

Jobs was allegedly the center of the plot to enforce the no-hire rule. He strong-armed Adobe into joining the deal, responding to Adobe’s hiring some of his lower-level employees, “OK, I’ll tell our recruiters they are free to approach any Adobe employee who is not a Sr. Director or VP. Am I understanding your position correctly?” all whilst twiddling with his mustache and tying inDesign to a railroad track.

Really this should not have come as a surprise to anyone. I mean his name is Jobs. Steve Jobs. Like the supervillain “Steal Jobs”? Come one guys. This guy was worse at hiding it than Superman with his tiny glasses.

And this leads readme back to the reverse psychology thing. Google knew that it would be implicitly guilty for the crimes, even though Steal Jobs seems to be the instigator. Maybe it thinks that by remaining honest and allowing this information on its servers it would maintain some trust with its users, and be painted as the underdog startup it would still kind of like to be.

All the ruckus leaves readme to contemplate how the (old) scandal will affect Carnegie Mellon in the coming weeks and years. How will the companies know who’s been hired by who? How will we all get hired if Google thinks Apple owns our asses?