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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Answers: Last Week’s Crossword

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

OREO
UTA
AIOLI
ILIAD
TRUE
ZIGZAG
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM
IONE
TERI
POLO
IDENTIFICATION
TELL ME …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Readme has hired world's funniest baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy …

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

By Porque Taepwyrm • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Bechdel Test added to autograder • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Remember to tip your TAs! • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Remember to tip your TAs! • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse