by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent
The world was rocked this week when, in one of his first moves as President, Donald “Already At Mid-Second-Term Levels of Disapproval” Trump signed an executive order shutting down America’s refugee program and closing its borders to people from several Muslim-majority countries. Despite throngs of people across the political spectrum coming out in opposition to this piece of counterproductive political showmanship, readme can now confirm that Trump is doubling down by formally changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from Emma Lazarus’ sonnet The New Colossus to, simply, LOL NOPE.
“Reliable” sources within the Trump Administration have also indicated that the new text will not only be in 400-point font but will also be in bolded Impact, so as to “make certain the message gets across that, yeah, we super all the way don’t want you here.” According to Trump’s nascent Office of Management and Budget, the project is expected to cost $2 million, which when converted to Not Crazy Person Money translates to a cool $15 mil, minimum.
Naturally, politicians of all stripes and people across the nation have been incensed by Trump’s brazen willingness to essentially deface a national landmark with particularly unclassy xenophobia. Well, politicians of some stripes and roughly half of people across the nation, at least. The rest are A-OK with it. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, Breitbart just put out an article alleging that the immortal words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free” are fake news produced by the liberal media to defame our glorious leader. Obviously.
Among the people across this nation who actually are incensed, though, a heroic few are getting off their asses and doing something about it, for instance by writing invective thinly disguised as satire. Truly, these brave men and women are doing yeomen’s work out there in the political wilderness, taming the beasts of tyranny with elegant strokes of their blades. Well, pens. Keyboards, if we’re really being honest.
(This is me I’m talking about here, by the way. Can you tell? Anyway, yeah, it’s me. Mark Saporta. The writer of this article. I’m basically the best. You’re welcome.)
At press time, Trump had quietly issued four more far-reaching executive orders while the media desperately attempted to process the previous four. Welcome, my friends, to the Darkest Timeline.