Slice of White Bread Chosen to Fill Open Supreme Court Seat

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

In yet another in a series of political stunners, Donald Trump has chosen to fill the open seat on the Supreme Court with a literal piece of white bread.

The seat, vacated nearly a year ago by the death of Justice Antonin “Far-Right Nutjob Before It Was Cool” Scalia, was intended to be filled by the eminently qualified Obama nominee Merrick Garland, but a combination of Republican intransigence and NO WAIT THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON caused his confirmation hearing to be delayed to the point of mootness.

Naturally, Trump’s nomination of an inanimate slice of uncooked toast has made waves among politicians and ordinary citizens alike, or at least among those who consider Alex Jones’ InfoWars rants to be anything less than God’s honest truth. The nomination was duly criticized by Senate Democrats and-

*deep sigh*

Okay, look.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a political satirist these days? And don’t give me any of that “are you kidding? there’s more to satirize than ever!” crap. Coming up with stories more insane than what’s actually going on right now is a legitimate challenge. The best I can do is resort to the shallow jab that Neil Gorsuch is boring. Hell, Gorsuch doesn’t even seem like that terrible of a choice, but what else am I going to write about? Sean Spicer? Steve Bannon? Trump complaining on Twitter about the travel ban ruling? They’re pretty much all already parodies of themselves.

Man, I remember the good old days, back when the Republican primary race was completely up in the air. We still had hope then. God, the most pressing issue we were facing was that Congress was incompetent, as though that was something that hasn’t been continuously true since 1774. Remember how I wrote that article about celebrating Government Shutdown Day? Heh, that was a pretty good one.

That must’ve been back in Fall 2015. I was so young then. We all were.

Anyway, Neil Gorsuch is boring, he’s pretty conservative, at least Trump didn’t nominate [insert reality TV star here] for the bench, etc., etc.. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pour myself a drink, make myself a sandwich, lean back in my standard-issue CMU desk chair, and dull my political sorrows, if only briefly, with anime and My Brother, My Brother and Me.

At press time…man, whatever.

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