by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyances Correspondent
In the recent past, and possibly even before that, it has been brought to our attention that these small humanoid creatures called ‘children’ have begun to emerge. Although we have found them to be non-hostile beings, they can become quite petulant and prone to fit-throwing. It is therefore imperative that proper forms of communication be learned.
Much like humans, children can only hear within a certain register. It is a register within our own audible register but higher pitched than our voices are naturally accustomed to speaking at. In order to practice speaking in this register, we recommend that one call on an animal-loving neighbor or make a trip to the local pound in order to speak to cute pets. Much like pets, children must be reminded of their cuteness and diminutive size at every occasion. They are unaware otherwise. Furthermore, due to their height-challenged-ness, they must be spoken to at eye level. It is suggested that one stoop down to talk to them as their little ears cannot hear anything more than a foot from their heads.
For unknown reasons, children are extremely sensitive to information regarding nontraditional lifestyles and sexual deviance. They must be shielded from exposure to trans, queer, or otherwise nonconformist persons, lest they become confused by the existence of diversity and agency. The good news is, children seem to be excellent receptacles for a parent’s ideology and are proficient in parroting back contextless opinions.
If you encounter one such creature in the wild, remember to follow these precautions. Happy hunting!