Real IRL True Life Facts About Vegans

by The Voice of Reason

In a study conducted by readme, team researches attempted to determine precisely what it is about vegans that makes them so despicable. Is it their incessant protesting of the natural order of killing animals to survive or their protein-deficiency induced delirium? Listen up right quick: it was those vegan jagoffs who tried to tell us bacon caused cancer back in ‘15. The so-called “cancer researchers” were using unsound methods to arrive at their conclusion. Employing an outdated and fallacious method known as an epidemiological study, they came to the erroneous conclusion that some of the greatest foods are carcinogenic. While “epidemiological studies” are mocked by today’s advanced society, we must remember that the very “scientists” who did this investigation are of the tribe that believes that we should all subsist on grass and twigs.

First and foremost, the folks at readme determined that the main reason someone would be possessed to become vegan is by some sort of love, unicorns, and other such brainwashing, cloaked under their so-called “compassion for animals” and “environmentalism.” I mean really, who could possibly be accepting of someone who would dare to think of the consequences of their actions? A group that has the audacity to question the current system will be lampooned, and rightly so. Do you really expect us to get any protein from cucumbers? Do you presume we can get lions to eat tofu zebras? Any modern medical expert knows we evolved to eat the flesh and mammary secretions of factory farmed animals.

So I want y’all to use yer noggins! Next time some vegan tries spreading their propaganda about trying to “save the planet” and generally being a carrot-lovin’ hippie, remember this here fact right now: you need meat to get protein. And besides, if everyone went vegan, all the ranches would shut down. Fences and walls would be demolished and the cows would take over the world. Turkeys would crash through windshields all over the earth when they could be living safely on a farm, having the peace of mind that at the ripe old age of 5 months they’ll get an all-expenses paid trip to a nice tingly bath followed by a shiny spinning disk to give them one last satisfying tickle to the neck. If you vegans think you’re such good people, how would you like knowing you’re to blame when all the feral hogs start rooting up your local organic radishes? How would y’all so-called “conscientious consumers” like knowing about all the corn and soybeans you mercilessly slaughter? Plants have feelings too.

Slice of White Bread Chosen to Fill Open Supreme Court Seat

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

In yet another in a series of political stunners, Donald Trump has chosen to fill the open seat on the Supreme Court with a literal piece of white bread.

The seat, vacated nearly a year ago by the death of Justice Antonin “Far-Right Nutjob Before It Was Cool” Scalia, was intended to be filled by the eminently qualified Obama nominee Merrick Garland, but a combination of Republican intransigence and NO WAIT THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON caused his confirmation hearing to be delayed to the point of mootness.

Naturally, Trump’s nomination of an inanimate slice of uncooked toast has made waves among politicians and ordinary citizens alike, or at least among those who consider Alex Jones’ InfoWars rants to be anything less than God’s honest truth. The nomination was duly criticized by Senate Democrats and-

*deep sigh*

Okay, look.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a political satirist these days? And don’t give me any of that “are you kidding? there’s more to satirize than ever!” crap. Coming up with stories more insane than what’s actually going on right now is a legitimate challenge. The best I can do is resort to the shallow jab that Neil Gorsuch is boring. Hell, Gorsuch doesn’t even seem like that terrible of a choice, but what else am I going to write about? Sean Spicer? Steve Bannon? Trump complaining on Twitter about the travel ban ruling? They’re pretty much all already parodies of themselves.

Man, I remember the good old days, back when the Republican primary race was completely up in the air. We still had hope then. God, the most pressing issue we were facing was that Congress was incompetent, as though that was something that hasn’t been continuously true since 1774. Remember how I wrote that article about celebrating Government Shutdown Day? Heh, that was a pretty good one.

That must’ve been back in Fall 2015. I was so young then. We all were.

Anyway, Neil Gorsuch is boring, he’s pretty conservative, at least Trump didn’t nominate [insert reality TV star here] for the bench, etc., etc.. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pour myself a drink, make myself a sandwich, lean back in my standard-issue CMU desk chair, and dull my political sorrows, if only briefly, with anime and My Brother, My Brother and Me.

At press time…man, whatever.

Day 7: They Still Do Not Realize I Am Not a Readme

by Kevin Thies, Secret…Aaaaagent Man

What is “readme”?

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself more and more lately. It only first occurred to me as I stood in front of the barren kiosk, the usual perch of the weekly readme. Where do they come from? Are they sustainably sourced from a room of students, the input being food and coffee, and the final product being these documents scattered around campus?

I’ve been asked many a time to write for readme, since they’re constantly looking for funny writers, non-funny writers, photomanipulation artists, and freshmen, and I finally decided to jump in and see just where readme gets its content. Writing for readme would allow me to go undercover and see just where it comes from.

However, this proved more difficult than I had originally anticipated. First of all, I had to find something to write. Afterwards, I would have to use the pretense of writing for readme to get into one of the meetings. I hesitantly decided the 4:30 meeting on the 27th would do for my infiltration. After those two steps, I’d be in the home stretch.

Now, the question turned to finding an appropriate subject to write about. After all, I would need to write for readme to successfully infiltrate their system. However, I figured the writing could come later. It was then that I realized that there was another, more subtle, question to address. How? How does one write for readme?

Having gotten used to keeping an eye out for the latest readme before entering Schatz, I began flipping through the pages while pretending to not be alone so as to not draw too much attention to myself. I knew readme was typically filled with funny content and witty commentary. However, I myself wasn’t graced with good writing or a particularly strong sense of literary humor, so I felt that was out of the question. I realized then that what readme was looking for wasn’t dying memes or political commentary, but another meta article. People love meta, even if it isn’t particularly funny. The stage was set. All I needed to do was wait for the meeting and set the plan in action.

Fast forward a few days. I successfully got into the readme offices. The staff there thought I’d be writing an article, and didn’t suspect a thing as I jotted down notes, keeping track of the small details and topics, especially when they started making waffles. These had to be what they sustained themselves with, the input to the system that creates readme. I asked Janine, a “fellow compatriot,” if the waffles, and by extension readme, were sustainably sourced. Her answer, and the very thing my search had been for all along, was no. There it was. readme is not sustainably sourced, and was fueled by waffles, not coffee. My quest being over, I inconspicuously hung around for another hour before being one of the last ones out.

Nobody suspects a thing.

 

Trump Signs Executive Order Editing Statue of Liberty Plaque to “LOL NOPE”

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

The world was rocked this week when, in one of his first moves as President, Donald “Already At Mid-Second-Term Levels of Disapproval” Trump signed an executive order shutting down America’s refugee program and closing its borders to people from several Muslim-majority countries. Despite throngs of people across the political spectrum coming out in opposition to this piece of counterproductive political showmanship, readme can now confirm that Trump is doubling down by formally changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from Emma Lazarus’ sonnet The New Colossus to, simply, LOL NOPE.

“Reliable” sources within the Trump Administration have also indicated that the new text will not only be in 400-point font but will also be in bolded Impact, so as to “make certain the message gets across that, yeah, we super all the way don’t want you here.” According to Trump’s nascent Office of Management and Budget, the project is expected to cost $2 million, which when converted to Not Crazy Person Money translates to a cool $15 mil, minimum.

Naturally, politicians of all stripes and people across the nation have been incensed by Trump’s brazen willingness to essentially deface a national landmark with particularly unclassy xenophobia. Well, politicians of some stripes and roughly half of people across the nation, at least. The rest are A-OK with it. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, Breitbart just put out an article alleging that the immortal words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free” are fake news produced by the liberal media to defame our glorious leader. Obviously.

Among the people across this nation who actually are incensed, though, a heroic few are getting off their asses and doing something about it, for instance by writing invective thinly disguised as satire. Truly, these brave men and women are doing yeomen’s work out there in the political wilderness, taming the beasts of tyranny with elegant strokes of their blades. Well, pens. Keyboards, if we’re really being honest.

(This is me I’m talking about here, by the way. Can you tell? Anyway, yeah, it’s me. Mark Saporta. The writer of this article. I’m basically the best. You’re welcome.)

At press time, Trump had quietly issued four more far-reaching executive orders while the media desperately attempted to process the previous four. Welcome, my friends, to the Darkest Timeline.

 

More Accurate Names for CMU Classes

by Mark Saporta, Most Reliable Source of CMU Knowledge

Interp: High School English Redux

Intro to Philosophy: Freshman Self-Righteousness Seminar

Elementary Japanese: Weeb Trash 101

Concepts of Mathematics: Lern 2 Pruf

Calc III: Because Double Integration Wasn’t Tedious Enough

DPAPI: Literally Just AP GoPo

Reason, Passion, and Cognition: Four Months of Extremely Intuitive Psychology

Behavioral Decision Making: The Same Thing, Again

Behavioral Econ and Public Policy: America Sucks! The Class

Intermediate Microeconomics: WHOOPS ECON REQUIRES CALC

Intermediate Macroeconomics: Have Fun With 12-Variable Equations, Asshole!

Financial Crises and Risk: The 2008 Recession! The Class

Public Economics: Macro, but a Third as Difficult

Game Theory for Economists: Surprise! It’s Literally Just Math

Writing for Economists: Formatting is Ninety Percent of Your Grade

Stat 201, 202: Barely Even Worth Attending

Intro to Probability: WHOOPS STATISTICS REQUIRES CALC

Econometrics I and II: Statistics, But Presented Confusingly

15-110: CS for Future Presidents

15-112: Basically a Part-Time Job, but You’re Paying to Do It

15-251: CS Theory Hell

15-213: Systems Hell

15-410: 9th Circle of CS Hell

15-418: All 9 Circles of Systems Hell at Once

Waluigi: Man as His Own God

by Michael Quinn, Nintendo Will to Power Correspondent

I wish to dispel an abhorrent fallacy touted by my so-called intellectual “peers”; that Waluigi represents the totally denigrated individual in a postmodern age. That, as a reflective copy of Luigi, who is himself the inferior mimesis of Mario, the “original individual,” Waluigi is the heir of a fractured and disenfranchised identity, a concept we can relate to in our landscape of cultural starvation and auto-cannibalism. By this thesis we, like Waluigi, are desperate attempts at self-configured identity, cursed to have nothing to name ourselves by but the ruins of cultural artifacts that themselves have been in a state of compulsory regurgitation for decades.

It tempts us to keel over and die under the weight of our culture’s carcass, simply because eating our way through it is the only other option. Mario lacks the gall to walk over corpses. Waluigi will carry us through.

My antithesis is built on a single linch-pin: that Luigi is, unflinchingly, superior to Mario.  The modern evolution. Harder, better, faster, stronger. Luigi is the unsung heroic foil to Mario’s archetypal “man against the world” complex. Mario seeks to be a sourceless identity, but he is the most vapidly lauded “main character” there can be; nothing but the filled shoes of a tired protagonist role. Luigi on the other hand needs no illusion of a central role in his universe to have fulfillment. he quietly excels and derives deep joy from the passions of tennis, karting, and general exploration of himself and his world, for no purpose but the experience itself. Luigi is the one whose inner universe makes sense in a post-madness age, while Mario clings to the dead story of being a slayer of dragons; a savior of princesses. The new world has no dragons, and nothing worth saving. Luigi understands this.

Luigi’s alter-ego in Super Paper Mario, a villain named Mr. L, is his triumph over morality. Luigi stands unbowing to the illusion of right and wrong imposed by whichever war-criminals of the century decided to define justice. While Mario enslaves himself to the order of law, Luigi practices anarchy of the *soul*. Luigi destroys his identity and reconstructs himself untethered by “good” and “evil.” Why? Because he is capable of liberating and re-engineering his Id through his will, against society and state, to define a meaningful existence in a world where none exists. He walks a territory of individualist nihilism where Mario fears to tread. Luigi is a Randian hero in the likeness of Howard Roark, while Mario is Gale Wynand.

Luigi’s labyrinthian exorcism of his Haunted Mansion, a mansion which ensnared Mario, is a metaphor for his ultimate triumph against the age of reason and romanticism, the age of antiquity. Luigi walked through the mansion of the past, the reliquary of man’s pathetic ego that he built to himself: history, and was reborn on the other side. Mario is Ozymandias. Luigi is the Poet.

And Waluigi? He is Luigi’s Id in total abandonment of the vestiges of Luigi’s form and antiquated origin. Obscured and sharpened! Reborn to himself. Re-mixed as if from an alternate universe of the subconscious. Un-enslaved by even his own sense of *self*-history. Waluigi is the one whose existence is sane in the new age. A rebirth of a rebirth of a corpse. He is the Ubermensch.

To those who hold their dying messiah of classicism, Mario, up to the cold neon light of modernity, praying that he will turn it into a benevolent sun, I say this:

No gods. No kings. Only WAH.

EMT Curious About Quality of Beer

Mike Kruckel, an emergency medical technician responding to the apparent alcohol poisoning of a female freshman on Thursday, reportedly wanted to know if the illegally ingested beer responsible for messing up Sally Fitzsimmons, 18 was any good. As Sally drifted in and out of consciousness, the officer posited So what kind of beer was it, Sally, anything good? White beer, IPA, lager?At the time of this incident, Sally was too incapacitated to answer Mr. Kruckels question, but sources suggest that several cans of low-quality warm Natural Light beer were most likely responsible for her stupor.

While conscious, Sally wondered if the nature of Pennsylvanias amnesty law could prevent her legal guardians from finding out about the incident. She was informed that they would receive the hospital bill. At press time, sources close to Sally have confirmed that the beer did not kill her, but her parents probably will.

Freshman Really Wants Floormates to Know He’s Fulfilling Fitness-Related New Year’s Resolutions

by Manet Ramsey, Getting Swole Correspondent

Two empty cardboard boxes were left in a hallway of Mudge House this Sunday, one of which was positioned with its inspirational messages relegated to the sides so that the logo and URL of the boxs origin, Bodybuilding.com, was prominently displayed on the top. Most noticeably, the boxes were left just outside the dorm room of the student who had ordered something from Bodybuilding.com, rather than next to the trash cans on the other end of the corridor.

“Its not that Im too lazy to walk down to the other side of the hallway,said the freshman, who would prefer to remain anonymous but who has a one-in-three chance of being named Mike. I really want everyone on our floor to know that someone in our suite is totally sticking to his New Years resolutions this year. And youll all know its me when I start looking absolutely jacked.

The freshman declined to comment when asked whether he carried or carted the boxs heavy contents from the Cohon Center to Mudge.

Kanye West Makes History as First Professional Rapper President

by Mark Saporta, Political Correspondent Emeritus

WASHINGTON D.C, JANUARY 20, 2021—Three months after his landslide victory over Republican incumbent Mike Pence, Kanye West was inaugurated today as the 47th President of the United States. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter was also inaugurated as the 49th and first female Vice President of the United States, succeeding incumbent VP Martin Shkreli.

The inauguration, a raucous affair featuring musical performances not only by many of the President’s former colleagues but also by the President himself, was described by attendee Nicholas Rauen as “the official return of the dankest timeline.” In a notable departure from tradition, West put a beat behind his inauguration speech; the speech will reportedly be one of the tracks on West’s upcoming concept album Commander-in-Chief.

When asked for comment immediately following the event, President West reportedly said that he was “…just so appreciative of [his] beautiful wife Kim Kardashian and [their] daughter North for standing by me during this difficult campaign.” First Lady Kardashian was unavailable for comment, as she was busy liveblogging the event on several social media sites.

Now that he is officially in office, President West plans to appoint Malcolm J. “Mac Miller” McCormick as Chief of Staff, Shawn “Jay Z” Carter as Secretary of State, Marshall “Eminem” Mathers as Secretary of Defense, and Tauheed “2 Chainz” Epps as Treasury Secretary. The newly Democrat-controlled Senate is expected to confirm all of President West’s nominees in short order, and, in an ironic twist, former Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s 2017 deployment of the “nuclear option” means that the Republicans will be unable to filibuster any of West’s appointments. However, the seemingly nepotistic appointment of the Vice President’s husband as Secretary of State has even some Democratic commentators worried.

President West’s policy positions are still unclear, but he is likely to follow up on his signature campaign promise to decrease the influence of the executive branch in response to the abuse-of-power scandals of the Trump administration. The coalition that propelled him to office will expect him to act in accordance with his campaign slogan: “No one man should have all this power.”

Other potential policy priorities are the creation of a strategic bass reserve, a broad-based crackdown on gold diggers, the adoption of a new redistributive economic program through which the wealthy will flick stacks of high-denomination bills at the poor, and immigration reform.

At press time, Insane Clown Posse frontmen Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope were reportedly considering a joint Presidential run in 2024.

David Bowie Dies Again to Kick Off 2017

by Daniel Bork, Celebrepocalypse Correspondent

Numerous sources are reporting that, tragically, 2017 has already begun its run at 2016’s unprecedented celebrity body count, as beloved English singer-songwriter David Bowie has died, again. According to the New York Times report, the reanimated corpse of Mr. Bowie, 69+1, was spotted by security guards at approximately 7:30 A.M. Friday morning attempting to shamble over the White House lawn security fence. Defying its apparent uncoordination and advanced state of decomposition, the iconic undead creature then performed a complicated end run around security personnel on the North Lawn, taking advantage of the fetid stench of its rotting flesh to ward off canine units and open up gaps in surveillance coverage. Upon reaching the North Portico, the then-former Mr. Bowie, dressed in a nightgown and gauze blindfold resembling those worn in the video for his recent hit single “Lazarus,” proceeded to set up a series of battery-powered stage lights, which flashed in dazzling unison as the trespassing ex-Englishman was finally gunned down by Secret Service agents.

“I thought it went over pretty well when I died of liver cancer at the beginning of 2016,” explained the recently re-deceased in an exclusive interview with Readme, “but, this year, I thought I’d do something with a little more pizzazz. Something that tells you that 2017 is really a year you can get excited about. I know there were a lot of complaints about that last year, that after my first death, it was all downhill from there. And…sorry, excuse me for a moment,” paused the noted serial corpse, manually readjusting its deteriorated facial muscles into a crude facsimile of a contemplative frown. “It really breaks my heart to see my fans disappointed about the insufficiency of my demise. Metaphorically, that is. Literally, my heart is actually the healthiest remaining major organ in my cadaver, and the power of vision departed my vacant sockets at least 3/5 deaths ago.”

White House personnel reacted ambivalently to the episode; while mortified by the apparent security breach, many respondents seemed to appreciate Dead Bowie’s choice of the Executive Mansion as a promotional venue despite the potentially ominous connotations of his extensive putrefaction. Senior Counselor to the President Steve Bannon, for instance, observed that “we were really worried about the lack of star power at the Inauguration, but Bowie really came through for us, regardless of how the vultures circled overhead for hours afterwards and the screams of the burning damned threatened to drown out President Trump’s address. We at the Trump Administration welcome the contributions of all types of carnage, including both American and British, to the ascension of our regime. And, from a personal standpoint,” continued Mr. Bannon, pausing to adjust his Ziggy Stardust t-shirt and wipe stage makeup from his pallid, clammy face, “as an undead creature myself, I’m a big fan. I consider this a real step forward for the rights of all unrepentant sinners and atrocious net-negative human beings, such as myself, worldwide.” President Trump himself could not be reached for comment, as he had become trapped on the steps of the US Capitol after much of the National Mall suddenly descended into a boiling lake of fire. At press time, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer had released an official statement that affirmed that everything in “the hottest inauguration of all time” was going to plan, and that the rash of earthquakes associated with the geologic upheaval were “exactly what the American people need to shake up Washington.”