Paid for by: Insider trading on shorted military stocks

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

README POLLS

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The Lottery

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

Genealogists have been left with more questions than answers

// Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Remember to tip your TAs! • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Remember to tip your TAs! • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school