Mike Kruckel, an emergency medical technician responding to the apparent alcohol poisoning of a female freshman on Thursday, reportedly wanted to know if the illegally ingested beer responsible for messing up Sally Fitzsimmons, 18 was any good. As Sally drifted in and out of consciousness, the officer posited “So what kind of beer was it, Sally, anything good? White beer, IPA, lager?” At the time of this incident, Sally was too incapacitated to answer Mr. Kruckel’s question, but sources suggest that several cans of low-quality warm Natural Light beer were most likely responsible for her stupor.
While conscious, Sally wondered if the nature of Pennsylvania’s amnesty law could prevent her legal guardians from finding out about the incident. She was informed that they would receive the hospital bill. At press time, sources close to Sally have confirmed that the beer did not kill her, but “her parents probably will.”