CRIME ALERT 2017-002: Local Computer Cluster Terrorized by Handwriting Narcissist

by Cam Wong, Graphology Correspondent

PITTSBURGH, PA—The denizens of a computer cluster on Carnegie Mellon campus reported repeated attacks yesterday by a mysterious figure who scrawled a number of unintelligible charts, graphs and figures onto the cluster whiteboard before vanishing into the night. Such attacks have been occurring throughout the semester, citizens claim, but with varying regularity and intensity.

Oftentimes, the charts are a quick source of anger and debate amidst cluster residents. “I’ll just walk in some days, and there’ll be some new graph of ‘various anime ranked by secondary animal lead’ just sitting there,” says Nick Rauen, the self-proclaimed protagonist of life. “Most of the time, it’s not even accurate! Whoever this guy is, he should at least fix his taste in anime.” According to one source, however, the real danger is in the graphs’ power to drag the cluster into an intense discussion (said source requested anonymity for fear of losing rank on the recent “best cluster dwellers” list). “I was planning on finishing my 112 project that day,” our source says, “but then I ended up dragged into determining where my haircut placed me on the prescriptivism spectrum! It took four hours and we still couldn’t even agree on the definition of ‘hair’!” Truly, this madman is a threat to peace and productivity clusterwide.

readme’s political correspondent was unable to be contacted for comments.

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