Real IRL True Life Facts About Vegans

by The Voice of Reason

In a study conducted by readme, team researches attempted to determine precisely what it is about vegans that makes them so despicable. Is it their incessant protesting of the natural order of killing animals to survive or their protein-deficiency induced delirium? Listen up right quick: it was those vegan jagoffs who tried to tell us bacon caused cancer back in ‘15. The so-called “cancer researchers” were using unsound methods to arrive at their conclusion. Employing an outdated and fallacious method known as an epidemiological study, they came to the erroneous conclusion that some of the greatest foods are carcinogenic. While “epidemiological studies” are mocked by today’s advanced society, we must remember that the very “scientists” who did this investigation are of the tribe that believes that we should all subsist on grass and twigs.

First and foremost, the folks at readme determined that the main reason someone would be possessed to become vegan is by some sort of love, unicorns, and other such brainwashing, cloaked under their so-called “compassion for animals” and “environmentalism.” I mean really, who could possibly be accepting of someone who would dare to think of the consequences of their actions? A group that has the audacity to question the current system will be lampooned, and rightly so. Do you really expect us to get any protein from cucumbers? Do you presume we can get lions to eat tofu zebras? Any modern medical expert knows we evolved to eat the flesh and mammary secretions of factory farmed animals.

So I want y’all to use yer noggins! Next time some vegan tries spreading their propaganda about trying to “save the planet” and generally being a carrot-lovin’ hippie, remember this here fact right now: you need meat to get protein. And besides, if everyone went vegan, all the ranches would shut down. Fences and walls would be demolished and the cows would take over the world. Turkeys would crash through windshields all over the earth when they could be living safely on a farm, having the peace of mind that at the ripe old age of 5 months they’ll get an all-expenses paid trip to a nice tingly bath followed by a shiny spinning disk to give them one last satisfying tickle to the neck. If you vegans think you’re such good people, how would you like knowing you’re to blame when all the feral hogs start rooting up your local organic radishes? How would y’all so-called “conscientious consumers” like knowing about all the corn and soybeans you mercilessly slaughter? Plants have feelings too.

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