by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef
JERSEY CITY—A young woman was spotted late Thursday eating a pizza crust-first at a local Pizza Hut. Onlookers gasped in horror as the woman, identified as Sheila Cummings, a 28-year-old fashion blogger from Ohio, bit into the crunchy end of her slice, leaving the pointy end hanging limply.
Establishment owner Rodrigo Rosuello told readme, “She seemed like such a normal girl. The waiter was a little uncomfortable when she winked after asking for a meat lover’s surprise, but we get that a lot. People think they’re so original.”
According to Rosuello, many patrons have particular eating habits that the staff have been trained to handle without judgment. One “artsy-fartsy type,” as he put it, even goes to the trouble of eating off all the cheese, flipping the pizza upside-down, and turning the crust inside-out. But even that freak of nature cannot compare to the utter blasphemy displayed by Cummings on the evening of March 2.
When asked if he thought Cummings might qualify for World’s Worst Human, Rosuello responded affirmatively. “I knew something was wrong when I saw her wearing brown shoes with black pants, but it wasn’t until I saw her eat the lemon in her water that I started considering her for Worst Human. And the constant renditions of ‘Wicked’ songs under her breath sealed the deal.” The middle-aged Virginian shook his head. “What is it with some people? Do you ever stop singing? Do you think you’re quiet? We can hear you. Shut up.”
What do you think, readers? Is Sheila Cummings, Crust-First-Pizza-Eater, your top candidate for Worst Human? Send your response to the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org!