by Mark Saporta, Political Correspondent Emeritus
WASHINGTON D.C, JANUARY 20, 2021—Three months after his landslide victory over Republican incumbent Mike Pence, Kanye West was inaugurated today as the 47th President of the United States. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter was also inaugurated as the 49th and first female Vice President of the United States, succeeding incumbent VP Martin Shkreli.
The inauguration, a raucous affair featuring musical performances not only by many of the President’s former colleagues but also by the President himself, was described by attendee Nicholas Rauen as “the official return of the dankest timeline.” In a notable departure from tradition, West put a beat behind his inauguration speech; the speech will reportedly be one of the tracks on West’s upcoming concept album Commander-in-Chief.
When asked for comment immediately following the event, President West reportedly said that he was “…just so appreciative of [his] beautiful wife Kim Kardashian and [their] daughter North for standing by me during this difficult campaign.” First Lady Kardashian was unavailable for comment, as she was busy liveblogging the event on several social media sites.
Now that he is officially in office, President West plans to appoint Malcolm J. “Mac Miller” McCormick as Chief of Staff, Shawn “Jay Z” Carter as Secretary of State, Marshall “Eminem” Mathers as Secretary of Defense, and Tauheed “2 Chainz” Epps as Treasury Secretary. The newly Democrat-controlled Senate is expected to confirm all of President West’s nominees in short order, and, in an ironic twist, former Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s 2017 deployment of the “nuclear option” means that the Republicans will be unable to filibuster any of West’s appointments. However, the seemingly nepotistic appointment of the Vice President’s husband as Secretary of State has even some Democratic commentators worried.
President West’s policy positions are still unclear, but he is likely to follow up on his signature campaign promise to decrease the influence of the executive branch in response to the abuse-of-power scandals of the Trump administration. The coalition that propelled him to office will expect him to act in accordance with his campaign slogan: “No one man should have all this power.”
Other potential policy priorities are the creation of a strategic bass reserve, a broad-based crackdown on gold diggers, the adoption of a new redistributive economic program through which the wealthy will flick stacks of high-denomination bills at the poor, and immigration reform.
At press time, Insane Clown Posse frontmen Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope were reportedly considering a joint Presidential run in 2024.