His wife loves him. His kids love him. His Senate colleagues love him. Everyone loves him. Look at that face. How could you not?
When not standing up for the American Way or eating his own boogers, Ben Cruz moonlights as the Zodiac Killer.
Winner. Fond of red bikinis that match his beard.
“I will wear a great bikini — and nobody wears bikinis better than me, believe me — and I’ll wear them very inexpensively. I will wear a great great bikini on my southern border, and I will have The Tartan pay for that bikini. Mark my words.
I’ve said if I weren’t myself, perhaps I’d be dating me.”
Politician, female, pantsuit stylist, policy wonk, and political punching bag.
“I like to have fun. I can connect with the youth. Is that what they’re calling it these days? The youth? I can connect with people, but I am not a good politician. I promise you I am not a computer — Marco Rubio is. Rinie Sandfair isn’t even a Democrat, and doesn’t know about policy. I know policy. I am policy. I will write policy for you. I will be your policy. I will give you whatever you want. You want Rinie Sandfair to go away? I’ll make him go away. You want Donald Thatchrump to be the orange face of racism? I will do that. You want more pantsuits? Just look at me. You want me to make jokes? I can do that. Vote for me. I am fun.”
As readme’s final issue of the year, we print a color illustrated edition. Traditionally swimsuit focused, this year we are using a political theme in honor of the presidential race. We do have a few swimsuits present for your viewing enjoyement, however.
The images and short bios in this issue will give you valuable information about the current presidential candidates, as you get to find out the sort of things the mainstream news wouldn’t dare report. You also get to see the readme staff, putting faces to names.
We hope you enjoyed the year, and wish you good luck on your finals and on whatever your plans are afterwards. While the Pennsylvania primaries have come and gone, we still encourage you to vote in the general election in November, regardless of your political persuasion.
Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent
In a radical departure from all previously experienced behavior, voters across America are unexpectedly finding themselves looking back fondly on when partisan gridlock seemed like the greatest political problem the country faced.
Reports have emerged that, as the 2016 primaries drag on and the nation drifts ever closer to what might be the most contentious party convention in half a century, Americans now view worrying about gridlock as just another example of the naivete of younger times, like thinking that the Tooth Fairy is real or that the government isn’t spying on us.
In fact, when asked to explain why they had thought Congress’ complete inability to function correctly from late 2010 onwards was such a dire issue, many respondents simply shook their heads and gave a sad smile, often saying some variant of “I didn’t know just how bad things could get…None of us did.”
To track this stunning development in American public opinion, readme has turned to veteran political analyst and patron saint of people who crib talking points from pundits to sound intelligent Nathaniel Gold for his take:
readme: As recently as mid-2015, the American public looked at the incredible levels of gridlock in Washington with a swirling mélange of frustration, anger and resignation. Now they’re looking back on the first half of the decade with rose-tinted glasses. How did this happen?
Gold: Well, until last August, Americans were unaware just how many of their countrymen were either credulous or hateful enough to support a blustering xenophobe with a terrible business record and no actual policies. Even people aware enough of global affairs to be following the rise of far-right populist leaders in Europe figured that, you know, that was a them problem. But now, whoops, turns out we have a National Front right in our front yard, and it’s taking a dump all over our lawn.
readme: But the Tea Party has been around since the turn of the decade, and they want to burn down D.C. and throw all the immigrants into the Atlantic at least as much as Trump supporters do. Why does this feel so much worse?
Gold: How many Tea Party-backed candidates made the size of their hands a major campaign issue?
readme: I mean, there was that one time [2010 Massachusetts Senate candidate and possible witch] Christine O’Donnell had to state publicly that she wasn’t a witch.
Gold: Yeah, but. Hand size. For over a month. And then he referenced the size of his dick in a debate.
Gold: There’s one good thing coming out of this whole mess. Politics hasn’t been this entertaining since lawmakers were literally caning each other on the Senate floor. Let’s all hope to our preferred deities that it’s never this entertaining again.
At press time, most Americans quietly understood that they would look back on the 2016 election and laugh. Or cry. Actually, probably cry.
Apratim Vidyarthi, Sleep-Deprived Correspon… zzz…
The Walking Dead has decided that CMU is the perfect place to simulate an atmosphere of desolate madness with sleepless zombies, our sources in Hollywood report. Ernest Dickerson, one of the directors of the Walking Dead, visited campus and noted that students seem to have given up, given their inhuman standards of hygiene and nutrition. Dickerson said that students seem to “be emotionally distant, with their brains in far away places. These poor children look just like the sleepless, emotionally hollow zombies that Walking Dead aspires to portray in every episode.”
One student on campus said, “this is perfect. Wait… what is the Walking Dead? I don’t get out very much.” Professors on campus seem to relish providing more work to their students, maintaining that buildings like “Gates and Wean will feel empty without the near lifeless bodies of students littered in study halls. It just won’t feel like good old CMU.”
Despite this hopelessness and sleeplessness, CMU was recently ranked number 27 in work-hard-play-hard schools in the U.S., prompting many in the student body to wonder who plays hard, and to ponder on what they missed while they were deep inside the basement of a laboratory, coding for hours.
Analysts — and believe us, we have a lot of analysts — at readme have suggested that this sleeplessness and desolation on CMU’s campus could be the perfect moment for a robot uprising from the robotics department. No word from the robotics department — most of the students in that department fear human contact.
We wish you the best of luck in surviving the next few weeks.