About readme

Carnegie Mellon University's Satirical Newsletter

THE BEAR

readme’s mascot THE BEAR, was inducted into the Avengers Initiative last week after she was spotted being fabulous in this red two piece. When asked for comment, Nick Fury said that THE BEAR was already contributing to the team by providing naps in her soft, soft fur. When THE BEAR was asked for comment, she commented, “RAAAAAWAAAAARRRRRRRRR”

readme’s mascot THE BEAR, was inducted into the Avengers Initiative last week after she was spotted being fabulous in this red two piece. When asked for comment, Nick Fury said that THE BEAR was already contributing to the team by providing naps in her soft, soft fur. When THE BEAR was asked for comment, she commented, “RAAAAAWAAAAARRRRRRRRR”

Things you (or readme) should do before graduating

  1. Attend one or more classes.
  2. Shower (optional)
  3. Express disdain for someone in a different college/major.
  4. Feel secret jealousy for someone in your own major.
  5. Take a “class” at “Pitt”
  6. Express strong (negative) feelings about a student organization you’ve never actually interacted with.
  7. Throw up at Schatz.
  8. Successfully make yourself a waffle at Schatz (we dare you!)
  9. Wake up in a dorm you’ve never been to before or will ever go to again.
  10. Paint the fence
  11. Use the fence to make a vague political or artistic statement
  12. Take a picture of yourself next to Walking to the Sky; scoff with disdain at someone else doing the same thing.
  13. Get laid
  14. Write that last paper that you need to pass that last class so you can actually graduate
  15. Write an article for readme
  16. Watch the walks of shame begin on a Sunday morning
  17. Make a list (and check it twice)
  18. Eat off campus.
  19. Go to sleep when it’s dark and wake up when it’s bright, but not super bright.
  20. Learn your roommates names.
  21. Realize that readme is part of the Activities Board

Best Boardgame Crossovers

DontWakeCthulu

 

  • Settlers of Candyland
  • Chess Who
  • Sorry I sunk your Battleship
  • Risk and Ladders
  • Michael Bay’s Jenga
  • Finance Monopoly
  • Hungry Hungry Operation
  • Hungry Hungry Axis and Allies
  • Pandemic omega Virus
  • Don’t Wake the Arkham Horror
  • Connect Uno
  • Parchess
  • Yahtzee: The Gathering
  • Battlestar Hogwarts: Battle for Westeros
  • Dungeons and Dragons and Mouse Traps
  • Diploma-sea
  • Ants in the Pants 40K
  • Betrayal at Pictionary
  • Pandemic of Catan
  • 7 Clues
  • A Game of Ladders
  • Agricoludo
  • 50 Cent’s Bop-It
  • Don’t Break the Space Hulk!
  • Small Munchkin
  • Once Upon a Junta
  • Escape from Puerto Rico
  • Betrayal at Candyland

BetrayalatCandyland

Obama to “Bin Laden” Kim Jung Un

Obama announced yesterday a new plan to take care of the North Korean conflict; “Bin Laden him”. The phrase, which Obama coined at his announcement, refers to the May 2011 strike that ended Osama Bin Laden’s life.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna do what I did to that guy last time,” Obama bragged at the press

conference, “Best part is, North Korea’s got, like, no lights up past 9pm their time. Send in the Sixers, lights DOUBLY out, Jungster! It’s gonna be a piece of cake.”

“Which is more than most North Koreans can say they’ve had!” Obama crowed at the mostly stunned audience, and lifted an open palm over his head. “Haha, get it? Because they’re so poor, right, they can’t afford even one, ah, even one single piece of cake! Who’s with me! Up top!”

The president’s open hand reportedly remained unslapped for a full five minutes before a correspondant ran over and whispered into Obama’s ear, informing the president that the operation had been cancelled due to an intel leak of his secret plan.

In Other News

Vice President Biden has been missing since 10pm yesterday, eastern time.

This Week in Bears: the Classifieds

Single Panda Seeks Good Man

15-year-old female panda seeks male to grow old and have children with. Is a bit high-maintenance at times, but otherwise quiet, sedentary, a rare find. Not very picky about mates—it’s so hard to find a nice male panda these days, for some reason—but must enjoy frequent visits to the zoo. No one voiced by Jack Black, please.

Polar Bear Looking for Good Time

Large, well-nourished polar bear, 10 years, looking for young female bear for good time. A fit specimen, will totally fight for right to mate with you, but will also take you to fancy breathing hole, treat you to nice whale carcass first. If interested, give roar at nearest seal-hunting grounds.

Female Bear Seeks Deadbeat Dad

Brown bear, 12 years old, brunette, seeks asshole to sleep with her once and never call again. Must like one-night stands, emotional distance, and driving off all other men who dare to approach your chosen mate. Cannot show any interest in raising the cubs or providing alimony. If this sounds like you, come to my cave some time. But only once. Seriously, I will eat you.

Sun Bear Looking for Honey

Healthy male, 16, not really looking for a serious relationship, just for a cute bear to call ‘honey’. Must enjoy hugging, head bobbing, and breaking open wood to look for termites. Preferably looking for a diurnal type—I’m a real bear in the evenings—but not a deal-breaker. Give me a roar if you’re interested, and we’ll see where it goes.

Koala Bear Just Wants to Be Loved

Koala bear just looking for someone to tell it that it’s okay just the way it is. It’s not picky, really, all it needs is someone that’ll ignore the fact that it’s technically a marsupial and call it a ‘koala bear’ so it can feel like part of the group for just five seconds. If interested, give a bellow, or maybe just follow the sound of its sad koala tears.

Features of readme’s Buggy

Untitled

 

  • Driven by readme.
  • Pushed by readme.
  • The buggy itself is made of readme’s.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet
  • More powerful than a locomotive
  • Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
  • it’s a bird
  • it’s a plane
  • it’s Superman
  • Swift as a coursing river
  • Has all the force of a great typhoon
  • And all the strength of a raging fire
  • It’s mysterious as the dark side of the moon
  • Throws bannanas behind it ala MarioKart
  • Is buggier than a 110 student’s homework
  • Punching bags extend from its sides ala Speed Racer
  • Would also never wake up at 8am to watch itself
  • Actually qualifies for rolls
  • Can do a wheelie
  • Does not require a small, female driver
  • Has that guy from that class you once had as a pusher.
  • Has a whole team of pushers; none of them the fun kind.
  • Is horseless.
  • Will NOT “teach you how to buggy, teach you teach you how to buggy”
  • All its bitches love it.
  • Respects the posted speed limit.

Iron Lady Undergoes Upgrades

For those of you who pay attention to what silly foreigners are up to, you may think Margaret Thatcher recently died. readme calls bullshit! After learning about British culture and biology by watching the last 20 seasons of Doctor Who in 3 days, readme understands that when British people die, they regenerate into a new form. We can only assume Thatcher has shed her aged original form and become a new being: the Iron Lady Mark II.

According to a bunch of nerds wearing lab coats, the Mark II will better allow Thatcher to combat the perils of socialism currently overtaking England. The main improvements will include high-powered repulsor rays able to destroy excessively high taxes and explode social safety nets. Iron Lady Mark II will also have shoulder-mounted missile launchers to destroy enemy warships, nuclear weapons, and striking trade union members.

To properly welcome Thatcher back, current Prime Minister David Cameron will be replaced with James Cameron, who will direct a feature film about her return. The film will showcase Margaret Thatcher’s new abilities, and also provide an intro to her newest project: joining the Avengers initiative. In a recent interview with Avengers leader Samuel L. Jackson, Jackson explained that Iron Lady Mark II will provide a boost to the team’s explosions/nonexplosions ratio. According to a study by the Michael Bay School of Directing and Exploding Things, the explosion ratio (known as the KABOOM number by science-y people) is directly correlated with the awesomeness of any hero team-up.

Not all of the Avengers are happy with their newest team member. Captain America is legally required to distrust foreigners, and Iron Man is deathly allergic to being upstaged. Apparently Hulk was very excited, as he proceeded to smash slightly more than he usually does, and Hulk only smashes when he’s excited. Or angry. Or bored. Or when it’s raining. He may not actually be excited.

Welcome to the Dark Carnival

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The end times are upon us. I know not how it began; I was busy working on that really difficult homework assignment, you know, for that one class you’re in. By the time I emerged from the library, it was already over. I didn’t realize what had happened at first. I could see students hoarding timber and wearing protective headgear, but I had no idea why. Then I found out CMU had canceled classes, which could only mean that the world had ended. Since the end of the world meant no more Game of Thrones, I decided the best use of my time was to chronicle these dark days for those who come after.

It was strange to see how quickly civilization fell after the disaster. Students gorged themselves on sugary snacks and fried foods, no doubt to store up calories for the incoming famine. The nights were filled with loud noises and bright lights, most likely to ward off the nocturnal predators of this apocalyptic wasteland. I could hear laughter everywhere I went, but it was a desperate, hollow sort, the result of fending off a slow descent into madness.

Eventually, a primitive sort of order arose from the chaos, a reversion back to the hunter-gather days of old. Many of the survivors had banded together into tribal units of ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ that identified themselves with letters from some far-off land. With their gathered timber, they built makeshift huts for shelter. Those the tribes had rejected were forced to wander from hut to hut, performing menial tasks inside in exchange for what little aid could be provided.

There were many who tried to escape, but with little success. The only vehicles they could make were small, only big enough to hold a single person. Gasoline was scarce, so each vehicle needed to be pushed by a team of five. There was a grand sendoff one morning, where the tribes gathered to send their chosen champions down a series of hills, praying the incline would be enough to launch their hopes out of this desolate wasteland. Their efforts, of course, were fruitless.

And yet, one day I awoke to see the survivors had left, the huts been dismantled, and the parking lot was as empty as it had been before. To this day, I know not what caused their disappearance. Perhaps the tribes waged war in the night until there was nothing left. Perhaps they found their crops would not grow in asphalt and starved in the middle of Pittsburgh’s third annual winter. Or maybe classes just started up again. Who can say, really?

This Week in Beards

Pictured: Beard Fraud

Pictured: Beard Fraud

 

A Columbia school board member is rallying for his fellow hirsute politicians in need of more campaign cash, and readme is shocked and astounded to learn that ‘hirsute’ is an actual word.

A man by the name of Jonathan Sessions has recently made a political action committee with a friend for the express purpose of furthering the careers of bearded individuals. The PAC was named ‘Bearded Entrepreneurs for the Advancement of a Responsible Democracy’, in what readme can only assume was the result of a group effort with the Society for the Misuse of Acronyms Resulting in Tongue-twisting Appellations rather than Shortened Slang.

Sessions would not give the media a straight answer as to whether this BEARD committee was an act of satire or a genuine super PAC, saying only, “We’re as serious as the opportunity to raise unlimited funds and spend them toward campaigning with little accountability.” He then laughed at the press, gave a meaningful wink, and began singing the Rick Astley song ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ for the rest of the interview, so it seems his true intentions may forever be shrouded in mystery.

One of the chief concerns facing BEARD, of course, is how to prevent people from perpetrating beard fraud in order to receive funding from the group. Sessions has stated that a the committee evaluates potential recipients based on a strict set of beard standards—moustaches are out, for instance, but goatees qualify—and is already working to create a ‘beard review committee’ to evaluate facial hair on a beard-by-beard basis to see if they qualify. Damn, if only Sessions were being clearer about whether or not this super PAC was meant to be satirical. It’s just so hard to tell.

Still, readme feels that this super PAC is long overdue. Hobos and Civil War reenactment societies been ignored in politics for far too long. And besides, readme wants in on this beard money. Sure, it doesn’t have a beard now, but give it ten to twelve months and some Rogaine, and we’ll be expecting our check in the mail.