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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

Good news!

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Autie README Jr.

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and …

Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Anonymous • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Jupiter • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good)