CRIME ALERT 2017-002: Local Computer Cluster Terrorized by Handwriting Narcissist

by Cam Wong, Graphology Correspondent

PITTSBURGH, PA—The denizens of a computer cluster on Carnegie Mellon campus reported repeated attacks yesterday by a mysterious figure who scrawled a number of unintelligible charts, graphs and figures onto the cluster whiteboard before vanishing into the night. Such attacks have been occurring throughout the semester, citizens claim, but with varying regularity and intensity.

Oftentimes, the charts are a quick source of anger and debate amidst cluster residents. “I’ll just walk in some days, and there’ll be some new graph of ‘various anime ranked by secondary animal lead’ just sitting there,” says Nick Rauen, the self-proclaimed protagonist of life. “Most of the time, it’s not even accurate! Whoever this guy is, he should at least fix his taste in anime.” According to one source, however, the real danger is in the graphs’ power to drag the cluster into an intense discussion (said source requested anonymity for fear of losing rank on the recent “best cluster dwellers” list). “I was planning on finishing my 112 project that day,” our source says, “but then I ended up dragged into determining where my haircut placed me on the prescriptivism spectrum! It took four hours and we still couldn’t even agree on the definition of ‘hair’!” Truly, this madman is a threat to peace and productivity clusterwide.

readme’s political correspondent was unable to be contacted for comments.

Senate Republicans to Launch Investigation Into Trump Autocannibalism Scandal

by Daniel Bork, Delicious, Delicious Correspondent

For the past few weeks, Senate GOP leaders have been consumed by the question of how best to respond to rising popular pressure over President Trump’s autocannibalism scandal. Beginning last month at a press conference in which it was discovered that the growing porosity and increasingly ruddy tinge of Trump’s skin was caused not by illness or foreign sabotage but by the President systematically excising and consuming significant sections of his own body, the issue came to a head over the weekend in the gruesome audio recordings leaked to the Washington Post. Many congressional Republicans in recent days have ruminated off the record to readme on the possible reactions: while no politician wants to appear soft on cannibalism, a total condemnation risks alienating the very populist base that powered their 2016 re-elections, a prospect that many in the Senate find tough to swallow. However, according to a Wednesday New York Times report, the Senate majority has finally finished digesting their options and plans to respond with a full investigation by the powerful Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry, to begin as early as this April.

Reached for comment at his Lexington home Wednesday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, an influential committee member who is also the Senate Majority Leader, responded that “since President Trump’s policies have been a great boon to conservatism when he has not been preoccupied with responding to media attacks, the time has come to clear the President’s plate by bringing the full power of the committee to bear on this unfortunate happenstance in the form of an investigation.” When asked about the possible cause of Trump’s self-masticatory fixation, McConnell speculated that “while Dr. Bornstein has assured the American people of President Trump’s unprecedentedly superlative health, it may be that the pressures of the Presidency have led him to become somewhat malnourished. Many non-experts do not know this, but the human body is actually the most complete known source of nutrition, containing every essential amino acid needed to survive in exactly the required proportions. A healthy adult male such as the President can expect to survive up to 4-6 weeks on the fruit of his vessel alone.”

When pressed for comment on the political implications of the scandal, a clammy and visibly pale House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was spotted Thursday desperately choking down chunks of his own flesh in the bathroom of noted Capitol Hill hotspot Charlie Palmer Steak, stammered that “I really think Trump has been great for party unity. We used to have all these factions, you know…the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group and all that, who all ate separately and were all chomping at the bit to undermine each other.” After pausing briefly to suppress his gag reflex with a quick punch to the lower lip, Ryan haltingly continued: “Now, everyone’s working together to implement this new dining policy. I really think of this election result as a great victory for the conservative policy vision worldwide.” At this point, the Speaker became intensely focused on a particularly tough piece of his own thigh gristle and refused to respond to further attempts at questioning.

President Trump, in a rare phone interview with readme, rebutted concerns over his autophagy by noting that “Mmph, so good. Mmm. Delicious. Yeah.” In response to questions about the impact of his ingurgitation on the forthcoming re-rollout of his executive order on immigration, the President remarked that “that’s some good leg. Mmm, yes. Trump ouroboros.” Further inquiries on the impact of the scandal on foreign policy, and on the US relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin in particular, elicited copious lip-smacking and the occasional low moan.

At press time, the President had called a press conference to announce a new line of his famous Trump steaks.

Schenley Park Awaiting Approval for Recreational Use

by Spencer Early, Green Spaces Correspondent

In a public Citiparks meeting last week, Mayor Bill Peduto made the controversial proposition to allow certain parks for recreational use. Citing difficulties with enforcement and expressing doubt about the deleterious health effects of using parks for fun, Peduto put forth this contentious suggestion. The proposed pilot program, “Let’s Have Fun at a Park”, will gradually phase in parks for recreational use, starting with Schenley. While the practice of visiting one of the city’s parks to go for a run, walk the dog, or otherwise benefit one’s physical and mental health is commonly accepted, this highly contested move of legalizing the act of visiting a park for fun has created divisive lines in our community.

“Enjoying your recreational options should be a personal choice,” said pro-recreational park user Ben Blazer. Other voices supporting the recreational use of Schenley Park included police chief Scott Schubert, contending that “excessive enforcement and inspection of doctor’s orders to ensure visitors of Schenley Park are there solely for medical purposes is straining on the city budget. By opening Schenley Park for recreational use, we can re-channel our resources towards cutting down on violent crime, as well as potentially boosting the economy.”

However, others are not so thrilled with the proposal. Director of park safety Bea Keehrful warns “We don’t want people to think that going to a park to play can be a wholesome activity. Any form of recreation is inextricably linked with ill side effects. Also, visiting parks ‘just for fun’ can be a dangerous gateway into other risky activities such as standing up to stretch for every hour of sitting at a desk.” Such mounting concerns are reasons why Schenley Park is still awaiting approval for recreational use. Concerned citizen Bob Boring worried that “[my daughter’s] school will allow them to go past the safety of the fenced-in playground to a park for so-called ‘recreational use’ – imagine what horrors she might see. It still sends chills down my spine recalling The Incident of the summer of ‘05 when the two kids caught playing hopscotch at Mellon Park got carted off to jail. Recreational use of parks is illegal for a reason.”

In the meantime, Peduto recommends visiting Schenley Park for recreational purposes under the cover of darkness until the law is passed.

We Still Hate Millennials, Right?

by Mark Saporta, Generational Grand Canyon Correspondent

Millennials.

Next time you see a millennial, look at them. Really look at them. Stare at them with all of your psyche, and you will see what I see. You will see them as they truly are, and then you will understand.

They are beings of pure sin.

The first, most important thing to know about millennials is that they are Bad. They are not bad in a conventional sense, like a punch to the face or Nickelback. No, they are objectively bad. They are bad in a way that the word “bad” cannot even describe, because “bad” is a human word meant for use on a human scale. Millennials are cosmically bad. They are badness distilled. They are, in a very real sense, devils in human conceit.

Perhaps that is unfair. At least Lucifer was once an angel. Millennials lack even that erstwhile glimmer of decency. They were born of evil, they are evil, they shall return to evil. So it goes.

And don’t get me started on man buns. What genius thought those looked good? Sheesh, kids these days. Anyway:

You may be asking “Why are millennials bad?” “What proof have you of this quality?” And you would be well within your rights to ask such a thing. Alas, I cannot answer.

I cannot answer why millennials are so bad for the same reason one cannot answer why despair is so tragic, or hatred so dreadful. Despair and hatred are concepts; so too, in a way, are millennials. They do not simply bear evil within them, they are synonymous with evil.

And they’re always whining about their triggers and their safe spaces. It’s like, come on, you privileged fucks, grow the hell up! You’re not going to be able to shield your precious little eyes from reality forever!

You know, when I was a young man, we didn’t get pissy if our goddamn quinoa wasn’t cruelty-free! We didn’t bellyache all day about how society was oppressing us! We weren’t hellspawns in the guise of man, bringing ruin through our very being! No, god dammit, we were normal, decent people with normal, decent lives! These pampered, coddled harbingers of malevolence would do well to follow suit.